Caroline Bethany
Dear Pen-Pal:
Dear Pen-Pal:
It’s August 30th. And Mrs. Sandoval told us—her class— that we need to get joined up with a random person in her classes, and form a pen-pal thing. I think it’s stupid. I mean, for god sake, she even made a stupid website for it. It’s not very original, if you ask me. Many have attempted this type of shit, and not many go through with it. Plus it’s only a daily grade.
But of course, it’s for a grade. And I figure it might not be such a bad idea, once I get the habit of it. It’s only for a semester anyway. A whole semester, it goes by without us even knowing it.
So, tell me about yourself. What’re your likes, and stuff? I wonder if you’re a girl. I think it’ll be pretty awkward if you were. Not saying I’m not much a smooth talker, I am. It’s just, well, I’ve never had a friend as a girl…well. Not like official. I treat all my friends the same; girl, or guy. Sorry.
Well, whatever. Get back to me. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if you hated this as much as I did. Maybe then we’ll have something in common after all. Ha-ha.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur.
Dear Pen-Pal:
Still haven’t got a word from you. It’s been two days. Doesn’t matter, really. Anyway, I have great things to tell you. Really, I don’t know why I would want to tell someone I don’t know about what I just saw. Maybe it’s the idea that I haven’t seen you, and such, that makes it so much better. Maybe we’ll meet in the halls, who knows? But for now, I would rather tell you this than anyone else.
Don’t think me a pussy, though. I’d hate for you to talk shit behind my back, and for me to find out. I won’t beat you up, but that’d be a bitch to find out.
Anyways, I was going to write this in a journal, but I’ve heard keeping a journal is for girls. Something for them to do when they don’t have a guy to talk to. I think it’s true. The other day, this girl spent all lunch period writing in a journal-thing; completely in the zone too. I swear, for anyone to write that much and not get tired later, must be ready to be some sort of author, or something.
Well, I’m getting off topic, aren’t I? Ok, yesterday, after school, I got out of choir practice. The teacher had just told us that we needed to work on our voices for next week’s recital. I told him to go shove it where it counts. I don’t think he heard me though. He’s a bit hard of hearing. Hah, sucks to be him, really. But still, as I was going to the front of the school, where I always go to wait for my mom. I saw a group of Seniors walking in a pack towards a tree near the front of the school. Of course, this tree was specially grown for the Seniors. I don’t care if I can’t be anywhere near it. I still do. Sometimes. Not all the time. Ok, never. But I try. As a Freshmen, I don’t think I have much say in what I can or can’t do in Wild Cats High School.
Well, as they were getting right and proper under the silhouette of the tree, I noticed someone I’ve never seen before. She may have been Senior, I couldn’t tell. She sure was pretty, though. All the girls around her were pretty; pretty horrendous! I mean, she was damn beautiful. I almost died right there and then. She had those round cheeks, soft and smooth, to look at. Light cyan eyes that seem to glimmer brighter under the sun. Man, oh, man. If I could just say hi to her, I’d be happy just dying right there.
I’ve been thinking about her all day, man. I’ve been thinking about her in my dreams. When I wake up. And when I try to not think of her, she pops inside of my head without warning. Ugh, I don’t have much to tell you anymore. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Whatever. I needed to get that off my chest before it became an issue. Hope you get back to me. I hate not having any feedback from you! Makes me feel like you are just ignoring me, and making fun of me.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur
Dear Pen-Pal:
Still no letter back from you. I’m starting to think that you might just be jesting me, reading for your own amusement. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this, for now. Because something amazing and terrible happened yesterday.
You remember the girl I was telling you about? Well, I found out what her name was today. Caroline Bethany. Such a beautiful name, really. I’ve been seeing her more and more since that last time in early September. Oh, I forgot to tell you what day it is today. Too much excitement at one time, it made me forget completely. Ha-ha. It’s near the end of September. Many people have been looking forward to Halloween and Thanksgiving already. It feels too far for me to even think about it. I hate when people do that, though. Tell you they are excited for a stupid holiday that’s a whole month away, or something! I mean, enjoy the day today! Not some dumb holiday that’s barely a week away.
