Eventually, Something Has to Give

The pencil moved swiftly across the page making all different types of lines and shades on the paper. Sketching was one of my most favourite things to do even if I was drawing the dullest of objects. Next to music it was the best escape from reality for me, well at least in most cases.

Normally when I draw I’m home and it’s quiet, but I’m at Jared’s and his friends are here. They’re not that loud but every now and then I could hear them laughing about something from the living room, either from something they were talking about or in a movie. I’m not really sure what they are doing because after ‘Sleepy Hollow’ finished I retreated to Jared’s room to draw.

I guess I can admit it didn’t hurt being in there watching the movie with them, but it didn’t stop the uneasiness from going away. For a while I almost wish I could let myself trust them just so that feeling wouldn’t eat away at my stomach till the movie ended, but I can’t. I just ...can’t do that.

I don’t...I don’t want to get hurt or used again.

I don’t think that those guys would do that to me, but then again I didn’t think that all those that I called “friends” back in high school would have done what they did. Person after person did things that hurt - mostly small like telling other people things about me that they promised not to say, which led to big things like spreading lies about me and full on bullying. I was taunted for almost everything in the end before we moved across states to here. And I was glad for the move because it helped what I had left of me after everything that happened.

I‘m still left with many scars and a lack of trust to everyone. But I’m very slowly trying to fix that, if it can be fixed. To be honest I don’t know if it can ever be fixed and the only reason why I kind of want it to be is for Jared and my mum to make them happy.

It seems that everything I do now is to make my family happy even if it upsets me. But how I see it, if I can’t be happy it doesn’t mean that they can’t.

Shaking my head from my thoughts I focused on my drawing and froze. What started being a drawing of a girl laying in the grass looking up at the clouds had turned into a girl with tears flowing from her eyes as she lay on the grass looking up at the nights sky. Damn I did it again; I let my mind wonder too much while drawing and drew yet another sad picture.

Sighing I closed the sketch pat and rested it on my lap placing my hands over it. Why must I draw sad memories all the time?

“Can I come in?”

Hearing a voice that wasn’t Jared I froze for a short second before snapping my head towards the door. The frightening uneasiness bubbled around my chest again and I swallowed the lump that formed down my throat.

“Yeah.” I almost choked out.

Mentally I groaned and cursed myself for being so scared for no reason as Garrett opened the door stepping slowly into the room like he was afraid he would scare mewhich he probably could. It wasn’t like he was going to eat me or something, I figure that would be more of a thing John would do because of how skinny he was. Garrett showed me a small smile and looked around the room, obviously looking for something.

“Jared said he had a box of DVD’s up here?” He said in a question pulling his eyebrows together.

I blinked and looked over at the striped box on Jared’s desk where he kept some movies. Far as I know that’s the only box he had of them.

“The striped box on his desk.” I said lowly pointing towards it.

Garrett nodded, thanked me and walked over picking up the box and something else Jared must have asked him to get. I watched as Garrett did that and walked back towards the door.

“Oh, we’re going to have icecream or some type of dessert soon if you wanted to come down and get something.”
“I might, thanks.”

Garrett smiled at me and shut the door gently. For about a minute I just stared at the door. Well nothing like that happens often. Shaking my head I looked back down at my sketch pad before taking a deep breath and placed it besides me on the bed. I slowly I crawled off the bed and walked towards the door opening it. Running my fingers through my hair I walked down the stairs and through the empty living room. From the noise they were all obviously in the kitchen.

Quietly I entered the room to see them all crowed around the table picking out food. Like usual I moved towards the bench, lent against it and waited for them to clear out a bit before grabbing myself something. I crossed my arms over my chest and sucked in my lower lip nibbling on it, it was a habit I had while waiting for something.

“Going to get anything Lara?” Jared asked looking over at me.
“Yeah I will, once the heard of boys move out the way.” I said jokingly.

Some of the guys laughed and Kennedy moved away with Jared gesturing for me to take the spots they had been standing in. I pushed myself away from the bench and looked at all the food that was there. Are they planning to feed the army dessert?

I grabbed a bowl and got some cream, jam and a huge slice of chocolate crumble before moving away and following Jared to the living room. I sat down on the couch next to him and started eating. It didn’t take the others long to do the same talking about the next band practice they had. I didn’t really pay much attention because I wanted to eat what I had while it was still ice cold; it taste the best then.

“So where is this band practice going to be?” Pat asked sitting down next to me.

Out of reaction I wanted to sit closer to Jared but I forced myself not to move because that would have been rude to Pat and he’s always been kind to me. So instead I focused more on my food and ignored what I felt.

