Sick of Me

Billie and I walked Rita Mae to the bus stop the next morning while Jack was still sleeping. We stood on either side of her and she was gripping our hands tightly with hers as we swung her every so often.

"Hey Momma are you and Daddy mad at each other?"

"Of course not sweetie. I love your dad very much." I felt Billie's eyes on me but I kept my gaze on Rita Mae's dark purple Converse. They were her favorite pair because they were in her favorite color.

"Are you sure? Sometimes it's like you don't even like each other."

"What makes you think that?" I was curious to hear her answer.

"When you tell daddy something he pretends that he doesn't even hear you…" I looked over at Billie, who was watching Rita with a troubled look.

"Reet if I didn't love your mom more than anyone else in the whole world I wouldn't have married her."

It was hard to tell if Billie was being sincere or if he was simply appeasing the girl.

"More than me and Jack?"

"It's a different kind of love, you know?" Billie tried to explain to Rita more and she nodded. She was one smart little girl and she wasn't afraid to show it.

We waited with her at the designated spot until the bus came, then Billie told her that he would be right here when she got off the bus after school. Rita Mae told us both goodbye, but she hugged Billie and whispered something in his ear quickly before skipping onto the big, yellow bus.

"She's missed having you home so much."

Billie nodded as we began our walk back to the house.

"What did she say to you though?

"She just gave me some advice, nothing too important." Billie held back which made me even more curious.

---

When we got home Billie told me that he was going to get Jack up and ready then we would take him to day care at nine. Our appointment with Dr. Krull was at 9:30 so I had time to kill.

I wandered into the basement, looking around for one of my guitars. Billie Joe had been clear about me not using any of his since he started acting the way he had been lately. I found a Gibson Flying V of mine and plugged it into an amp.

I glanced over at Billie's cluttered desk and found a pic then quickly tuned. I unplugged from the amp and went into the sound booth, connecting to the one amp in there and re-familiarizing myself with my old friend.

It had been a while since I played. Ross, Stella and I have put out a total of four records over the past few years as the Long Summer Nights and we've played nearly a dozen shows. It had been a pretty long time since we jammed together and I felt like we needed to soon.

I closed my eyes and let my fingers run over the frets as I strummed a seemingly endless series of chords, liking what I was hearing.

When I opened my eyes I saw Billie Joe with Jack in his arms, pointing at me and smiling. Jack's eyes were wide and by the looks of his smile I could tell that he was laughing.

Jack was just getting into a phase where he loved to sing. Lately he's spent a lot of time down here with Billie and I'll hear him singing Fashion Victim or the Grouch around the house.

I waved to Jack through the glass and he waved back, clapping his hands together.

"Hey there little man!" I turned off the amp and set my guitar down before exiting the booth.

"Daddy turned on the sound so we could listen to you!"

"He did huh? How was I?"

Jack was also in the 'blatantly honest' phase. Sometimes it was brutal.

"I liked it. Daddy did too, didn't you?"

"Yeah I did! Sometimes mom plays better than me," Billie admitted to him.

"Not all the time, right?" Jack asked and I nodded.

"That's right. Dad's a professional."

It was quiet as we headed to the day care center. Billie was driving so I looked back at Jack in his car seat.

"Hey why don't you sing something since dad won't turn the stereo on?"

Jack dropped the toy cars he had been rolling around and sent me a big smile. I noticed Billie shoot me a look but he didn't say anything because Jack was with us. He seemed to attempt to be civil with me around them now.

"Debbie Hollaway! Get on your skis and play!" Jack sang his rendition of 'Deadbeat Holiday', making me tear up with laughter. Even Billie cracked a smile and let out a few laughs as he pulled into a parking spot.

We applauded the mini rock star when we were all out of the car and he bowed, thanking us dramatically as we walked him inside. He reminded me more and more of Billie every day.

Billie and I sat side by side across from Dr. Krull at our appointment. I was playing with a strand of hair, Billie was tapping his foot and Doug just looked at us both.

"Nervous or are you both just extremely impatient?"

