Eventually, Something Has to Give

Looking up at the ceiling I listened to Tan and Garrett’s soft calm breathing. I wish I was asleep like them still, like I had been a while ago, but once I woke up I couldn’t get back to sleep, my brain was too active running over everything that happened as of late, mostly the things in the last two weeks.

If someone told me that morning I left to the mall that I would trust Garrett in any slight way I would have laughed in their face – because I simply don’t trust anyone. I still don’t know if I trusted John, Kennedy and Pat much at all. I don’t have anything against them, I just dunno if I can, at least not yet. I’m still getting used to letting Garrett just touch me softly and trust that he wouldn’t hurt me when he did.

Truth be told I hated myself for that, I really did. But I can’t help it; it’s like part of the makeup of who I am now. I can’t change it much and I don’t really see that changing at all, it hasn’t changed at all since the others are my...friends, so why would it change now.

But Garrett seems to be different than anyone else other than Jared and Tanner; he kept helping me, being nice to me and it was almost like he accepted me how I was in a messed up heap. It almost feels like he wants to keep helping me – and what if he did? Could I let him? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know much anymore, not that I did before anyway.

But I have another question I wanted answered that I probably won’t ever ask; why does he want to help me? Was it because we were friends or just because he wants to? I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m just confused I guess, so much has happened and changed over the last month. I can’t wrap my mind around it yet, it’s a mindfuck.

Letting out a long breath I rolled over onto my side facing the two guys that was laying on the ground. My eyes trailed over Garrett like if looking at him would tell me an answer to my questions, but of course it didn’t.

+.+.+

Balling my hand into a fist I slammed it down on the wooden boards of the veranda I was sitting on making a really loud thudding crack. Glaring at the sketch book on my lap, I picked it up and threw it away from me making it land on the grass at the end of the stairs. I grunted annoyed as I hid my face in my hands.

Why can’t I just draw a happy picture from my head without seeing it in front of me? It’s starts off nice and cheerful but as I get more into it I let my mind wonder, by the time I actually take in what I was doing it was something along the lines of my dreams I have been having. It always happens because I can’t stop thinking about them lately.

I swear if I see that guy that bothered me in the mall two weeks ago again I will stab him with a spork. Everything has changed because of that day.

“Hey what’s wrong?” I heard Garrett ask softly from behind me as Jared’s front door clicked shut.

I didn’t say anything back or move. I can’t really tell him because then for him to understand I have to tell him more. I don’t want him to know, I defiantly don’t trust him enough for that. Hell I haven’t told Jared everything yet, I think Tanner may have now, but I’m not sure.

Hearing his footsteps pass me, I peeped out between my fingers to see what he was doing. When he bent down to pick up the book I felt like I had stopped breathing. Without realising right away I jumped to my feet.

“Don’t look at that!” I gasped just as he was about to. “Please.”

Looking up at me he nodded and closed the book as I took in a deep breath. He handed it out for me when I reached out for it. Once it was in my hands again I held it to my chest tightly.

“Sorry, I just wanted to know what made you so angry that you would throw it away like that.”
“It’s alright, I just...I just can’t draw what I wanted to draw, it always comes out wrong.”
“May I have a look then? Sometimes having someone else’s opinion helps.”

I looked away from him bitting my lip.

“I dunno, it’s pretty private.” I said slowly.
“It’s alright you don’t have to.”

I looked back over at him and he smiled kindly before moving towards where I was sitting before. He sat down patting the free spot next to him. I shyly sat down still holding my book tightly.

What happened if he saw some of the things I had drawn? He would think I was crazy! Or demanded why I was drawing things like that. He could probably even talk to Jared about it and what if Jared accidently slipped something? Then he could tell anyone!

“Are you ok? You look...scared or something, you’re really pale.”
“I’m fine.” I said a bit too rushed.

He eyed me but nodded not saying anything more. That confused me, he knows I’m not “fine” but he didn’t push it. That was another thing about Garrett that I have noticed; he confuses me.

“You are so confusing.” I breathed resting my face in my palm with my elbow in my knee.
“How?”

My eyes went wide and I completely froze. He heard that even though I said it under my breath? Slowly turned my head towards him to see him looking at me confused. Shit.