Anyway, I really hope she dresses in some cute outfit for Halloween. Actually praying for that more than hoping. Hope that doesn’t come off too creepy.
But if you’d see this girl, you’d understand, man. Really, you would. She’s beyond beautiful. She’s extremely smart, and a delight to talk to. So, I’ve heard. Even the way she sort-of-kind-of looks at me. It’s times like those that make me feel happy for being in school every morning. Waking up, dragging through the morning classes (because I don’t see her ‘till past 12pm), and go head-over-heels for her! Damn it…I wish I could just make her see me. Just one time. To know that there are nice guys. Nice guys that will give her all the love she wants! All the love she needs! Oh, my god. Sometimes, when she comes out of her 7th period, I’m coming out of lunch at that time, she has her hands in her face, going through crowds of people, trying to banish every inch of sadness from her face, to hold herself from crying. And I, someone inferior to her beauty, her grace, her loveliness, want to hold her in my arms, tell her to cry, just cry. UGH!
I can’t talk anymore. I can hardly think anymore. She has my head in a loop, and I hate her for it…Hate her for it…
What am I kidding? I love her. Just love her, bro. And I want her to be mine. All mine.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur
Dear Pen-Pal:
The nights seem to blend in with the days. I can’t get any kind of sleep. And aside from that, you have not even emailed me back! What the hell, dude? Why have you not taken 5 minutes off your life to email me? Huh? Are you too important for this? Whatever. Honestly, I don’t care if you never do. You’re the one failing, not me!
I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to shout. I just, it’s just - all of this just seems to be getting to me. I noticed that Caroline had Mrs. Sandoval’s class for 10th period. I’m surprised she even has classes that late. Most Seniors have them off; for work, and such. I have to admit though, I find that pretty darn attractive. Among other parts of her. Ugh, I said, ‘parts’. I meant to say, little things about her that make her…so…unique. She just seems to brighten my day, and worsen my day all at the same time.
Little things she does. Like when she eats in lunch. She takes her time, not rushing it at all, and uses the fork and knife in a beautiful display; you’d think she was trained by the queen of England, for god sakes. Or when she walks with her friends. She’s always wearing this high heel shoes that seem almost inappropriate to bring to school, but she makes them seem so right. She wears them with grace and elegance. So balanced and athletic help her on that, I’m sure. Even the times when she comes to school with barely any sort of make up on, just leaves me speechless. Her natural blush just seemed to radiate off her like the sun. For a moment, I had to squint my eyes just to look at her. Preferably, I like her better without all that expensive make up. Save herself some cash on the side. Hell, if I had the money to do whatever with, I’d take her to places she’d only dream of.
Did I tell you what happened on Halloween? For Halloween, this year, she wore see-through tights. The shape of her round ass just supported those tights with so much - beauty, precise outline. She came as a Nightmare in Elm Street: Nurse. Seemed to be the hip thing to be since the new movie just came out. Several other girls came in similar outfits from the movie. Some dressed as Naughty Officers. Appealing, really. But nothing compared to Caroline’s outfit. She just took the cake and the entire show with it.
I even tried talking to her on Halloween. I assume you’d probably want to hear this.
Ok, so, it started when her 5th period, at Pre-Calculus, ended. The crowd filled the entire narrow hall in a single second. It felt like a jungle, and all I wanted to do was see Caroline before my 6th period started. My most hated class, if you ask me. Algebra I. I don’t understand how anyone would love math, let alone take it pass High School. If anything, my teachers in the past made me hate math. All of them were like, “this is wrong. Try again. You are doing it wrong. Try again.” I got to a point where I just didn’t care anymore.
Well, after searching for 3 out of the 6 between-class time we have, I found Caroline. She was in the middle of 5 football players. Two of them knew me, personally. They teased me and poked fun at me for no reason. Something about, “Oh this kid just sits and writes all day. What a loser! What a loser!”
Those two dumb shits can’t even outdo basic counting skills, let alone put good insults on someone with an I.Q. 100 times their own. But I digress, she was there. I was going to the restroom, like I always do when I find her. Hide. Well, I didn’t expect her to stay longer than she normally did. She usually left to class 45 seconds before the warning bell, and it was already 30 seconds in before the warning bell.