“Here.” Jared piped up. “All the stuff is here already so it will save us moving it all.”
“That sounds fine with me.” John mumbled mouth full of food.
“Is it going to be tomorrow or next week?” Kennedy asked.
“Doesn’t bother me.” Jared shrugged.

Looking up at everyone I spooned in a mouth full of cream and jam.

“I can’t tomorrow I’m busy.” Pat mumbled. “Mum’s dragging me to this thing she’s going to but next week is fine.”
“Next week it is then.” John nodded.

After that everything went quiet and everyone just ate. I finished first and walked into the kitchen. I placed the bowl and spoon into the sink and rinsed it out so Jared or I - if I do the dishes for him - have less work to do.

Turning around I bumped into someone and took a step back as my face flushed.

“Sorry!” Garrett quickly mumbled steadying all the dishes in his hands. “I didn’t mean to bump into you again.”
“It’s-“I quickly swallowed the lump in my throat, I didn’t like being so close to him. “It’s alright.”

He smiled apologetically and stepped around me to do the same as what I just did. I turned and walked quickly out the room willing my face to cool down. I bet I looked like a complete idiot. Rolling my eyes I headed back to the stairs and made sure I had Jared’s attention before walking back up to his room so he knew where I was attempting to hide from the world again.

.+.+.

Staring at the sketch pad I wanted to throw it across the room or something because I drew yet another sad memory; but this time it was of a girl –me I guess- running down a road as fast as she could just wanting to get home where she was safe. Her clothes were rustled, dirty, a little torn and her dark hair was all over the entire place blowing in the wind.

Why I always drew these pictures and memories I have no idea. I just pick up a pen or pencil and there it happens like magic into the page. Though some were memories they weren’t seen from my eyes, but like from someone that was watching everything happen. It was weird...but that’s just how they turned out like.

Sometimes I wish they didn’t look like that though.

Hearing footsteps of more than one person from the other side of the door I flipped the pages over so it was on a small already finished drawing of a flower. Whoever was going to walk into the room didn’t need to see what I had actually been drawing. Seconds later the door opened and Jared walked in with Kennedy and Garrett.

I looked at them curious as to where the other two are, but once I looked at the time I realised they must have gone home already. Jared walked over to me and sat down on the bed by my feet, almost on them actually.

“Well you two have the choice of my floor or the couch because Larissa already bagged the guest room.” Jared smiled.
“Floor!” Both of them exclaimed.

Jared laughed and told them were the spare mattresses was in the house for them to get. Honestly it didn’t surprise me that one of Jared’s friends was staying over; one usually did on these nights. Jared turned to me and smiled.

“So what have to been doing up here?” He asked tilting his head to the side.
“Drawing.” I stated turning the pad around so he could see the flower.
“That’s looks awesome.” He grinned taking it for a closer look.

I smiled at what he said but I also mentally asked him not to turn the pages to look at anything else. It would upset him if he saw them now. I bit the inside of my cheek hard as he studied it. Not long after the other two walk back into the room with bedding and such dumping it on the ground.

“Guys look at this.” Jared said holding up the drawing.

I looked at Jared a little shocked and felt my face heat up. I didn’t show many people my drawings even ones like that and neither did Jared because he knew that. But yet here he is showing Kennedy and Garrett...

Bitting my lip hard I looked down at my lap to hide my red face. They won’t like it; it’s a crappy drawing of a simple flower.

“That’s awesome!” Kennedy gushed.

Shocked I looked up at the guys and Kennedy was now holding the pad in his hands with a soft smile on his face as Garrett looked around his arm at it. He’s lying...right?

“That’s really pretty.” Garrett added. “I didn’t know you could draw.”
“Uh, thank you.” I muttered.
“She always draws, next to painting it’s your favourite hobby right?” Jared asked.

I nodded and he smiled. Kennedy handed the pad out to me and I took it gently moving of off Jared’s bed. I took a quick second to trail my eyes over their faces to look for any lies to what Kennedy and Garrett had said. I saw nothing of the sort and that shocked me.

The two of them smiled at me and started making their beds. I took this chance to go to mine in case they wanted to talk or something. I headed towards the bedroom door and quickly turned facing everyone.

“Good night.”

I got ‘good nights’ and ‘sweet dreams’ said back to me as I left the room. Once I shut the room door I quickly walked to the guest room. They really meant what they said about my drawing. Still shocked I sat down on my bed blinking.

Those two are the first ones to say anything nice like that to me that wasn’t a lie and not from a family member in years.