Eventually, Something Has to Give

The feeling of so much lovely warmth wasn’t what I expected to wake up to after my first sleep in ages where I had no dreams, just complete darkness. Feeling so warm and comfy was almost strange to me and made me quickly realise that I was not home nor at Jared’s.

At the thought, panic ate at my stomach and I flickered my eyes open the best I could, though the lids were all but stuck together. At first everything was so blurry it made me feel dizzy. I blinked quickly and moved my gaze around the room until everything came to focus.

It was someone’s bedroom, I knew that. The walls were cream with pastel blue edging and skirting. From how I was laying I could see a desk covered in stuff, a wardrobe that looked like it was going to burst open to let clothes flood out, a range of music and zombie posters lining the walls and a range of guitars in the far corner. Other than the desk and wardrobe everything was clean and tidy.

Seeing as I had no idea where I was, normally I would want to scream and demand to know where the hell I was, but oddly I felt like I didn’t need to do that. This confused my still sleepy mind. Slowly I tried to sit up, but for some reason I couldn’t. I turned around the best I can on the bed, only to freeze in shock.

I was in Garrett’s room? Blinking a few times I tried to remember last night, and then it hit me. I had walked here after that “family talk” at home, but I don’t remember falling asleep, just crying sitting in his lap while he was holding me. I guess I cried myself to sleep...Well at least I knew where I was now and where that warmth was coming from.

Bitting my lip I moved so I was completely facing Garrett. He stirred a little making his grip around my waist tighten slightly before he sighed in his sleep. Really I should be scared shitless at where and how I was laying right now next to him with his arm around me...but I wasn’t really; just a slight bit awkward and embarrassed. I bet my face was red right now.

Sighing I closed my eyes again bitting the inside of my cheek. I can’t believe I walked to his house rather than Jared’s, let him hold me as I cry and now still laying here with him on his bed. I should be so frighten that I would be sneaking out the house.

Maybe...maybe my brothers were right...maybe I do trust Garrett after all. Even just a bit, but I’m amazed that I did. I haven’t open up to anyone new for so long, yet I have opened up a bit for him. He hasn’t “jumped over my fence” as I described for Tanner once – Garrett’s been climbing it and it was like he was sitting on the top of it, waiting to see if I’d trust him or not. He wasn’t forcing me to trust him by jumping off the fence; he was letting me decided if I wanted to.

Jared and Tanner keep saying I could trust him, which they both trust him enough that I could. I pretty much count Garrett as a friend, so I guess I can trust him...as scary as that sounds to me.

But how much can I trust him with? Can I trust him with my past other then the dreams? I know I trust him enough that he won’t judge me how I am now, because everyone knows that he doesn’t – it’s obvious. But what about my past? If he knew would he think of me differently? Would he shun me away or just be friends because he feels sorry for me?

I’ve said it before that I don’t want a friend because of that. I want a true friend, someone I can trust even the slightest bit and a person that I can hang around with. That’s seriously not hard to ask for right?

Or maybe it’s me; maybe I just can’t open up to anyone anymore to have a true friend as much as I would like to have one.

Sighing I opened my eyes frowning. Gently not to disturb Garrett I rolled over onto my back letting his arm now rest across my stomach. I didn’t bother moving it as I stared at the ceiling frowning still. I’m just so confused with everything going on, I just don’t know anything right now.

I’m worrying about the whole situation with dad and this trust with Garrett – that is both bring up the past more than normal making everything the more harder to deal with. I feel so lost again like I did the whole time I was being abuse and when I was getting back to “normal” life after it.

Why can’t anything for me be simple? Why can’t I burry the past the best I can and be over it the best I could? Or is this the best that I could?

“You know I don’t like waking up to you frowning like that.” I heard Garrett whispered sleepily.

I looked over at him rearranging my face so it was unreadable. He yawned before shuffling closer to me letting his eyes flutter shut again. He tightens his arm around me slightly snuggling into the mattress more.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered letting his warm breath fan across my cheek and neck.
“Just thinking.” I whispered back, shrugging a little.
“About yesterday?”
“Sort of, I guess.”

I don’t know why we were whispering but it felt like if we talked any louder we would disturb something. He sighed letting more warm air fan across my skin. Slowly he opened his sleepy eyes to look at me.

“Do...Do you want to talk about it?” He asked softly. “Because to be honest seeing you like that scared the fuck out of me.”
“Sorry.” I breathed looking away.
“Don’t apologise.” He said softly.

I bit down on my lip and looked back at him, but this time right in his eyes. I needed to know if I could trust him to tell him what happened yesterday and anything else. I needed to know I could trust him at all with anything. I needed proof other than a small invisible line strung between us right now. It’s so hard to explain what the thing I am looking for is and honestly I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for. Some sort of promise in his eyes?

“We had a ‘family talk’ yesterday before I came here.” I started looking away. “Dad came home and asked for everyone to sit in the living room; I didn’t want to but at the same time I wanted to know what the hell is going on in his head.”

I felt Garrett nod for me to continue.

