Eventually, Something Has to Give

I sat on the mattress that was placed in the middle of Jared’s room with my knees tucked to my chin and the blankets wrapped around me, much like yesterday morning. I had another flashback dream, once again different, but it was about both my scars and being hit like a human rag doll.

And in my current emotional state it affected me a slight bit more than normal when I woke up. I actually cried silently to myself for a while, but it made me feel better at least. The only problem now was that I can’t sleep and I can’t draw right now. With Garrett and Jared sleeping in the same room there was no way I could draw even using a torch and not wake one of them up.

So I was stuck here, sitting on the mattress and looking out the window I had open the curtains on, to stare at the small amount of stars I could see. There wasn’t much even at this time in the morning because of living in a large town, but at least I got to see some I guess. I always found stars so lovely to look that, it made me feel bad that I’d forget to look at them sometimes.

To me it looked like they were dancing in the sky, that full of happiness and life that shined so bright. A crap kiddie thought, but I don’t care because that’s now I see them and I’m alright with that. It’s not like I would bother telling anyone I thought that anyways.

Smiling lightly at the sight I pulled the blankets around me tighter, because it wasn’t exactly the warmest night. I ignored that though and just huddled in the covers where I sat.

I have no idea how long I sat there for staring out the window, but slowly the dark blue turned purple, and then pink, then a soft orange. I haven’t watched the sun rise since I was being abused by those guys; I used to stay up late at night when I couldn’t sleep and if it was a clear night I’d open the curtains and watch the sunrise, hoping that a new sunrise meant a good new day – didn’t always though, but I hoped.

I hoped that someone would notice, help me, be there for me and so much more. I almost fainted in relief when Tanner finally noticed because that stopped the physical abuse. As anyone can tell the mental effects are still there and raw; probably always will be.

With soft eyes I watched the tip of the sun shine over the horizon made of buildings. Rays of sunlight came through the glass and shinned down on me mostly as I was in the middle of the room in front of the window. The rest of the room lit up softly and I could see bits of dust float through the air, then swirl around fast when caught in the air I blew out. A time like this was when I wish I could stop time.

Still looking out the window I watch the sun fully rise into the air. I smiled softly and placed my head on my knees, closing my eyes now that it was over. I slight lightly hugging my legs.

The sound of someone moving under the covers caught my ears and I tilted my head up to see Garrett roll over to face me, but then screwed his face up when the sunlight hit his skin. I tried not to laugh as he moaned a little trying to bury his head in the pillow. Chuckling I pushed my blankets off me and got up. I pulled the curtains shut trying to be quiet, which didn’t work and sat back down how I was before.

“What are you doing awake at this time for?”

I pulled the blankets back over me and turned to face Garrett; he still had his face stuffed into the pillow. I didn’t mean to wake him up at all, but I guess I did.

“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.” I whispered.

If I woke up Jared he’d be pissed off and make me cook breakfast or something. I glanced over at him to see him still sleeping peacefully facing away from us, towards the wall.

“Sorry for having the curtains open, I was watching the sunrise.”
“That’s alright.” He muttered around a yawn. “I can just fall back to sleep if I wanted.”
“Wish I could.” I muttered.
“Why can’t you?” He asked looked at me with half open sleepy eyes.

I shrugged placing my chin on my knees. But the look on his face made me want to tell him why I was awake, even if I didn’t go into details.

“I had another dream.” I whispered. “After I just couldn’t go back to sleep.”

Garrett was quiet as I closed my eyes letting the blackness calm me down. I pushed any memory to the side so I wouldn’t see it. I didn’t want to start crying again or something. Not with Garrett being the only one here and awake.

“Do you always get so many dreams like this?” He whispered sounding unsure like if he was afraid to ask that.
“I did for a while, then they slow down so I was having one every so often...then what that guy did at the mall brought them back for a while, they were starting to be less frequent again until that fight at home.”

I opened my eyes to look at him and judge his reaction. Surprisingly he looked worried and even sad over it. Why in the world would he? Because he ‘cared’? Why does he even care about me so much? I know he does because he told me and he shows it openly even if he was trying to hide it, but why?

I think I’ve thought about that before, but I still have no answer. Honestly I’m too afraid to ask him, because what if he really didn’t or was just using me? No I don’t think he is, but what if he was doing it because he was sympathetic? I don’t want someone’s sympathy.I want a friend.

He sighed lightly and got up onto his knees, moved onto my bed and laid down again with his blankets wrapped tightly around him. I looked at him confused when he slowed me a soft smile.

“Do you really think I’d go back to sleep and let you stay awake on your own again?” He asked around a grin.

I felt my cheeks heat up very slightly from sudden shyness but moved to lie down next to him anyway. Somewhat like we did on the front lawn of Pat’s house a few days ago. I bit my lip as I looked at his face to see him smiling friendly still.

“So what you want to talk about?” He whispered.

*~*~*

My hand held into Tanner’s that tightly I swear I was crushing all the bones. I wanted to loosen my grip but I was afraid of going back in that house – if dad was there or not. Call me pathetic, childish or whatever. But I was scared; it now held another bad memory for me. I have enough of those damn things already.

“It’ll be alright.” Tanner murmured dragging me towards the house. “When I called mum this morning she said that idiot had already left for work.”

I nodded numbly and just followed him, because I know if I didn’t he’d pick me up and carry me in there anyway. Also I bet mum wanted to see me because Tan said she was very worried about me.

Naturally she would with a daughter like me. She knows I get hurt from things like that easily because it was own family member that said that. Most people would have pushed that to the side and take no notice to what dad said about me...but I trusted him, I looked up to him and for him to say let alone think that. It hurts, it hurts a lot.

Handing Tanner my keys, he opened the door and pulled me inside letting Jared -who was still talking to Pat by the road- close it when he came in. I asked Jared if he would come over at lunch, he typically said yes without a thought...I did ask Garrett too when we were talking this morning, he said he would but then found out his mum wanted him home for something, so he couldn’t, at least not until tonight if he wasn’t busy.

As far as I know, none of the others know anything more then there was a big argument, I like it to stay that way as well. I don’t need the stress of what they thought on top of everything.

“Tan, Lara? Is that you two?”
“Yeah it’s us.” Tan called back to mum as he pulled me towards the kitchen.

I bit my lip very hard, defiantly on the verge of breaking the skin, not that I really cared at the moment. As we walked into the room I was tacked in a crushing hug from mum. Sighing I relaxed into to her and let her hold me. Tanner grabbed my hands smiling and wrapped them back around her. I shot him a look but he smirked before leaning against the counter by the sink.

“How are you darling?” Mum asked pulling away enough to look at my face.

For a moment I hoped that there was no trace left of me crying this morning before sunrise. I have no idea how she would react if she knew that.

“I’m alright, I guess.” I said softly.

She frowned slightly but nodded. She let go of me to hug Tanner. I suck my teeth down on my lip again. This time I could taste it and I knew what it was when the warm metallic liquid hit my tongue, finally I bit my lip hard enough to cut it.

“I’m going up stairs.” I muttered. “Jared’s here too, he’s outside still.”
“Alright hun.” Mum nodded.

Slowly I turned around and headed up stairs away from that room of the house. Sighing lightly I walked into the bathroom and straight to the mirror. I pulled at my lip a little to see how much I had cut it. I winced slightly as I did that, making blood to trickle down my chin. Well that was a smart thing to do.

Rolling my eyes at myself I walked to my room and pulled out my personal first aid kit I always had on me since the abuse started from under my bed. I opened it up to get some wipes out.

At least this was a small enough distraction for now.