Sick of Me

It had been a few months since I let Billie Joe come home and he was trying to be better about what we had talked about. As much as I was trying to help him and be the best I could be, I still didn't trust him enough to leave the kids with him and he knew it. Even though he drastically cut back on his drinking and was back in the studio starting from scratch on a new album, I wasn't completely comfortable with him taking care of them on his own.

"You don't even act like a parent, Billie Joe. You're like a huge playmate to them. I know Rita Mae looks up to you and seeks your approval, but that's because she's a daddy's girl."

Yet again I had decided against going out with a few friends because I felt off leaving the kids with Billie.

"You think I don't know that? I'm doing my best, but you won't let go of the fact that I lost Jack! I've done everything to make up for it!"

We usually did all of our fighting when the kids were at school and today was no different.

"You're never gonna get over that, are you?" Billie looked at me solemnly from the passenger seat of my car as we went over to Adeline.

"I hope I can. He was alone in a big city halfway across the country and I'm just glad that nothing happened to him."

"Why can't you just let me prove to you that I can do it? You go to your thing Friday night and I'll take them… No, I'll stay home and we'll play board games."

I wasn't ready to take that step, but part of me thought I would never be and that I would have to just let him do this anyways. I had to put my faith and trust in him.

"I guess that would be okay. But I swear to God if you fuck this up, Billie Joe, I won't give you another chance."

[Billie Joe]

It had taken a lot to get Grace to take a night off from being a mom and go out, but I did it. I finally got her to give me a chance so I can prove that she could trust me with the kids. It was a Friday night in November and she was going out to dinner with a few of her girlfriends. I had spent the afternoon in the basement working on some stuff for the potential record so I wouldn't have to later, taking a break when the kids came home to teach Rita some piano and show Jack how to count in time. He could only count to four anyways, so it was perfect.

"Billie Joe, Jack, Rita Mae! Come up and say bye to Momma!"

I perked up when I heard that she was ready to leave, and I told the kids to hurry up the stairs so we could wish her farewell.

Grace looked flawless to say the least. She always was though, so I wasn't surprised. It was amazing how she could dress up dark, tight jeans and a blouse with accessories and a killer pair of heels that put her an inch and a half above my height.

I had to tilt my head a bit to adjust to her new height, saying that she looked beautiful as I kissed her
cheek, careful to avoid her freshly applied lipstick.

"Have fun Momma!" Rita gave her a warm hug, followed by Jack, who tried to tell her not to go.

"I have to, sweetie, or else I'll be late! Have fun with Dad and don't cause too much trouble for him!" She winked at them then looked directly at me, mouthing 'be good' before giving me a kiss and heading out the door.

---

Being alone with the kids was a lot more fun than it was frightening. They were both pretty self-sufficient to an extent, which was more than cool with me. We played board games like Candyland, and we ordered pizza, then we started a game of hide and seek. That probably wasn't my best idea with our huge house.

"Guys, this isn't funny anymore! I give up! I can't find you."

I was currently 'it' because I could never find anywhere big enough to hide. These two knew every nook and cranny of this damn place and I was getting flustered. To make things worse, they taunted me by going from spot to spot so I would hear rustling noises and see flashes of my kids but I wasn't quick enough to catch them.

The house phone began to ring, so I went into the kitchen to grab it. When I answered, Grace's voice was on the other line.

"Hey Gray. How's your dinner?"

"Great! Actually, we're thinking about going to have some drinks. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, definitely! Have fun and stuff, y'know?" I tugged at my hair nervously.

"Is everything going smoothly?"

"Totally! It's going great."

"What's wrong?" She could read me like a book and sometimes I really hated it.

"We're playing hide and seek. I'm the seeker and they're really good at this." I heard Grace let out a laugh and I could tell she's obviously been through this a thousand times.

"Check under our bed for Jack and Rita is most likely hiding under my desk."

"You're the best!" She told me to have fun, and to mind their bed times before we hung up.

Sure enough they were right where Grace had said, and soon after our game ended it was bed time. Jack, usually a bundle of energy around story time, fell asleep when I was only a few pages into his favorite Dr. Seuss story, Yurtle the Turtle. I ruffled his long, slightly curly hair that reminded me so much of my own with a smile. I had no idea why I missed out on nights like this, spending time with these two was way better than getting blazed by myself.