“He wanted to say sorry for how he was acting, how for so many years he placed us second to work and for what he said to me that day. He...he said about how his ‘work mates’ were saying stuff about us, mostly me. I’ve never met them before let alone know their names and they’re saying bad things about me!” I felt him stiffen besides me but I didn’t stop. “Dad let what they said get into his head and because he knew nothing of what happened to me he started believing them...”
“You never told your dad what happened?” He asked moving to lean up on his arm to look down at me.
“No,” I shook my head. “He never was home, really I don’t even know him because of that...I-I don’t trust him.”

Garrett looked surprised at first but then understanding flashed across his face before he nodded. His arm that was draped over my waist moved and his hand wrapped itself around mine.

“That’s understandable, seeing he was never home. If my dad was like that I wouldn’t know or trust him either. It would be liked having a stranger living in your house.”
“It is.” I nodded. “After that talk mum asked to talk to him alone. I just needed to get away from the house; I couldn’t handle being there right then...It was bring too much back at once.”

He squeezed my hand softly before running his thumb over the top of my hand. For such a small movement it was slightly calming – for a split moment anyway.

“I-I can’t handle when that happens, when e-everything flashes like that all at once.” I said shakily.

Like last night I felt my eyes prick with tears but I blinked fast to hold them back. Garrett moved closer as he turned me on my side to hold me. Bitting my lip I ducked my head down squeezing my eyes shut. I could feel myself starting to shake slightly, from the fact I know I trust Garrett to tell him that and hold me or for something else I don’t know.

But I’m scared. So fucking scared.

“It’s alright now. You’re here.” He whispered in my ear. “Try and calm down, it will make you feel better.”
“I’m scared.” I breathed.

I could feel Garrett’s eyes burn into me then but I kept my eyes shut holding back any tears that could fall. I felt his free hand run though my hair gently.

“What are you scared of?” He asked unsure.

I took a shaky breath and decided to just say it.

“You.” I whispered.

I felt him go still. I wanted to look up at him to see his reaction but I couldn’t. I just can’t right now.

“Wha-why?” He spluttered confused. “Why are you scared of me?”
“I-I...t-trust you.” I barely whispered out. “I haven’t t-trusted anyone other than Tanner, Jared and mum for so long. I-I just...I’m so scared, I...I don’t...”
“Shhh, it’s alright.” He whispered pulling me right up against him holding me ever so softly. “I know it’s hard for you.”

Surprisingly I felt his lips graze against my forehead before he placed his head above mine.

“I know it’s hard for you.” He repeated. “But I’m happy- no ecstatic that you do, I really am; even if you only trust me a little bit. I want...I want to help you I guess.”
“Why would you want to help someone like me?” I muttered against his chest.
“I always have.” He whispered. “But I was always scared that I could hurt you trying to, because you’re just so fragile. But that day at the mall when you were sitting at the table alone scared from everyone around you, I just wanted to run over to you and pick you up to make you feel safe.”

Very slowly I opened my eyes and looked up at him. Just one look in his eyes I knew he was telling the truth. That care and happiness that was always in his eyes when he was around me was there and very strong right now.

“Jared told me he was going to head back to the table, but I said I would, I didn’t give him much of a choice because I walked away before he could say anything.” He chuckled lightly. “Then that day when I went shopping and you ran into me, when you said that guy was scaring you I wanted so badly for some reason to run after him and punch him in the face.” He chuckled.

I couldn’t help but smile slightly, because I have to admit that would have been great to see.

“But when I noticed how badly shaken up you were, I just wanted to make you feel better and get you home where you’d be alright. Later when Jared told me why you went into that shop, I decided to go back and get you a sketch book like you wanted.”

I smiled a bit more then, making him smiled back at me.

“I never knew what ever happened in your past and yes I am curious but still I want to make you feel safe and smile, does that sound weird?”
“No...Not really.” I whispered.

He smiled softly again running his hand back through my hair.

“If I was you I don’t think I’d be able to not let the curiosity take over.” I murmured.
“I keep thinking of the zombie movies I watch, when the people are too curious to know what is happening instead of running, they end up getting eaten.”

I bit down on my lip to stop myself from laughing then. He chuckled lightly. His obsession with zombies is just so weird. We calmed down and I chewed on my lip unsure. Can I tell him what happened roughly? Can I trust him? Does he deserve to know?

“If I told you something, can I trust you not to ever tell anyone?” I asked unsure.
“Yes, I never wanted to say this out loud, but you can trust me.” He said looking right into my eyes as if to prove it to me. “I won’t say anything – I promise.”

I swallowed hard and took a long shaky breath.

“If it too hard to say you don’t have to say it-“
“The reason why I’m a broken mess...” I whispered cutting him off. “Was because I was abused.”

Garrett’s eyes widen and his jaw dropped in complete shock. I looked away once again fighting off tears. I can’t believe I told him that, but at the same time I felt like so much weight was lifted off my chest. It almost made me feel light headed.

“By a group of guys that was mine and Tanner’s so called friends. I wasn’t the only person they targeted, but I was the worst as far as anyone knows.” I mumbled voice cracking.

I felt the first tear fall quickly followed by another. I just told him, I actually just told someone what happened that wasn’t related. I small whimper fell from my lips and before I could blink I was pulled flushed against Garrett with his arms wrapping around me tightly like if he was using his body to hold me together and protect me.

I snaked my arms around him and buried my head into his chest.

I just told Garrett what happened to me...and I trust him.