Eventually, Something Has to Give

Black lines and many different grey tones stood out on the crisp white paper. Most of the drawings were done in pencil; some with colour, most with not. I remember every drawing and every single memory that created each picture. I even remember where I was when I was drawing them because they meant so much to me.

Just like before so much had changed in my life, most of the drawings were of back when I was in high school, living out the worst year of my life. A lot of drawings were of old memories and nightmares mixed in with some newer happier memories of not only family anymore, but friends.

It was like a diary, but with pictures I remade of my life.

I still don’t really show anyone what I draw; I don’t think I ever really will. It’s hard enough that people know and I think that it’s hard enough for them that they know what happened without seeing it in a frozen form. This is always something for me, to help me. The memories and dreams of what happened will always be there, so will the drawings. As long as they continue to help, I’ll keep drawing them, filling up pages of hurtful moments until they don’t hurt as much anymore.

Flicking back though the art pad that Garrett had gotten for me a few months ago now, I stared at every picture, at every detail. It was hard to believe that I had almost finished this book already and that there were only a few empty pages left. It doesn’t feel all that long ago since he had given me this, since so much had changed in such a short amount of time.

Thinking back on it, it still shocks me and makes me happy about myself how much things have really changed and for the better.

A year ago I was a quite girl that only really considered my brother and cousin as my friends. They were the only people I let in close other than my mum, probably closer than her actually. I spent a lot of my time alone even if people were in the house, I would always wonder off somewhere alone because I was afraid to be around many people. I wouldn’t even be in a room with the guys all that often until Jared talked me into watching a movie with them during one of his movie nights.

Even then I kept my distance; I still do now but not as much. They’re not just Jared’s friends any more but mine as well. It will always surprise me how much they considered me as their friend before I even thought of them being mine. Though I’m so shy and guarded, it didn’t bother them at all. I was their friend and that’s all they cared about – Just because I was different it didn’t mean they saw me as that.

It’s still amazing to me that I have friends again – people I could hang around comfortable with and have fun. I missed that and I never realised that I did so much. Trust is still a huge factor with me, but I think I can trust John, Pat and Kennedy. I never thought I would hear myself say that - Then again I never thought I would trust anyone so much again as I trust Garrett. When I actually sit down and think about it, it still scares me just as much as it amazes me. But I wouldn’t change that for anything to be completely honest.

I’m so happy things have turned out how they did.

I’ve changed so much from before with how guarded I was and how scared I was with a lot of things, but at the sometime it feels like I haven’t changed at all, just gone back to how I was before what they did to me.

I see it in everyone’s eyes everyday how happy and proud they are of me and I have to admit I’m the happiest I’ve been with myself in a long time. I’m still scared but now I have people to keep me safe and cheer me on. Something I didn’t have very much before. I’m beyond grateful for it.

It’s unbelievable, hard to wrap my head around but it’s happened, and I’m glad that it did. Not only that I’m happy, got my full family back and have friends, but I have my first real boyfriend and a guy that I really do like.

I think I’ve said this a few times now, but if someone told me a year ago that I would have a boyfriend and friends right now, I would have thought they were lying through their teeth. I wouldn’t have believed them in the slightest. It was unheard of for me back then; unimaginable.

No one has any idea how thankful I am of these guys and what they have done for me. No idea whatsoever.

Just as I got to the last few pages of sketches, a couple that didn’t happen to be finished yet, my bedroom door creaked before slowly opening wider. Glancing up, I watched as Tanner’s head poked in around the door frame as he made a quite knock on the door. He grinned at me sliding forward another step.

“The guys just pulled up.” He said around his smiled. “By the looks of it John has huge bag of junk food. You better get your ass down there quick if you want anything. Blink and the food will be gone.”
“I’ll be down in a minute, save some popcorn for me.” I smiled as I lifted up the book a little so he wouldn’t be able to see what was on the page.
“I’ll try...no promises that I won’t eat it though!” He called disappearing from the door way.

His footsteps could be heard thundering towards the stairs and I rolled my eyes playfully. Food never keeps around these guys and that’s something that I’m sure that will never change.

When I couldn’t hear his footsteps anymore on the top floor and the front door opening, I turned my attention back to the book. I flicked over the last pages quickly and gently closed the book on the last half done sketch of the little tiger Garrett had given to me. It still always sits on my bed, keeping my room safe. It was impossible for me not to draw it at some point.

I heard more noise coming from down stairs and mum calling that she’d be back home sometime later over all the racket. I think she’s heading over to dads to escape the full house. All the guys yelled back their goodbyes that echoed that loud I’m sure the neighbours heard. Hearing that I don’t really blame her for escaping when she could.

That’s also another thing that still shocks and confuses me; the whole situation with dad.

It’s just too weird to think over with how fast he did a one eighty turn. I guess he just finally figured out that family comes first and that really was all that he had. I still don’t trust him fully and maybe I never will...but if he keeps trying like he is, then I’ll continue to try. It’s all up to him and over the last couple of months he’s shown that he’s willing to. I just hope it stays that way, not only for me but mum and Tanner as well.

But to be honest I still don’t really like thinking about it too much, or what he said to me that day – what he called me. Mum wouldn’t let anything happen again like that, which I’m grateful for.

More noise filtered up from down stairs and I could swear I could hear the furniture being moved around somewhere. Not even ten seconds later there was a tribe call of ‘hello Lara!’ that filled the house.

I smiled at the bedroom door, though there was no one there and chuckled lightly.

“Hi guys!” I called back hoping that they would hear.

I stood up from where I was sitting on my bed and slid the art book underneath before headed over to my bedroom door that was still partly open.

