Sequel: The Violet Hour
Status: Finished!

Practice Makes Perfect.

Chapter Twenty-One.

I decided against Jon's plan. I wasn't that kind of person to go out there and hurt someone. Jon wasn't either. Patrick and I met up the next day and had lunch where he spent most of the time apologizing. I know Patrick was sorry, there was no doubt in my mind about that. But it was just about him not doing it again. I could just let him off the hook and let that be that. But then he might do it again, and he would expect me to be okay with that. I don't want to be like that person. It took everything in me not to jump into Patrick's arms and tell him that I was sorry for acting like a total jerk and that I wanted him too. After lunch I went home by myself and tried to read some more. I thought about Patrick of course but I thought about Jon and what happened last night. I was wondering if I made a mistake by kissing him. Jon had called while I was with Patrick but I never told Patrick. I never intended to, either. I decided I should call him back. “Hey, I saw you called.” I said. “Yeah, I was wondering what you had decided.” He said. “Patrick and I are just going to be friends, for now. I can't treat anyone like that, let alone Patrick.” I said sighing. “I know you can't do that. I'm sorry I suggested it.” He said. “Don't be. You just wanted to help. You did last night. I'm really glad you're around.” I said. “I'm sorry for uhm, kissing you last night.” He said. “Jon, what are you talking about? I kissed you dude.” I said. “I guess we both did. I don't know.” He said. “Jon, are you fidgeting? I can totally tell you are.” I said. “You know me too well.” He said laughing. “Are you mad at me?” I asked him. “For what?” He asked me. “For kissing you.” I said. “We both did it. It was inevitable. I'm glad you did.” He said. “Why was it inevitable?” I asked him. “You ask too many questions, Blaine.” He told me. “You avoid too many questions, Jon. Now effing answer my question.” I said. “Everything that built up when we were kids. Like, I thought that was all gone then you show up again. Except this time you have Patrick. It was bound to happen at some point.” He said. “Jon, do you like me?” I asked him. “We talked about this last night.” He said. “I don't think you were telling me the truth though.” I said. “I like you as a friend. I mean, like yeah when we were younger and stuff. I just, I don't know.” He said. I sat there silently with the phone against my ear. “Are you there?” He asked me sighing. “Yeah, I am.” I said. “I'm sorry.” He said. “Stop apologizing. You didn't do anything here. Neither of us did anything wrong. We let whatever moment that was, get to us.” I said. “I'm sick of apologizing and I'm sick of hearing people apologize. Seriously, I hate that word. It means nothing to me anymore.” I finished. “I know you are, Blaine. I just don't know what to tell you.” He said. “I just want to be happy. Like, I thought I was before Patrick. I would do schoolwork and read and get involved with clubs. I thought that was okay. But I was so effing lonely, Jon. Then Patrick came alone, and someone wanted to be with me. I realized how lonely I was before. I don't want that again.” I said. “Don't settle for Patrick because you're afraid of being alone. You have people who care about you. I care about you.” He said. “I wouldn't be settling.” I said. “Only you know what you want. Don't let him off the hook if you think he will do this again, Blaine. That would be settling. You are so much better than that. You're one of the best people I know. I don't want to see you hurt.” He said. “I know that. I'm not going to be like that again though. I was just really vulnerable and I let someone take over my life.” I said. “You loved him, you wanted him to feel the same way.” He said. “And maybe I want Patrick to feel the same way about me. Like, I don't want to be consumed by someone again unless I know they feel the same way.” I said. “You never know.” He said. “Thank you, for listening to me, Jon.” I said. “That's why I'm here. I always have been and always will be.” He said. I hung up after Jon did and I thought about our conversation. I don't want to have this weird friendship where there's always going to be that tension. I don't want to sit down in twenty years and wonder if I made a mistake with Jon. I don't want to be that girl that everyone sees and is like “there's the whore that broke up the Blackhawks.” I don't want to wonder if I was with the wrong man. I can put up with a lot of things, but I cannot stand second guessing myself. I really liked Patrick. I had so much fun with him and I knew he liked me back. But something about Jon made me feel safe and I could talk to him without worrying I would say something wrong. I wasn't in love with either of them. I wasn't worried about that but I didn't want to feel hurt or anything. What was I thinking? Jonathan doesn't like me. He told me that. He was absolutely right. It was inevitable and it happened. Now that moment was done and we could go on with our lives. We could be friends and act like that never happened. I was just really upset and he didn't want to be rude and stop me. I sat there the rest of the day, trying to justify everything about myself. I was doubting myself, I was just trying really hard to make myself believe I was okay.
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