Almost Easy

There is a small possibility that I might be going insane.

And admitting this is a huge deal for me so go easy on me, okay? At first I brushed off the crazy ideas that every now and then popped up in my head, blaming it on the alcohol and the drugs. But that is a coward thing to do. Isn’t that what always happens in movies? The guy goes out to drink with his friends, does something stupid and later blames it on being under the influence of alcohol. The girl never takes him back. Because like they say; there’s no such thing as accidental infidelity. And after all, drunken mind speaks sober thoughts.

Before you get ahead of yourself I’m going to tell you this; I was never a cheater! I had my flaws; I’m not going to deny that. But I was never unfaithful to her. No, I had my eyes for her, and her only. Still that wasn’t enough; I was not enough for her. Or was it that I was too much? I don’t know. She never told me, she just left, without an explanation or anything. I think that was the worst thing about it all. If she could have just talked to me, things would have been different and I wouldn’t still be so hung up on her, I keep telling myself.

After all it’s been a year since it happened. I’d like to just refer to it as that, and not to think that she dumped me, (which is what actually happened). But no I would never say that. Cause M. Shadows does not get dumped. He dumps; and decides when a relationship is over, not the girl. I’m famous for god’s sake; I’m supposed to get every girl I want. Then why the fuck can’t I get the one that’s always on my mind?

Instead of feeling hurt, like a normal person would after getting dumped on their asses, I turned my anger towards her instead. It was all I could do, really. I wasn’t hurt, okay? M. Shadows doesn’t get hurt by I girl, I’ll tell you. No way.

But as I now walk up the path to Brian’s house, where we decided to hang today, my whole body freezes as I open the front door and see who is standing in the hallway. A year of not seeing her face and now all emotions just come crashing down on me.

Andrea Howard, that was her name. Or well still is, but I like to think of her as just in my past, which means she doesn’t exists to me anymore. She could be dead for all I care. But I will never forget the first day I met her. Could it be about eight or nine years ago now. Wow.

It was after a gig we had, we were still just a local band back then and just about to make our first record. I still remember that smile she sent me. God, she had the perfect smile. “You’re in the band, right?” That was the first thing she said to me when we met backstage after the show.

“Yes I am. I’m the singer, Matt.” I smirked and reached my hand out for her to shake.

“I’m Andrea, but you can call me Drea.” She smiled and shook my hand.

“So, you enjoyed the show?”

“Oh, yeah! You guys were great.” She exclaimed excitedly with a huge grin on her face.

I chuckled lightly, loving the attention. “Thanks.”

“You have a record or something I could buy?” She smiled innocently while twisting her fingers in her hair. Wow, that drove me crazy. She had long brown hair that was falling down her shoulders. My eyes continued trailing down her body. She had a tight fitting red tee that said ‘punk’s not dead’ in big black letters. Her long legs were clothed with a pair of black skinny jeans.

I licked my lips, my mind already in the gutter. “Actually,” I cleared my throat. “We’re just about to head into the studio and make our first record.” I bragged, feeling proud of what we had accomplished so far.

“Oh,” She pouted looking sad.

“But I do got some demos you could get.” I was quick to add not wanting to disappoint her.

“Oh, yeah?” Her eyes shone up in excitement, and I just loved that look on her face.

“Yeah, I’ve got them at my place so if you wanna come…” I suggested, my question having a double meaning. I already had a lot of things in mind that I wanted to do to her and I couldn’t get her home fast enough.

But I think she got the message after all she didn’t go home until the day after and only then because she had to go to work. I was so happy that I had met her. And there was really no surprise that that wasn’t the last time we saw each other.

But I was young, I was stupid and naïve. I should have seen the signs. She was just a fan after all. She wasn’t really looking for a relationship, just some fun time with the guy in the band. And I was too blown away by her beauty and her adorable ways to see through the act she put on.

And as they say, if you sleep on the first date, (if what we did even would consider as a date) the relationship is bound to go to hell. Still after a few months of dating we moved in together. At the beginning we were happy. Even when the band got more famous and we were on the road a lot more, things still worked out.

But as the years went by things changed. We changed. I think we both knew that that was going to happen but we never cared. We wanted to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. But after a while it was too much for me. They say that the celebrity and the rock star lifestyle got to my head. I started drinking more and do more drugs and I found it harder and harder to stay faithful to Andrea while on the road.

And that was about the time that they showed up. Bloo and Booster, they call themselves. Bloo only walks in sideways, but that’s beside the point. I’m not sure exactly when they came into the picture but it was some time when we were on tour. At first, they only visited when I was heavily intoxicated or doing some new drugs. But then they started coming around more frequently.

In the beginning I thought they were fun, and didn’t give much thought as to why they were there. I mean is it really normal to have two little creatures living inside your head?

When the tour ended and I got back home, sobered up a little and met Drea again. That was when things started getting worse. Before they had just commented on things happening in my life, making a little bit of fun of me and such but when I got home they started invading my mind a lot more. There weren’t just comments anymore but they controlled my thoughts and even my acting if I wasn’t cautious enough.

Bloo was obsessed with Andrea. He was so head over heals for her, it sickened me. He wouldn’t let me let her out of my sight for five minutes. He wanted me to make love to her every night. He wanted me to help her when things were difficult in her life. He wanted me to be there for her for the rest of my life. He even wanted me to propose to her.

Now, lucky me I didn’t. She probably would have said no anyway. But it was hard to resist his wishes. I loved Drea, I really did, and having Bloo in my head who gushed about her every damn second of every day only increased my love for her.

