Eventually, Something Has to Give

The living room was filled with happy chatter as everyone talked, joked and laughed. Even though I was normally not in the conversations during movie nights; I usually listened and maybe laughed lightly at something somebody said.

This afternoon and so far tonight I didn’t. I didn’t pay much attention to what they were talking about and let myself zone out a little only keep myself aware enough to know when someone had said something to me. Other than that, it was all ignorable background noise.

I ignored anything that I was feeling over that stuff with dad and that dream I had. I shoved that all to one side making me feel almost hollow. That feeling used to scare me to be honest, but when I started shoving emotions to the side like this when I was being abused by those guys I got used to it. Not many people can do it, but I’m over happy that I can.

I knew that one day I would need to do it again for something. Right now proved it. I still wanted someone to curl up to though, I just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel the safest they could. That was one feeling I could never shove to the side easily.

Flattening my lips into a line, I looked around the room letting my eyes trail over everything that was sitting on the shelves and hanging on the walls. As my eyes touch a certain frame on the wall, I stared at it. It was a picture of me, Jared and Tanner that was taken not long after we moved here.

Both boys looked so happy in it; they had huge smiles and their eyes were lit up like it was their happiest day ever...

But then there was me – I was smiling but it didn’t completely touch my eyes that much. My eyes and posture was guarded, bags hanged under my eyes and I was wearing the longest and baggiest clothes I could wear without gaining any attention to hide my scars. Kinda like what I was doing today.

Do I still look that guarded today? Do my eyes have the same look in them? Was I still like that with posture? Was I what dad called me?

I frowned and silently got up from where I was sitting. I wondered over to the bookshelf on the other side of the room, sitting down on the floor in front of it. I pulled the most recent photo album from the bottom shelf and sat it on my lap. Though it was the most recent, it contained photos from the last two years, so it said on the book’s spine.

Slowly I opened the book and started flicking through photos that Jared, Auntie Rhonda and Uncle Vaughn had taken. I looked for mainly ones with me, which there wasn’t much of, mostly because I didn’t really like people taking pictures of me, because of obvious reasons.

Every photo I come across I studied it. It felt weird looking at photos of me like that, but I was curious – plus it was a distraction from everything else, so I was fine with that.

I looked at about ten photos or more seeing me the same as the photo on the wall, the only difference was that in around two of them, I was wearing shorter clothes, but no enough to show many visible scars, I only had bags under my eyes when I was tired and there was the slightest bit more life in my eyes – but they were still guarded; never carefree.

I sighed almost sadly and kept turning the pages. Until I got to last pages of the book, where there were more photos of our friends in there, mostly random movie night photos where I was sitting away from everyone, shy and awkward. Or with them, shy and awkward.

I sighed again and just stared at them looking at everyone one else’s fun-loving, carefree happy smiles. Smiles that I don’t think that will ever make onto my face complete again.

Suddenly I feel left out and alone from realising that. Rolling my eyes at myself I shook my head, but didn’t look away from the album photos. It almost felt like I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop looking at their emotions caught on shinny paper, emotions I saw from them every time I see them – even when I started to shake.

Bitting my lip hard, snapping my eyes closed, I force the book shut making a snapping thud fill the room. With eye still closed I pushed the album gently off my lap and held my head in my hands. It was only seconds before someone’s hand was on my shoulder making a shiver ripple down my spine.

“Hey, are you alright?” I heard Garrett ask softly.

I was surprised to find out that Garrett was the one sitting next to me, but then again I shouldn’t be surprised from that by now. Old habits die head I guess. Taking a deep breath, I thought of what I should tell him. Say I was “fine” when I really wasn’t?

I shook my head slightly only enough for him to notice before opening my eyes to look at him. He looked at me worried and confused squeezing my shoulder slightly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I guess.” I muttered quietly.