Long story short, we bumped into each other as I came out, thinking she had left. She fell, I fell; it was a mess. The two football players had me at my feet before I even knew what happened. Up against the wall before she even got up. It was horrible. There I was, the guy that loved this girl - the most beautiful, loving, out-of-this-world girl - and she saw me as this sorry excuse for a man. I swear, the effort it took for this two football players to pick me up took less effort than it took for them to look even more stupider than they normally did.
But she surprised me. She really did. She did something I did not expect. She pulled them off of me, and started to go all out on them. The tiny veins on the side of her head grew deeper, and larger; it scared me to even see her so violent. The two idiots sort of just stood back, never leaving my frighten gaze as they did. And she just looked at me, with those sweet, baby blue eyes - that I swear God must have regretted giving to someone so beautiful. Someone this beautiful had to be illegal in some state. Not this state, obviously. Because here she was! Brushing my shoulder, and even talking to me! Talking to me!
“Are you alright?” She asked me, in the most sweetest tone. I didn’t say anything. I just stood there. At one point, I even think I nodded to her question. I think I did. I must have. She giggled at it, and even winked at me! Oh, MY GAWD! She winked at me, and I did nothing but stand there like a spineless idiot!
I swear, if this semester ends with her going off into some fancy school. Because I heard she might after December. I might just kill myself. Not literally, dude. Just hypothetically speaking. But if I could, would I? Hell yeah. With her name on the bullet, baby.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur
Dear Never-Get-Back-To-Me:
I’ve found out the worst news, ever. EVER. Caroline is going to another school. Apparently, she went through an entire Senior year of classes in one semester. I’d be happy and proud of her, if she hadn’t just try to break me into a million pieces. I mean, I just spent 4 days of Thanksgiving with my parents. Going through presents that my grandparents seem to think will keep us in touch. And even go through an entire dinner of just talking about how much my brother and I have grown and been getting so strong. Strong my ass. Of course, I couldn’t think. Not for one minute.
I couldn’t get her out of my head, dude. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even try to if I tried. Every little thing made me think of her. Every time I sat alone outside, during a family argument, I’d think about small times that I saw her for more than a whole minute. The times she’d drink water from the fountain, and make it seem so dazzling. I even started crying when she came back one day, after missing yesterday, and told every one of her friends that her dog died. Some of them gave her the sympathy hug, and shit. But I cried for her. I didn’t even know the little dog. I hate dogs. Yet I could not stop thinking about how hurt, and messed up she must have felt.
But in a way, she did the same to me, now. She hurt me without even knowing it. She turned me inside out, and made me so weak.
After Thanksgiving, my teachers all told me that I had to try very hard if I expected to pass this semester. Apparently, I was failing with a grade below 60. Nothing new to me. I knew my grades without them having to tell me. I knew I was failing, and I had a plan to get back on top. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it had to work somehow. But that plan will have to be put on halt until I figure out what I am going to do once Caroline leaves.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m obsessing. I’m going ape-shit bananas for a girl I don’t even. Well, I’m glad I am. If you were who the hell I was talking about, if you knew anything about how this girl made me feel, then the name Caroline Bethany would make you wet in the mouth just saying it.
But I get how this is. I get how the world treats love, and the people who are foolish enough to fall into it. I never had a chance in Hell with a girl like that. She’s a Senior and I’m just a Freshman. A Senior and a Freshman. Never in the books of High School history has that ever been accounted as the best-romantic-go-crazy relationship. A Senior dates Seniors, or highly older guys that make their statues gold. Freshmen, we try to just hide and cower behind school books used by higher classmen and try to survive until we get close to their age and can have the same kind of control over the new freshmen. Those are the rules, I didn’t make them. And I Hell was not going to change them anytime soon.
Caroline Bethany never saw me…never thought of me. But if I had the chance, one chance, to tell her, before Christmas ended, I’d tell her and then some. I’d tell her how much she meant to me in just one semester. I’d tell her that love is not just a fucked up emotion. I loved her. I loved her, and I loved her. I loved her on the weekdays. I loved her on the weekends. I loved her when I saw T.V. I loved her when she laughed. I loved her when she walked down the hall, and would sometimes remember me.
