Eventually, Something Has to Give

The clock ticked extremely loud throughout the living room, it has always been pretty loud but in the awkward very tense air that surrounded us; it was on the edge of deafening. I’m positive at least one of us wanted to jump up and rip it off the wall smashing it into pieces right now, well I did anyway but didn’t let myself do so.

I swear if I ever have a list of awkward moments, this would be at the top of the list without a doubt – and that wasn’t easy to say because I have awkward moments every single day. I’m just an awkward person, but this here, right now; takes the cake. I just want to run out the room and hide under my bed.

All four of us hadn’t spoken a word since we all sat down. Tanner, mum and I kept glancing at each other but dad just stared at the ground, sitting in such a way he looked curled in on himself. It had been a week since the fight and a month since he really started acting up. He only got back home today and asked to talk in the living room. Hopefully he finally tells us what is going on because this is just stupid.

As I waiting for him to start – or someone – I felt my heart going crazy in my chest and my palms sweating with nerves. This right now could be the end or new start to our family. Are we going to break apart like it seemed to be going or is everything going to be fixed? To tell the truth I don’t really care if we break up because right now I don’t trust dad. I realised this the other night and I haven’t for the last four years or more.

I only made myself think I did as part of the “family photo” I had in my head so I didn’t see how bad things really were. I never should have done that even though at the time I did it to keep myself together. I regret it so much now because it’s only made things hurt more now.

I watched as dad closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“I’m not sure where to start, but I guess sorry would be a good way.” He said slowly.

Tanner scoffed under his breath next to me making mum give him a warning glance to keep quiet. I shifted my gaze to the floor while keeping my face emotionless. I don’t want to be here.

“I’m sorry for everything I’ve caused over the last month or so, especially last week in the kitchen that was more than out of line.” He continued but I still didn’t look up. “I know that this might sound like a weak excuse but work has been stressful-“
“It does sound like a weak excuse.” Tanner said sharply. “What you said was way out of line.” He snapped taking my hand in his.

It wasn’t until his hand wrapped around mine that I noticed it was shaking that much. I balled my free hand into a fist hiding it by my side.

“I know, it was very...pathetic of me.” Dad mumbled, sounding more to myself than anyone. “But work has been stressful for almost the last year now, even with all the hours I’ve worked I almost lost my job three times.”
“What? How can that happen?” Mum asked shocked.
“I have no idea.” He grumbled. “But it did. Then when my work mates started butting in what family life I did have, they started saying things about you all, but mostly Larissa.”

I flinched a little. I have no idea who those guys are, yet their saying things about me? What gives them the right to do so? I thought what those guys did to me was pathetic; bashing and abusing a helpless person, but that almost has nothing on dad’s ‘work mates’. Some people in this world make me sick.

“I guess hearing it over such a long time it got stuck in my head and because I actually have no idea why you were so...”
“Antisocial with trust issues.” I whispered still not looking away from the ground.

Tanner squeezed my hand and I did it back. It wasn’t easy saying that about myself but it was true and there was no way of sugar coating it. I heard mum sigh sadly from where she sat and dad shuffle in his seat. The unwanted uneasiness that used to float around in my chest during Jared’s movie nights came seeping back. I don’t I ever felt it with family before.

“I was trying to say it in a nice way, but yes that.” Dad said clearing this throat. “I never knew what happened and when your mother suggested moving here I was even more confused, but agreed because the rest of you all wanted to move, I wanted you all happy.”
“The reason you didn’t know was because you were always at work, you were never around so we said nothing.” Tanner said emotionless.
“I know; I’m sorry for that too.”
“But that changes nothing; we can’t go back in time.” Mum said quietly.

My hold on Tan’s hand tightens again. I’d give anything to go back and change what happened, but like mum said we can’t. We can’t change anything and I guess that is why I don’t fully forgive dad. He had a choice and he decided work was more important.

“No we can’t.” Dad sighed.
“I don’t want you to know.”

I felt everyone’s eyes on me when I said that. Slowly I looked up keeping my face emotionless as possible when my eyes connected with his.

“I don’t want you to know.” I repeated. “I don’t want to tell you, I don’t want to relive it saying it again like I would to explain it to you and I don’t think I want you to know exactly what happened.”

Dad looked down at the ground nodding softly and I looked away across the other side of the room, blinking hard to hold back the sudden tears that wanted to fall. It was fair right? He was never there, I don’t want to explain it to him, and I don’t fully trust him because he was almost a stranger, a ghost, to me. So it was fair I never tell him right?

“I understand.” Dad whispered. “After how I’ve been putting all of you second for years; I don’t deserve to know.”