He nodded and moved his hand until his arm was wrapped gently around my waist. I softly leaned into his touch, wanting to feel safe like what I did before. Safe from what exactly I have no idea, but that is how I wanted to feel. I let my eyes lower to my hands that sat in my lap. I softly pulled the sleeves down enough to cover my wrists.

“Did anyone till you about what happened at my house yesterday after you dropped me off?” I whispered so only he could hear me.

I rather talk about that then why I was looking at the photos for. Then again I started looked at the photos because of that.

“Not really, just that there was a fight, between everyone.” He said lowly.
“Well we found out what dad was so...weird about.” I bit my lip hard again. “And he said a few...not so nice things to and about me.”

I glanced up at his face to see him shocked and almost, angry? In a way I didn’t know why I was telling him this but I figure he’d find out anyway. I’m sure Jared would tell him sooner or later, now that we are “close” as he says.

“He hates me; he said I was an antisocial freak.” I whispered my voice cracking slightly on the last word.

Garrett was quiet for a moment, still at my side. I looked down so I could only see my hands again and sucked my bottom lip into my mouth.

“So...he’s ashamed of you?” He half chocked out and I flinched at the word he used, because it was exactly what it was.
“Yeah...”
“That’s bullshit!” He whispered yelling making me look at him surprised. “I’m sorry, but how could he say that? You’re his daughter; he should be happy and love you no matter what.”

I nodded softly looking away from him again. I almost felt ashamed that dad felt ashamed of me, if that made sense. Well so much for shoving most emotions to the side for the night.

“Anyway, don’t listen to him because as far as I see there is nothing wrong with you. He’s wrong and blind.” He whispered with a smile in his voice. “You’re pretty, artistically talented and just you. Sure, you don’t trust people easily or very social but far as I see that is what makes you; you.”

As his words hit my ears I felt my neck as well as my face heat up. I still can’t get over how he says all these things and not be related to me. It blew me away every time and I can tell just by his voice that he really saw that. And that made my face all the redder. I almost did felt embarrassed.

Trying not to smile I nudged him in the side.

“Oh shut up, I don’t appreciate suck ups.” I joked.
“This zombie will suck your blood!” He said in a very bad funny voice.
“I thought zombies eat brains.” I laughed lightly.
“Ok then. This zombie will suck up your brain!”

I placed my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t laugh loudly like he did. I could feel eyes on my back then but ignored them. Garrett and his bloody zombies. Chuckling he squeezed my side a little in a playful way. Once our laughs died down the smile faded off my lips, I still wasn’t as cheerful, though he did make me feel a little better.

Softly he hugged my side again before pulling away to stand up. Looking down at me he held his hands out and I took them, letting him pull me up. Not letting go of one of my hands he led me over to one of the couches and sat down making sure there was plenty of room for me.

I sat down next to him but didn’t let go of his hand. He smiled at me and I smiled softly back. He glanced at our hands and as I was about to let go thinking that he wanted to, he tighten his grip for a second before smiling and looking away as Pat asked him something.

I felt myself blush again and turned to look at Tanner. He winked at me. I rolled my eyes hitting him in the arm with my free hand. He chuckled leaning in to whisper in my ear.

“It’s nice to see you still trust him to hold your hand still.” He smiled. “Saves me from getting my lap squashed by you.”
“Hey!”

He laughed pulling away slightly making me roll my eyes again. But I could see in his eyes that he was happy about my small trust with Garrett and I know that he was happy that some was comforting me in a way right now. Times like this that’s all I want to feel better.

My brother grinned at me before placing his legs over my lap as a foot rest.

“You mind?” I asked raising an eyebrow.
“Do you babysit?”

I hit his leg shaking my head, but I couldn’t fight the small smile that wanted to spread across my lips. Tanner grinned again before handing me a packet of mixed lollies. I smile thankfully and took a couple.

Popping them into my mouth I looked around the room again at everyone talking before my eyes caught sight of that photo on the wall again. My lips flattened into a line and I glanced around the room at everyone else.

Could I ever be care free and smile freely like them again? I’d like to think so.