Caroline Bethany, I loved you…and you never got a chance to see that. The disposition of my love had no bounds to this girl. It went beyond and above all just to see her. And I’m glad I spent an entire semester seeing that love grow. It was the best mistake I’ve ever done in my life.
I know this school year is just two weeks away from ending. Christmas is just around the corner. We hardly had a chance to talk, even. But I’m glad you never told anyone about Caroline Bethany secret admirer. I’m glad you listened, and never tried to call me crazy. Merry Christmas, bro. And I hope next year we get to talk for once. Maybe even bump into one another in-between classes.
Sincerely, your friend,
Xavier MacArthur
*****
Dear Xavier:
I’m sorry I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you. My email for the site Mrs. Sandoval gave me had been invalid and incorrect. I tried to tell her that I really wanted to do this. But she assured me that it was something she put her Freshman to do for a daily grade. A mere project she found that might help younger writers try and put thought into writing.
Well, I spoke to the Librarian, and asked her if she could help me with my email. She did - but told me it’ll take more than several weeks. After 5 weeks of waiting, I gave up, Xavier. I’m sorry.
I’ve been reading what you’ve written for the past few weeks. I have to say, you’re an amazing guy. I mean it. If any girl had the chance to be with you, they’d be one lucky guy. You did seem too obsessive, but it was sweet. It seemed to really brighten my day reading it; I read it all during lunch and a little after 7th & 8th period.
You’re really something, Xavier. And all this passion you had for this girl really made you seem just as amazing. You know, I know her. She’s a good friend of mine. You know, if she read the things you wrote, I’m sure she’ll deeply love you for it. Maybe even give you a kiss. <3
I don’t know. But hey, let’s not beat around the bush, you can tell her yourself.
Love always,
Caroline Bethany
P.S.
My college offer came back last week. Seems they didn’t have room for me next semester. I’m going to be here for a second semester. Maybe we can catch up on the rainy days we couldn’t. You know my email, I’m sure. : )
It’s August 30th. And Mrs. Sandoval told us—her class— that we need to get joined up with a random person in her classes, and form a pen-pal thing. I think it’s stupid. I mean, for god sake, she even made a stupid website for it. It’s not very original, if you ask me. Many have attempted this type of shit, and not many go through with it. Plus it’s only a daily grade.
But of course, it’s for a grade. And I figure it might not be such a bad idea, once I get the habit of it. It’s only for a semester anyway. A whole semester, it goes by without us even knowing it.
So, tell me about yourself. What’re your likes, and stuff? I wonder if you’re a girl. I think it’ll be pretty awkward if you were. Not saying I’m not much a smooth talker, I am. It’s just, well, I’ve never had a friend as a girl…well. Not like official. I treat all my friends the same; girl, or guy. Sorry.
Well, whatever. Get back to me. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if you hated this as much as I did. Maybe then we’ll have something in common after all. Ha-ha.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur.
Dear Pen-Pal:
Still haven’t got a word from you. It’s been two days. Doesn’t matter, really. Anyway, I have great things to tell you. Really, I don’t know why I would want to tell someone I don’t know about what I just saw. Maybe it’s the idea that I haven’t seen you, and such, that makes it so much better. Maybe we’ll meet in the halls, who knows? But for now, I would rather tell you this than anyone else.
Don’t think me a pussy, though. I’d hate for you to talk shit behind my back, and for me to find out. I won’t beat you up, but that’d be a bitch to find out.
Anyways, I was going to write this in a journal, but I’ve heard keeping a journal is for girls. Something for them to do when they don’t have a guy to talk to. I think it’s true. The other day, this girl spent all lunch period writing in a journal-thing; completely in the zone too. I swear, for anyone to write that much and not get tired later, must be ready to be some sort of author, or something.