Tanner squeezed my hand again, I know he would understand and agree with me. I felt his lips just touch my temple as in a way of saying he agreed and was proud of me saying that. If it still wasn’t so tense in the room and having this conversation right now, I would have smiled at that.

It was quiet for a while and I knew it was from the fact no one knew what to say exactly. Small flicks of old images flashed and I tried to push them out of my head. I can’t see them right now, I can’t cry right now. This was not the time. Squeezing my eyes shut I shook my head lightly.

“Tan and Lara, can I have a moment to talk to him alone?” Mum asked. “We need to sort more things out.”

Jumping from her suddenly speaking, I snapped my head up to look at her. She gave me a soft sad smiled. Tried to show one back but I just couldn’t right now. Inside of me felt like it was breaking. I’m that weak I can’t even handle this conversation.

Tanner pulled at my hand making me stand up with him. I followed him out the room not once looking at dad again; I don’t think I wanted to right now. Once we were out of the room by the front door Tan pulled me into a tight hug. I slowly wrapped my arms around him.

“I couldn’t agree with you more, he doesn’t deserve to know, I proud of you saying that as bravely as you did.” He whispered.

I nodded as he pulled away. He quickly kissed my forehead.

“How are you feeling?” He asked unsure.
“I...I dunno.” I breathed out. “Overwhelmed?” I guessed.
“It’s go up to your room, we’ll relax for a while.” He said pulling at my hand but I didn’t move.
“No, I wanna go for a walk. I want out of the house. I don’t want to be here for a while.” I whispered afraid of my voice cracking.
“Alright, but I better get a jacket first it’s just after sunset-“
“Can I go alone?”

Tanner looked at me a little shocked but slowly nodded. Even I was surprised saying and wanting that. He gave me another quick hug pecking my cheek.

“Don’t get yourself lost ok? Call if you need me to pick you up.”
“I will.” I whispered.

Slowly almost automatically I turned, opened the door and walked out the house. The cool night air nipped at my face slightly but I ignored it walking off the veranda and across the front lawn before heading down the footpath.

By the time I was at the end of the street I was shaking, not from cold but with emotions. I had no idea what to feel, think or anything. I just couldn’t get it together, it was like I suddenly reached my limit at the moment and I was breaking a little inside.

What was the worst though, that was probably the reason for me being like this right now; was that whole conversation, the shit with dad and the dreams brought almost everything back. Suddenly I couldn’t shove it away to the side anymore like I normally did. Painful memories pooled in front of my eyes...

Me getting yelled at, shoved to the ground, kicked in the ribs, slammed on my back, held to the floor, being cut, scratched, punched and everything else, was all I could really see along with my blood I used to see almost every day for such a long time. Memories of bandaging myself up, watching the sunrise, dreams, drawing, crying myself to sleep, looking at myself in a mirror, hoping for someone to be there or someone to notice, wasn’t far behind.

Everything thing I have been trying so hard to block out suddenly hit like a brick wall. I knew this would happen sometime, obviously...but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. It felt like I couldn’t breathe when I was. I knew without feeling it that I was crying, how badly I don’t know right now, but I knew I was.

With the images floating around and around, I kept walking and walking letting my legs led me in the dark. It wasn’t until I felt my knees start shaking that I stopped to see where I was. It took a long moment to realise that I was just a couple of blacks away from Jared’s and five minutes away from Garrett’s.

Without even thinking I turned down the street towards the closest house out of those two. I just hope that he was home, because if he’s not, I don’t know what to do. Shaking my head a few times to at least see though my tears and memories I approached the house before stopping at the door. Just like the other week I suddenly couldn’t believe I was here – but I almost felt like I needed to be.

But this time I didn’t hesitate much and quickly knocked on the door loudly. As I waited hearing footsteps I wrapped my arms around myself like I was holding it together. Tears continued to fall freely from my face. I knew I looked horrible, just as much as I felt it.

When the door opened I looked up at Garrett’s shocked face and surprisingly even to myself I stepped straight into his arms, holding him close. He hesitated for a moment before wrapped his arms back around me, placing his face into my hair.

After a moment he pulled away enough to pull me into the house. Saying nothing I let him take me to what I guess was he’s bedroom. I didn’t take any care looking around much as we sat on the bed. Garrett simply pulled me into his lap, holding me gently around the waist with one arm. Softly he used his other hand to whip some tears off my face. I just stared at the wall.

“What happened?” He whispered gently.

I didn’t what to say so I settled with one word that could explain a lot for the time being.

“Memories.” I whisper voice cracking.

He whipped back more tears before letting me curl up against him still shaking. His hand slowly moved up and down my back as he tried to calm me down, for once I didn’t that much.

“It’s alright, you’re safe here.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. I was safe here but not from my memories.