Sick of Me

[Grace]

Saturday morning I woke up with probably the worst hangover I've had in years. I looked out on the balcony to see if Billie was still sleeping but he wasn't there. Then I heard his voice coming from the 'living room' part of our hotel room. I peeked into the small area and saw him on the phone. I heard him tell her person on the other line to 'put her on', so I figured he was talking to his mom.

"Hey Rita Mae, are you having fun with grandma?"

As he continued to talk I felt my stomach churning. It was an obvious sign that all the liquor I drank wasn't sitting well with me so I threw my hair up into a pony tail and rushed into the bathroom, ready for a sermon with the porcelain god.

When my stomach was empty I brushed my teeth a few times and went to see if Billie was still on the phone. I felt a little disappointed to see that he wasn't… I wanted to talk to Rita Mae.

Flopping onto the bed, I buried my face in the pillow and took a few deep breaths in hopes of feeling better. The weight on the bed shifted and I felt Billie's calloused hands on my shoulders, squeezing me gently. I let out a slight groan, settling further into the pillow.

"Reet says hi and that she misses us. Jack was talking a mile a minute about everything he's done in the last three days…"

Billie continued to rub my back and I started to realize what he was doing but I couldn't figure out why. I let him continue to give me a massage and then I suddenly sat up. I didn't want to let my guard down too quickly.

"Are you sick or something?" I held the back of my hand to his forehead. Normal temperature… Billie looked at me curiously and asked why.

"You're doing something nice for me… Willingly touching me." He questioned as to why that was so weird.

"You've been treating me like a leper, that's why!" Disregarding my reply he asked if I wanted to go have lunch at another vineyard. I was speechless; what the hell was wrong with him? Usually I could figure it out but not now though.

Billie Joe and I went for lunch and as we strolled through the vineyard on a small tour I noticed that he had taken my hand with his. I didn't lace or fingers together or show any signs of acknowledgement. If Billie wanted to make things right he had a lot of work to do.

As the afternoon progressed I found Billie making comments to me and actually asking my opinion about things, like the wines we had been tasting. He was trying to act as if nothing had ever been wrong and that we were just fine. As much as I would love for that to be true, it wasn't. I didn't want to give him the wrong message and during dinner I think Billie realized it for himself.

"This isn't working, is it?"

I shook my head and he let out a long sigh. He asked if I really thought that counseling would help and I nodded.

"You know.. I guess it's worth a shot. If it doesn't work will you drop it?"

"Yeah. But what will we do if counseling doesn't help us?"

"I really don't know, Grace."

I felt like I was watching my marriage go down the drain no matter what I was doing to try and save it.

---

That night I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. It made me feel so sick to my stomach that I had to go throw up before returning to the unusually comfortable hotel bed. I tried to lay perfectly still and push all thought from my mind but I felt Billie shifting.

He turned over and his eyes were intently focused on me. He asked if I was ok and I replied with a quiet yes. Billie called my bluff; he knew that I was far from being ok. He wanted me to tell him what had made me so sick like that and I couldn't do it.

I couldn't tell him that in my nightmare I had come home to find Billie, the kids and some other woman eating dinner in my dining room.. And when they saw me Rita Mae asked, "What's she doing here?"

"I don't know. You know you're supposed to call and set up visits, Elanore." Billie's response, along with the coldness in his voice and the hatred in his eyes was what made me wake up.

I pressed my palms to my closed eyelids and took a few deep breaths.

"It was just a bad dream." I was trying to be reasonable.

"It sure seems like more than just a nightmare…"

I pulled my hands away from my face and told him that it didn't matter. I was having a hard time believing myself so I'm sure Billie Joe knew I was lying. He didn't press it though, he merely took my hand and kissed it gently before going back to sleep.

---

Our drive home on Sunday was surprisingly pleasant. The weather was nice so we had the windows rolled down and most of the time water was always in view. We had decided that tomorrow I would call and set up an appointment with a counselor. How I was supposed to find one, I don't know. I guess I would check in the phone book. When we went to pick up Jack and Rita Mae I was beyond ecstatic to see them.

"My babies!" I smiled as I gave them hugs and kisses.

I stood with Ollie in the entrance of the living room while Billie went with the kids o get their stuff.

"How was your weekend?" Ollie knew about our problems but not the extent. Billie sugarcoated things for her a lot of the time I guess, but she had to know something was up.

"It was nice. There was a lot of wine to be tasted and the wedding was beautiful." I think Ollie sensed that I wasn't telling her everything but she didn't push it. I always appreciated that habit of hers because she knew I'd always come to her eventually.

When we finally got back home I got the kids settled and did some laundry. It was calming for some reason. As I shut the lid of the washing machine I felt totally zen until I heard a loud crash and what sounded like glass breaking. I took a deep breath and exited the laundry room, heading in the direction of the crash.

Jack stood in the living room, staring down at the ground where a frame lay broken into pieces. He was beginning to kneel down but I picked him up before he could touch the glass. Billie walked in with a dust pan and the broom so I asked him what had happened.

"Nothing. It was an accident." Billie quickly replied as he swept up the glass and picked the frame off of the ground.

The picture was of Billie and I right before they had played at Woodstock '94. I wasn't allowed to be in the crowd and had to watch from the side of the stage because I was three months pregnant and Billie had been extremely cautious and overly protective. I know that if I had been in the pit, he would have jumped off the stage and pulled me out himself, that's how crazy it got.

But those were old days. Now Billie probably wouldn't even invite me to shows.

"Daddy and I were playing airplane and we hit it accidentally." Just the way Jack tried to say 'accidentally' made me forget the whole thing.

"It's okay. It wasn't on purpose and no one got hurt." I set Jack down once Billie had all of the glass off the floor and the boy ran off to cause more havoc.

"Looks like I'll have to find a new frame.." I was casually trying to start a conversation.

"Looks like it." His shortness with me wasn't a good sign.

"So was our trip a fluke? We really haven't started to work on our problems?"

"Nothing's changed Grace." I could see that he was doubting himself. His voice wasn't firm and his eyes hinted at uncertainty.

"Fine. Go back to being an ignorant asshole. See how far that gets you."

"It's gotten me this far in life, why stop now?" He was being serious and facetious at the same time.

"Go for it. You were never this big of a jackass though. Not to me at least." It was really disheartening that he was acting the way he was.

"Keep your nose in your own business, alright? My attitude is none of your concern."

"It is my concern actually because it directly affects me! I need to go out." I grabbed my purse off the table by the door to the garage and Billie watched me with his eyebrows raised.

"Look who's running from her problems now!"

"You'll be thanking your lucky stars if I even come back tonight." I only stayed long enough to watch his jaw drop before leaving the house.

Like I had done time and time again I headed to RPM. I sent the two employees that were there home, telling them I would close up at eight like they would on the Sunday. The other six days we were open until ten.

I put on a random CD and frowned when Billie's voice rang out through the speakers around the store. Skipping the track, the mix went on and I got to work doing inventory of the latest shipments and de-stressing, all while thinking of what I was going to do next.