Sick of Me

Friday quickly arrived and it was time for Sarah to finally get married. The ceremony was held overlooking the beautiful Napa vineyards and it was actually really nice. Billie Joe sat in the second row behind Sarah's family while I was one of her two bridesmaids.

Sarah and Andrew had written their own vows, which took a lot longer than when Billie and I got married, but that only made their relationship more endearing to me. When we had ours we didn't need to tell everyone else how much we had loved each other, it only mattered that we knew and we didn't have to voice it in front of everyone and make them sit there and suffer through it.

When they exchanged rings and kissed, they walked back down the aisle and I took a groomsman's arm, following behind the other bridesmaid and the maid of honour. When I passed by Billie I saw a look of jealousy all over his face but I merely walked by, pretending that I didn't see him.

The photographer held me hostage while she took dozens upon dozens of photos of the Sarah, Andrew and the wedding party. I was really happy for Sarah and I made sure to tell her that several times. While we were taking pictures I noticed Billie out of the corner of my eye. He was standing alone, a glass of champagne in one hand while the other was in his pants pocket.

"Ok now for the bridesmaids and groomsmen! If you have a significant other bring them over here!" This woman was crazy. She was spouting out orders as she checked and double checked the film in the three or four cameras slung around her neck.

Without a word Billie strolled over and casually stood next to me.

"And who is this handsome man?" The photographer eyed Billie Joe carefully through the viewfinder of her Nikon. She had taken shots of the other couples and now it was our turn.

"He's my husband…"

"Well you two sure aren't acting like it! Now come on, put your arm around her!" The woman, Carla, peer pressured Billie, who wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.

It felt strange to be so close to him… I'm pretty sure we looked really awkward as we stood there with fake smiles forced on our faces. Carla snapped several more shots then declared that she got the perfect one and wandered off.

As soon as she was gone Billie dropped his arm and I stepped away from him.

"I need a drink…"

Thank God for the open bar otherwise my night would have been unbearable. Sarah and Andrew lived in Monterey now so the majority of their guests were from that area. Billie and I didn't see any familiar faces and we weren't exactly talking to one another, so it was lonely.

During the dinner Billie and I were at a table with six other strangers and I was throwing back champagne during the toasts. I had a few glasses of wine while I ate and Billie took notice of this.

"You're drinking a lot. Maybe you should slow down."

"Just keep your mind on your own glass. I'm fine." I didn't need to be babysat; I could handle my alcohol and he should know that better than anyone.

The band began to play their set and the bride and groom had their first dance before others joined in. I stayed in my seat, drinking a beer that I had gotten from one of the bars that had been set up.

"I'm gonna get some cake." Billie was trying to be casual and I simply nodded. He got up and wandered off, leaving me to myself. Everyone else at our table was off dancing or socializing.

A tall man, obviously one of Andrew's friends, approached me and asked if I'd like to dance. I was hesitant at first but his smile was extremely endearing. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Owen. Andrew had gone to college in Scotland and thankfully invited his Scottish friends because Owen's accent was adorable. I took his hand and stood up, telling him my name as we walked over to the dance floor.

[Billie Joe]

I went back to the table with my slice of cake and I even brought one for Grace but she wasn't there. I put the plates down and looked around, not seeing her immediately. I made my way towards the mass of people dancing and saw her holding hands and dancing to 'I Will Survive' with some guy in a kilt.

I didn't know if Grace was doing this to make me jealous or something but for some reason it was. In between songs I watched this guy lean in close to Grace's ear, obviously asking her something, and she replied. When he went off I approached her.

"What are you doing?"

"Having fun!" Grace twirled around, her black dress flowing around her as she stumbled into me. I instinctively steadied her, fighting back the buzz I had going so I could focus.

"You're drunk."

"Not yet! Owen's getting me a Jack and Coke!" Her bright blue-green eyes were wide with excitement at
the thought of the drink.

"No.. You need some water and cake to soak up all the liquor you've had."

"Since when did you start caring?"

I tried to find a response but nothing came to mind. I did care… I just haven't shown it in a long time.

"Here you go, Grace!" This Owen guy handed her a drink and I took it immediately. Grace demanded that I give her back the glass but I refused.

"Just give the lady what she wants!" Owen's Scottish accent wasn't fooling me; I could tell he wanted her. My instincts went primal; Grace wasn't on the market.

"This lady is my wife." Without another word to this guy I grabbed Grace's hand and led her back to our table. I sat her down and made her drink some water. She looked at me sadly, unsure of why I was being so protective of her.

"You're mine, Gray. No one else's."

"So I'm just some possession of yours? That's good to know."

I didn't know what else to say so I sat down next to her and ate my cake. She had every right to be mad at me. Hell, I'm pissed at myself too. I wanted nothing more than some normalcy but something was holding me back. I never meant to take my anger out on Grace but I did it anyways. I was having problems with Mike and Tre too so it wasn't like I could vent to them like I normally did. Mike was practically my psychiatrist on tour and now we were barely speaking.

When I finished my cake I glanced over to Grace. She was sitting back in the chair, staring at the band that was playing and drinking a beer. I asked where she got it from and she shot me a dirty look in response.

"Maybe if you paid attention you would have seen me get up and go to the bar over there." Her words were slurring together and her cheeks were a rosy pink colour; she had plenty to drink, that was for sure.

"Maybe we should call it a night…"

Grace shook her head and told me that we would leave when she was good and ready, then finished off her large glass of locally brewed beer.

She asked me to dance and when I shook my head she said she'd find someone that would, so I decided to dance with her. It was pathetic how even the most simple things that couples do, like dancing together, was awkward and weird for us.

---

Another hour or two passed and it was midnight. I somehow managed to convince Grace that it was time to go and after saying goodbye to the happy newlyweds we left for the hotel.

Grace was laying on the bed, trying to unzip the back of her dress while I went into the dresser to find something for her to sleep in. I found a big t-shirt and helped her unzip her dress, noticing that she was wearing the lacy, black and white lingerie that I had seen in our room not too long ago. I felt like a dick for calling her out on in during our ride up here now. How was I supposed to know that she brought it?

'Talk to her, duh!' my brain screamed at me. Great. Now even my conscience was getting at me. Everyone told me how stupid I was for acting like I have been but I never wanted to hear that I was wrong and hell, I still don't. I can't help myself when I come to my actions; I never think things through.

I helped Grace into the big shirt then got her to get in bed and lay down. Instead of going to bed right away I went onto the balcony and had a cigarette then took a shower. Finally I was tucked into bed beside Grace and I hoped that she would still be there when I woke up. She had a habit of relocating to a guest room at home, but now she had nowhere else to go.

Unable to sleep I returned to the balcony for a few more of the cheap cigarettes I had brought. I've had trouble sleeping for a pretty long time now, hence the album titled Insomniac. That was six years ago and even though things were totally different I still felt like I was that same person.

I finished off my third cigarette and put it out, leaning back in the uncomfortable patio chair and the next thing I know i'm out like a light.

When I woke up it was still dark and I was still outside. The only difference was that there was a blanket stretching from my toes to my chest. I got up and went back inside, checking the clock. It was almost five am, which didn't surprise me. I stretched and yawned as quietly as I could before getting under the covers of the warm bed and beginning to count sheep all over again.