When I went into Rita Mae's room she was sitting in her bed and reading something or another.

"Do you need me to read to your or would you rather read to me?" I sat on the bed, leaning back against the headboard and she shrugged, her dark hair moving along with her shoulders.

"That's not an answer, missy!" I finally got a smile out of her and I was reminded of Grace's dazzling grin. The kids were so much like us that it never ceased to amaze me.

"I just wanna finish this chapter."

"Okay baby doll, but lights out after that." I kissed her forehead and said goodnight, then went down to the kitchen. I looked in the fridge and eyed the beers I had in the back for a second before shaking my head. I didn't need to give Grace a reason to freak out when she gets back. So I went and sat on the couch with a glass of fruit punch to watch some TV.

"Daddy?" I heard Rita Mae's voice not even half an hour after I put her to bed.

"What's up, baby doll?" I turned to look at the little girl, motioning for her to come over and so she did. I pulled her up to sit sideways across my lap, and I gave her a hug.

"Are you and Momma still fighting?" Her big, green eyes stared up into mine and I sighed a bit.

"We're working really hard not to. Everyone fights sometimes though." I tried my best to put her mind at ease, but she knew better.

"Please try harder. I don't like it when you guys fight. Jack doesn't either." She played with the anchor on the rope around my neck and I frowned a little.

"Listen, everything's gonna be alright, you know? Mom and I love each other a lot and even though we fight, we make up after. It doesn't mean that we love you and Jack any less." I told her it was time to get back to bed, so I carried her up to her room and tucked her in before shutting off the light and returning downstairs.

I was still up watching TV when Grace came home around one, giggling slightly when she saw my exhausted form on the couch. Her heels were in hear hand while the other waved at me.

"How were the kids?" She sat beside me, running her fingers through the length of her hair.

"We had a lot of fun. Rita Mae and I had a little talk before she went to bed though." She wanted to know what about, and I said that Rita asked about our fighting.

"She's trying so hard to stay out of it, I can tell she wants to help."

Grace sighed and I took her hand, playing with her fingers and musing at the callouses she had from playing guitar. Of course, they were nothing compared to some of the gnarly ones I've had.

"Tonight really helped though, right?" I looked at her hopefully and I could see her mind at work.

"Yeah Beej. I'm starting to put more of my faith and trust in you. Please don't make me regret it though."

I told her that I wouldn't, then I asked if she wanted to go to bed. She shook her head, saying she'd rather change and come watch TV with me. When she returned downstairs in one of my shirts and some shorts, she curled up with me on the couch and I played with her hair until she fell asleep. Just like I had done with Rita Mae, I carried Grace up to bed and tucked her in before joining her under the covers.

[Grace]

The past year has been full of ups and downs for Billie Joe and myself, but I think it's safe to say that 2003 was definitely going to be a whole lot better. We consistently went to counseling, talked, and with a lot of work, I trusted Billie Joe more than ever. Jack had started kindergarden and was doing well. Rita Mae was in fourth grade and she was still best friends with Andy, even though they were in different classes and it seemed like the end of the world at the time for them. She was getting to be really good at piano and Billie couldn't have been more proud.

Billie Joe and the guys had been in and out of the studio, always working on something. They were just making songs together now, nothing in the terms of an album yet, but a lot of the songs were pretty great.

I was up in my office while the kids were at school when Billie came home from the studio on a sunny April morning. He had been there since ten last night, so this was the first time I had seen him today.

"Grace, we came up with the greatest idea ever." He had practically run up into my office and I stared at the out of breath man curiously as he panted.

"And what would that genius idea be?"

"You know how we've been messing around in the studio? We came up with this sound today and we made an entire album."

I didn't know what to say, so I told him to continue.

"We came up with this whole other band.. A side project. It's called The Network, and it's new wave! It has a super electronic sound and it's cool as hell. No one will ever know it's Green Day."

"Are we signing this The Network band to Adeline?"

Billie nodded and I knew where he was going with this. I told him that he should get John Roecker involved with the project. He agreed, sitting on my desk and interrupting my work. He had this look in his eyes that clearly told me it was time for me to focus my attention on him.

"Really, Billie Joe? Now?"

"While the kids are away, Mom and Dad can play!" He winked, hopping off of my desk and grabbing my hand, leading me to our room.