Well, I’m getting off topic, aren’t I? Ok, yesterday, after school, I got out of choir practice. The teacher had just told us that we needed to work on our voices for next week’s recital. I told him to go shove it where it counts. I don’t think he heard me though. He’s a bit hard of hearing. Hah, sucks to be him, really. But still, as I was going to the front of the school, where I always go to wait for my mom. I saw a group of Seniors walking in a pack towards a tree near the front of the school. Of course, this tree was specially grown for the Seniors. I don’t care if I can’t be anywhere near it. I still do. Sometimes. Not all the time. Ok, never. But I try. As a Freshmen, I don’t think I have much say in what I can or can’t do in Wild Cats High School.
Well, as they were getting right and proper under the silhouette of the tree, I noticed someone I’ve never seen before. She may have been Senior, I couldn’t tell. She sure was pretty, though. All the girls around her were pretty; pretty horrendous! I mean, she was damn beautiful. I almost died right there and then. She had those round cheeks, soft and smooth, to look at. Light cyan eyes that seem to glimmer brighter under the sun. Man, oh, man. If I could just say hi to her, I’d be happy just dying right there.
I’ve been thinking about her all day, man. I’ve been thinking about her in my dreams. When I wake up. And when I try to not think of her, she pops inside of my head without warning. Ugh, I don’t have much to tell you anymore. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Whatever. I needed to get that off my chest before it became an issue. Hope you get back to me. I hate not having any feedback from you! Makes me feel like you are just ignoring me, and making fun of me.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur
Dear Pen-Pal:
Still no letter back from you. I’m starting to think that you might just be jesting me, reading for your own amusement. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this, for now. Because something amazing and terrible happened yesterday.
You remember the girl I was telling you about? Well, I found out what her name was today. Caroline Bethany. Such a beautiful name, really. I’ve been seeing her more and more since that last time in early September. Oh, I forgot to tell you what day it is today. Too much excitement at one time, it made me forget completely. Ha-ha. It’s near the end of September. Many people have been looking forward to Halloween and Thanksgiving already. It feels too far for me to even think about it. I hate when people do that, though. Tell you they are excited for a stupid holiday that’s a whole month away, or something! I mean, enjoy the day today! Not some dumb holiday that’s barely a week away.
Anyway, I really hope she dresses in some cute outfit for Halloween. Actually praying for that more than hoping. Hope that doesn’t come off too creepy.
But if you’d see this girl, you’d understand, man. Really, you would. She’s beyond beautiful. She’s extremely smart, and a delight to talk to. So, I’ve heard. Even the way she sort-of-kind-of looks at me. It’s times like those that make me feel happy for being in school every morning. Waking up, dragging through the morning classes (because I don’t see her ‘till past 12pm), and go head-over-heels for her! Damn it…I wish I could just make her see me. Just one time. To know that there are nice guys. Nice guys that will give her all the love she wants! All the love she needs! Oh, my god. Sometimes, when she comes out of her 7th period, I’m coming out of lunch at that time, she has her hands in her face, going through crowds of people, trying to banish every inch of sadness from her face, to hold herself from crying. And I, someone inferior to her beauty, her grace, her loveliness, want to hold her in my arms, tell her to cry, just cry. UGH!
I can’t talk anymore. I can hardly think anymore. She has my head in a loop, and I hate her for it…Hate her for it…
What am I kidding? I love her. Just love her, bro. And I want her to be mine. All mine.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur
Dear Pen-Pal:
The nights seem to blend in with the days. I can’t get any kind of sleep. And aside from that, you have not even emailed me back! What the hell, dude? Why have you not taken 5 minutes off your life to email me? Huh? Are you too important for this? Whatever. Honestly, I don’t care if you never do. You’re the one failing, not me!
I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to shout. I just, it’s just - all of this just seems to be getting to me. I noticed that Caroline had Mrs. Sandoval’s class for 10th period. I’m surprised she even has classes that late. Most Seniors have them off; for work, and such. I have to admit though, I find that pretty darn attractive. Among other parts of her. Ugh, I said, ‘parts’. I meant to say, little things about her that make her…so…unique. She just seems to brighten my day, and worsen my day all at the same time.