I looked at Billie and he looked at me, then we both looked at Doug.

"Nervous."

"Impatient."

Our answers didn't seem to surprise him at all. Doug had a lot of work to do and he knew it.

"Why don't you tell Billie what you said to me yesterday."

I turned my chair a bit so I could face Billie rather than Doug.

"I don't want our kids to have to choose sides…" I started to talk about what I thought Doug mean but apparently I was wrong.

"Grace, I want you to talk about you right now." I took a second to think and then nodded.

"The way you go from one extreme to another is really confusing. I don't get how you can go from ignoring me for days to… To shoving me around and going at me like a sex starved animal. You've got this grip on my heart and it's like you're squeezing it as hard as you can just for the hell of it."

I stared at Billie, watching him and waiting for any sort of reaction or response. He wasn't even looking at me; rather, he was staring down at his hands, which were starting to tremble.

I asked if he was okay or if he was having a panic attack and he looked up at me, nodding. His wide, fear stricken eyes said it all.

"Do you have a paper bag?" I asked Doug as I got up and stood at Billie's side, putting my hand on his back and making him lean forward.

"Head between your knees, Beej." While I rubbed his back I felt his quick, shallow breaths and I ask Doug to keep looking for that bag. When he couldn't find one, he quickly left his office to continue searching.

I knelt down in front of Billie and he grabbed my hands tightly, trying to steady his breathing. I asked if he had taken any of his medication lately and he shook his head. He was only supposed to if he was feeling stressed, but didn't even do that.

"Come on. You need to calm down and breathe." I could hear his heart pounding through his chest and then Doug came back with a brown paper lunch bag. I let go of Billie's hands and Doug gave him the bag then went to shut his office door.

It took a few minutes before Billie recovered but the entire time he was breathing into that stupid bag he stared directly into my eyes and I stared right back.

When he was okay I sat back in my chair and looked over at Doug, who had been watching us curiously.

"Billie, do you know why you just had a panic attack?"

"I don't know. All of a sudden my chest got tight and I felt like I was going to die, you know?"

Doug asked if we wanted to continue with our session.

I shot a glance at Billie who surprisingly nodded. I agreed and Dr. Krull intercommed his secretary to have her push back his next appointment.

I tapped my foot on the floor, watching the dirty laces of my Chuck Taylors bounce up and down. I wasn't sure if Billie was going to open up or just shut down like he normally does. I glanced over to Billie and saw that he was doing basically the same thing I was.

"This is what happens whenever we try to talk. Or well, when I try to talk to him."

"You had no problem opening up yesterday, Billie."

"Talking to you is different, Doug. I haven't known you for almost all of my life. I could go on living if I never saw you again, you know?"

I couldn't wait for Dr. Krull to answer without intervening.

"No, Billie Joe, I don't know. We used to talk about anything and everything." I thought very carefully about my next move. I had a few options. I could let this continue and get nowhere or I could actually do something.

I chose to do something for once. Locking eyes with Billie, I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't sit here in silence with him and make no progress whatsoever.

"You do know that counseling takes several sessions, right?" Doug tried to get things under control.

"I was kidding myself to think that you would take this seriously and that we could slowly work our way back up. But no. Like always, you do whatever the fuck you want because you're Billie Joe Armstrong, punk rock extraordinaire. Well I've got news for you, mister. You're almost thirty. We're not careless teenagers anymore. You need to get yourself together."

I stood up, grabbed my purse and left, mumbling a goodbye to Dr. Krull on my way out. I headed out into the chilly October air, ignoring Billie's footsteps behind me.

"The car is over this way…"
"I know. I'm taking the bus or something." I looked around for a bus stop as I continued walking, hearing Billie's pace hasten.

"I'm not letting you just take a bus." He grabbed my wrist and I whirled around so quickly that I even surprised myself.

"Like hell you won't." I jerked away from him and walked another hundred yards to the bust stop, sitting on the bench and digging in my purse for two dollars in quarters, ignoring Billie as he watched me from across the street.