“Just how you are.” I muttered sighing.
“What do you mean by that?”
“You know that I’m not fine but you don’t press it, you try and help me with the littlest things, your nice to me and even bother to come out here when I was pissed off that much I threw the book away, you-“ Quickly I cut myself off noticing that I was rambling.

Am I losing my mind today or something? Garrett chuckled and moved a little closer to me with that caring smile spread across his face.

“That’s because I care.” He smiled shyly. “I care about you...so that’s why.” He muttered before clearing his throat.
“But why?” I breathed completely overwhelmed with emotions that ran through my chest. “No one apart from family has really cared for me before.” I whispered.
“I don’t know, but I do and I’m glad I do. Everyone needs friends at some point in their lives and I want to be your friend. I guess I want to help you, I don’t know why but I do.”

Staring down at the sketch book that he had gotten me I let all his words sink in. They made sense but at the same time it didn’t. At least I understood it a bit more now I guess, better knowing that then nothing right? Ducking my head down a felt the smallest of smiles touch my face.

I had a friend and a person that cared for me – that wasn’t family...

“Thank you.” I whispered not sure what I was thanking him for.
“No need to.” He said just a quiet.

From behind my hair a glanced at him before looking out in front of us. After that neither of us said anything but at the same time we didn’t need to.

+.+.+

“Thank you.” Tanner yelled mostly in my ear at Pat.
“You’re welcome.” Pat beamed turning to head for his house.

Rubbing my ear I glared at my brother, he ignored it grabbing my hand dragging me along with him across his street to our house. It was good Pat lived across the road and gave us a ride home from Jared’s otherwise me and Tan would have been walking. Garrett did offer but we had already said yes to Pat.

I wouldn’t have minded going with Garrett so we could talk more after what happened outside of Jared’s house this morning. I’d like to know more, but I felt a little bad about that – I wanted to know about him but I wouldn’t let him know much about me. Even if I did, where would I start?

Getting shaken from my thoughts by Tanner’s loud yelling I almost fell over on the veranda steps, but before I managed to hit the ground he caught me, and then threw me over his shoulder. Right away I started kicking my legs around yelling for him to put me down.

“No, sorry no can do!” He said cheerfully.
“That is the last time you have lollies and energy drinks at the same time.” I scold.
“Where would the fun be in that?” He asked opening the front door.

Sighing I just shook my head as he placed me down on my feet. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and ran off to the kitchen.

“That people is my older brother who is in collage.” I muttered sarcastically to myself as I entered the kitchen.

Just as I walked into the room a muffin came flying at my face. I managed to catch it last second glaring at Tanner. He just smiled sitting on the bench. Looking at the muffin I rolled my eyes before taking a bite. Anyone would think I was addicted to muffins or something.

The front door slamming shut suddenly made me and Tan both jump startled. We looked at each other confused knowing that was defiantly not mum because she would have yelled out a greeting. Tanner quickly jumped up and ran out the room, I followed more slowly, unsure.

“Hi dad!” Tan chirped making me freeze shocked.

Dad was home? He was actually in this house?! Walking around the corner I found out that there he was in the flesh. Wonders never seise.

“Oh, hello Tanner.” Dad side in a dull voice kicking off his shoes before glancing at me. “And Larissa.”
“Hello.” I said somewhat awkwardly.

Dad showed me a small smile, but it was nothing like he used to show me before he started working way too much to even come home. The look in his eyes changed too, they just looked dull and unloving. I don’t think Tan noticed that but I did.

“How has work been?” Tanner asked.
“Alright, busy like usual.” Dad said simply.

As Dad walked into the kitchen, Tan looked at me oddly. I gave the same look back shrugging. That was weird for Dad. He turned walking into the kitchen. I stayed where I was listening to the muffled talking.

“Look, Tanner I’m tired ok? We’ll talk later.” Dad mumbled walking out the kitchen and past me.

As he did pass me he didn’t even spare a glance. For some reason that hurt, it was like he didn’t see me there. When he was out of my sight Tanner walked up beside me looking as confused as what I was feeling.

“That was weird...” He trailed off.
“Yeah.”
“He didn’t even use our nicknames; normally he never said our full names.”

We both looked at each other worried and confused.