Little things she does. Like when she eats in lunch. She takes her time, not rushing it at all, and uses the fork and knife in a beautiful display; you’d think she was trained by the queen of England, for god sakes. Or when she walks with her friends. She’s always wearing this high heel shoes that seem almost inappropriate to bring to school, but she makes them seem so right. She wears them with grace and elegance. So balanced and athletic help her on that, I’m sure. Even the times when she comes to school with barely any sort of make up on, just leaves me speechless. Her natural blush just seemed to radiate off her like the sun. For a moment, I had to squint my eyes just to look at her. Preferably, I like her better without all that expensive make up. Save herself some cash on the side. Hell, if I had the money to do whatever with, I’d take her to places she’d only dream of.
Did I tell you what happened on Halloween? For Halloween, this year, she wore see-through tights. The shape of her round ass just supported those tights with so much - beauty, precise outline. She came as a Nightmare in Elm Street: Nurse. Seemed to be the hip thing to be since the new movie just came out. Several other girls came in similar outfits from the movie. Some dressed as Naughty Officers. Appealing, really. But nothing compared to Caroline’s outfit. She just took the cake and the entire show with it.
I even tried talking to her on Halloween. I assume you’d probably want to hear this.
Ok, so, it started when her 5th period, at Pre-Calculus, ended. The crowd filled the entire narrow hall in a single second. It felt like a jungle, and all I wanted to do was see Caroline before my 6th period started. My most hated class, if you ask me. Algebra I. I don’t understand how anyone would love math, let alone take it pass High School. If anything, my teachers in the past made me hate math. All of them were like, “this is wrong. Try again. You are doing it wrong. Try again.” I got to a point where I just didn’t care anymore.
Well, after searching for 3 out of the 6 between-class time we have, I found Caroline. She was in the middle of 5 football players. Two of them knew me, personally. They teased me and poked fun at me for no reason. Something about, “Oh this kid just sits and writes all day. What a loser! What a loser!”
Those two dumb shits can’t even outdo basic counting skills, let alone put good insults on someone with an I.Q. 100 times their own. But I digress, she was there. I was going to the restroom, like I always do when I find her. Hide. Well, I didn’t expect her to stay longer than she normally did. She usually left to class 45 seconds before the warning bell, and it was already 30 seconds in before the warning bell.
Long story short, we bumped into each other as I came out, thinking she had left. She fell, I fell; it was a mess. The two football players had me at my feet before I even knew what happened. Up against the wall before she even got up. It was horrible. There I was, the guy that loved this girl - the most beautiful, loving, out-of-this-world girl - and she saw me as this sorry excuse for a man. I swear, the effort it took for this two football players to pick me up took less effort than it took for them to look even more stupider than they normally did.
But she surprised me. She really did. She did something I did not expect. She pulled them off of me, and started to go all out on them. The tiny veins on the side of her head grew deeper, and larger; it scared me to even see her so violent. The two idiots sort of just stood back, never leaving my frighten gaze as they did. And she just looked at me, with those sweet, baby blue eyes - that I swear God must have regretted giving to someone so beautiful. Someone this beautiful had to be illegal in some state. Not this state, obviously. Because here she was! Brushing my shoulder, and even talking to me! Talking to me!
“Are you alright?” She asked me, in the most sweetest tone. I didn’t say anything. I just stood there. At one point, I even think I nodded to her question. I think I did. I must have. She giggled at it, and even winked at me! Oh, MY GAWD! She winked at me, and I did nothing but stand there like a spineless idiot!
I swear, if this semester ends with her going off into some fancy school. Because I heard she might after December. I might just kill myself. Not literally, dude. Just hypothetically speaking. But if I could, would I? Hell yeah. With her name on the bullet, baby.
Sincerely,
Xavier MacArthur
Dear Never-Get-Back-To-Me:
I’ve found out the worst news, ever. EVER. Caroline is going to another school. Apparently, she went through an entire Senior year of classes in one semester. I’d be happy and proud of her, if she hadn’t just try to break me into a million pieces. I mean, I just spent 4 days of Thanksgiving with my parents. Going through presents that my grandparents seem to think will keep us in touch. And even go through an entire dinner of just talking about how much my brother and I have grown and been getting so strong. Strong my ass. Of course, I couldn’t think. Not for one minute.