Just as I reached the stairs, I noticed Garrett walking up them while looking over the railing saying something to Jared. When he glanced up and saw me, he stopped, a slow smile pulling at his lips. Smiling back I headed down the steps towards him.

“Hello lovely.”
“Hi love.”

Garrett’s smile turned into a full out grin that matched his eyes. I had only recently been saying that to him and every time I did, his face would light up so bright it made my heart flutter. It was almost like nothing made him happier other than to hear that come out of my mouth and be directed at him. It made me equally as happy when he beamed like that.

When I reached the step that he was standing on, I leant forward pressing my lips lightly to his. As per usual one of the other guys from somewhere in the house had to wolf whistle causing us to laugh and pull away quickly.

“Oh, leave them alone John!” Jared called. “Don’t ruin the love bird’s moment.”
“They’re twitter pated!” Tanner yelled from which I guess was the kitchen, if the cupboard doors clicking shut didn’t give it away.

Jared snorted a laugh and wondered off into the lounge room, but not before smiling at us first. Garrett looked at me confused raising an eyebrow.

“That is the last time I let you watch Bambi, Tan.” I called back laughing.

Tanner whined very loudly before the microwave could be heard beeping. Chucking, I went to step around Garrett but before I could move to the next step, he reached out placing his hands on my hips stopping me. I titled my head to the side confused.

“How are you today?” He smiled nudging me closer.
“Good, I started a drawing of that tiger this morning.” I grinned. “He’s been waiting on my bed for months now for a portrait.”

Garrett laughed moving his hands from my hips and slid a hand into mine. He tugged on my arm lightly as he led me down the stairs.

“That book has got to be almost full by now.” He stated glancing at me.
“It is, not sure how many pages are left.”
“Well, when it’s full, tell me and I’ll buy you a new one.” He smiled as we hit the last step.
“You don’t have to do that-“
“Yeah I do, you’ve drawn me a whole bunch of things now, and it’s only fair.” He cut me off.

I opened my mouth to disagree but he pulled on my hand to stop me from walking and quickly cut me off by a kiss. I could feel his free hand slide over my shoulder and trace one of the many scars I had through my tee shirt. That was only recent as well, I’m not exactly sure why he does that but it makes me feel better about the scars for some reason.

“No buts.” He whispered against my lips, letting his breath fan across my face.

I sighed but didn’t say anything back. There was no point. Garrett pulled away, eyes shining bright and tugged me into the lounge room. The pull out couch was out with all the pillows on the bed, beanbags were placed around on the floor and the coffee table was pushed more towards the TV to make room for the slide out bed. The table was also over filled in bowls of popcorn, chips and lollies.

Pat, Jared and John where already sprawled out around the room shuffling through DVDs, talking quietly. Pat jumped up to give me a small hug, which I happily returned as Garrett let my hand go to claim a spot on the bed.

Tanner then walked into the room carrying bottles of cool drink. Anyone would think we were having a party rather than a movie night looking at all of this. Then again this was pretty normal for us. I remember back when I was somewhat afraid of these nights, but now I look forward to them. They were the brightest moments of my week.

“Alright,” John sighed looking up from the DVDs when Pat sat back down. “Who wants to watch what? I don’t really care what I watch as long as it isn’t boring.”
“Bambi!” Tanner yelled.

He placed the bottles down on the ground besides the coffee table and looked at me with his eyes wide and pleading. If only he knew it didn’t work on me, not that I had the heart to ever tell him.

“Lion King is better.” I shrugged smirking at him as he pouted. “Though I rather watch The Nightmare before Christmas tonight.”
“I’m easy.” Jared said flopping down onto the couch.
“Nightmare before Christmas sounds good.” Pat nodded already searching for it in the huge stack of covers.

John glanced up at Kennedy and Garrett, tilting his head to the side.

“Sure, then we can watch Pirates of the Caribbean after.” Kennedy smiled.
“Then can we watch a zombie movie after that?” Garrett asked.

John just shrugged and grabbed the closest bowl of popcorn and handed it to Garrett. I glanced at Tanner to see him already in the bag of lollies. Before I could comment on that though, a hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me back onto the pull out bed. I landed on a bunch of pillows and gasped. Looking up I saw Garrett laughing lightly.

Rolling my eyes, I flicked his ear and scooted over as he made a noise of protest holding his ear. I smiled easily resting against the back of the couch; glancing at the bowl of popcorn I grabbed a handful.

“You’re mean.” Garrett muttered trying to hide his smile.
“Payback is cruel.” I nodded trying to sound serious.

I ended up laughing anyway and Garrett nudged my shoulder with his smiling, before quickly pecking my lips. Grinning, I rested back into the pillows and Garrett as John put the movie disk into the player. The room’s lights suddenly went out and not even a second later, Tanner leaped onto the end of the bed almost making the bowl of popcorn tip over. Tan grinned at us shyly and curled up on the edge.

It felt so normal for us to do this now; me, Garrett and Tanner lying on the bed, Jared and Pat taking up the couch as John and Kennedy sprawled out on the ground, while we watched movies until some stupid time in the morning eating out weight in junk food. It’s just something so simple and easy, but yet the most fun moment we could think of.

To think I used to be afraid of this, of my friends. It feels like a world away now because of how so much has changed and the new ties of trust that has formed.

Trust is still something that can make or break families, relationships and friends. It’s something that isn’t easy to get and can take only a single moment to tear apart from the simplest of things. Some people take it for granted while others take it by heart, either way it’s something that connects everyone and as long as everyone stays true, it can turn into such a powerful thing.

For the first time in years I can finally truly say that I trust everyone that is in this room...and that makes me beyond happy.

I guess it’s true when people say that at some point in time, something has to give.