I couldn’t get her out of my head, dude. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even try to if I tried. Every little thing made me think of her. Every time I sat alone outside, during a family argument, I’d think about small times that I saw her for more than a whole minute. The times she’d drink water from the fountain, and make it seem so dazzling. I even started crying when she came back one day, after missing yesterday, and told every one of her friends that her dog died. Some of them gave her the sympathy hug, and shit. But I cried for her. I didn’t even know the little dog. I hate dogs. Yet I could not stop thinking about how hurt, and messed up she must have felt.
But in a way, she did the same to me, now. She hurt me without even knowing it. She turned me inside out, and made me so weak.
After Thanksgiving, my teachers all told me that I had to try very hard if I expected to pass this semester. Apparently, I was failing with a grade below 60. Nothing new to me. I knew my grades without them having to tell me. I knew I was failing, and I had a plan to get back on top. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it had to work somehow. But that plan will have to be put on halt until I figure out what I am going to do once Caroline leaves.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m obsessing. I’m going ape-shit bananas for a girl I don’t even. Well, I’m glad I am. If you were who the hell I was talking about, if you knew anything about how this girl made me feel, then the name Caroline Bethany would make you wet in the mouth just saying it.
But I get how this is. I get how the world treats love, and the people who are foolish enough to fall into it. I never had a chance in Hell with a girl like that. She’s a Senior and I’m just a Freshman. A Senior and a Freshman. Never in the books of High School history has that ever been accounted as the best-romantic-go-crazy relationship. A Senior dates Seniors, or highly older guys that make their statues gold. Freshmen, we try to just hide and cower behind school books used by higher classmen and try to survive until we get close to their age and can have the same kind of control over the new freshmen. Those are the rules, I didn’t make them. And I Hell was not going to change them anytime soon.
Caroline Bethany never saw me…never thought of me. But if I had the chance, one chance, to tell her, before Christmas ended, I’d tell her and then some. I’d tell her how much she meant to me in just one semester. I’d tell her that love is not just a fucked up emotion. I loved her. I loved her, and I loved her. I loved her on the weekdays. I loved her on the weekends. I loved her when I saw T.V. I loved her when she laughed. I loved her when she walked down the hall, and would sometimes remember me.
Caroline Bethany, I loved you…and you never got a chance to see that. The disposition of my love had no bounds to this girl. It went beyond and above all just to see her. And I’m glad I spent an entire semester seeing that love grow. It was the best mistake I’ve ever done in my life.
I know this school year is just two weeks away from ending. Christmas is just around the corner. We hardly had a chance to talk, even. But I’m glad you never told anyone about Caroline Bethany secret admirer. I’m glad you listened, and never tried to call me crazy. Merry Christmas, bro. And I hope next year we get to talk for once. Maybe even bump into one another in-between classes.
Sincerely, your friend,
Xavier MacArthur
*****
Dear Xavier:
I’m sorry I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you. My email for the site Mrs. Sandoval gave me had been invalid and incorrect. I tried to tell her that I really wanted to do this. But she assured me that it was something she put her Freshman to do for a daily grade. A mere project she found that might help younger writers try and put thought into writing.
Well, I spoke to the Librarian, and asked her if she could help me with my email. She did - but told me it’ll take more than several weeks. After 5 weeks of waiting, I gave up, Xavier. I’m sorry.
I’ve been reading what you’ve written for the past few weeks. I have to say, you’re an amazing guy. I mean it. If any girl had the chance to be with you, they’d be one lucky guy. You did seem too obsessive, but it was sweet. It seemed to really brighten my day reading it; I read it all during lunch and a little after 7th & 8th period.
You’re really something, Xavier. And all this passion you had for this girl really made you seem just as amazing. You know, I know her. She’s a good friend of mine. You know, if she read the things you wrote, I’m sure she’ll deeply love you for it. Maybe even give you a kiss. <3
I don’t know. But hey, let’s not beat around the bush, you can tell her yourself.
Love always,
Caroline Bethany
P.S.
My college offer came back last week. Seems they didn’t have room for me next semester. I’m going to be here for a second semester. Maybe we can catch up on the rainy days we couldn’t. You know my email, I’m sure. : )
♠ ♠ ♠
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