Booster on the other hand, loved the touring. The booze, the drugs, the partying and of course the women. He was the one who kept telling me my relationship with Drea was fake. He was the one who made me sceptic, to doubt my love. He kept saying how she wasn’t faithful to me when I was gone so why I did I have to stay faithful to her?

Now having these two in you head made you really want to shoot something. They were different like night and day. And having to listen to them fighting all the goddamn time was slowly making me loose my mind. Hell, I felt like an outsider in my own fucking head. I was always split in two; one part of me loved Andrea with all my heart and one despised her.

When Booster got the best of me, I had to get my frustration out somehow and Andrea was closest. We started fighting more and more because she was the only one I could really take my aggression out on; she was after all the one haunting my mind.

Now, saying it was her fault I got crazy, no I don’t like that word, insane is better, it’s got a nicer ring to it. Blaming it on Andrea may be going to extremes. One the other hand; Bloo and Booster didn’t show up until she came into my life.

She doesn’t say anything when I come in the door. She just stands there still and watches me. I’m too chocked to come up with something descent to say. I mean, what the hell do you say to your ex who you haven’t seen in a year. I take a thorough look at her. She hasn’t changed at all since I last saw her. I gulp when I see the big ring on her left finger. She’s engaged now? She moved on already? What the fuck, that was what we were suppose to have.

I tried to think back to where things got so wrong. I heard her coming home late one night. It was over four in the morning but I couldn’t sleep not knowing where she was. She stumbled into the bedroom and I sat up in bed and switched the lights on.

“Oh, you’re up,” She mumbled, I knew she was wasted. I got up from bed and stood right in front of her. She didn’t look very nice. Her hair was a mess, she had bags under her eyes and her make up was slightly smeared over her face.

“Where have you been?” I asked sternly towering over her.

“I was out with my friends, I told you so!” She defended herself slurring on her words.

“To four?”

She looked at her watch on her wrist and shrugged.

“Where were you?” My anger rising. I tried to ignore Booster as he yelled at her in my head and called her names.

“Sports,” She answered, naming the bar she had gone to.

“Bullshit, Sports closes at two, now where were you?” I took a step closer to her as she took one back jerking away from me.

She was with another man! Booster yelled. My hands started shaking in rage. I wanted to hit something, to destroy. I grabbed her shoulders roughly and shoved her into the wall with force.

She winced and looked up at me with wide eyes. I could clearly see the fear in them and I smirked. Booster laughed at her.

“Tell me the truth!” I seethed, getting up in her face and hardening my grip on her.

“I am telling you the truth Matt, please.” She begged as silent tears started running down her face.

She’s lying! “Shut the fuck up!” I yelled at Booster. I wanted to handle this on my own without his input on things. Andrea obviously thought I meant her for she cringed and kept begging me to stop.

She was so pathetic. Bloo was crying in one corner of my mind, heartbroken at the sight of Andrea like that, wanting me to stop. I hesitated for a moment and took a step back from her. She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes. But I could see past that. I could see right through her soul and every emotion she held.

She was angry; it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. But mostly she was disappointed, in me. My whole body ached, but not as much as my heart did. I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me, I wanted her to be proud of me, to be happy to be with me and wanting to spend the rest of her life with me like I wanted with her.

“I try to be all that you need.” I said slowly never breaking eye contact with her. “I try to not ever let you down; still I can see it in your eyes, I’m not good enough…” I ended up whispering the last part. She had no idea how much I loved her, how much I needed her. I would be so fucking lost without her, without purpose.

“I love you, Matt.” She said meekly and took a cautious step towards me. “You are good enough.” She wiped away her tears as she looked up into my eyes.

“What do you want me to say?” I whispered looking away from her.

She sighed frustratingly. “I want you to say it back! I need to hear it, Matt.” That greedy bitch, like loving her isn’t enough punishment.

“I do tell you. I tell you all the time.” I defended myself, trying my hardest to ignore Booster. My hands started shaking again. I was in desperate need of a cigarette, something to cool me off. I couldn’t stand the sight of her right now.

“You never say it first though, you just answer when I say I love you. Mostly you just answer you too. But I need to hear you say it and mean it, Matt.” She took another step forward and wrapped her arms around my middle, leaning her forehead against my chest. I just stood there awkwardly with my hands down along my sides.

But as she let out a sob and started crying loudly my heart broke. Bloo got the best of me and I wrapped my arms around her tightly, burying my face in her hair. “I love you, Drea. I do.” I whispered.

Her sobs ceased and she looked up at me with a small smile on her face. “I love you, Matt.” She leaned up and pressed her lips against mine. I held her tightly as I kissed back and deepened the kiss, savouring the moment.

Can’t you smell it? Can’t you taste it? The other guy! Booster wouldn’t leave me alone. I broke loose for her touch and took a step back turning my back to her.

“Matt, what’s wrong?” Andrea asked worriedly, laying a hand on my back as she stood behind me.

Booster just laughed at her, still pissed of. Are you really buying her bullshit?

I let out a frustrated scream and repeatedly banged my head against the wall, hoping it’ll kill them. “Leave me alone!” I yelled. They just laughed viciously at my weak attempt to get rid of them.

“Matt, please stop, you’re scaring me!” She had started crying again, and tried to pull me away from the wall. “Stop hurting yourself. I love you, please Matt.” She begged and I stopped. It didn’t have any effect anyway.

I wanted so desperately to believe her, Bloo wanted me to, but Booster was always in the corner of my mind telling me not to. She doesn’t love you. How can she when she cheats on you?

Andrea wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, sobbing into my back. I got so angry, I didn’t want her anywhere near me. “Get away from me, you stupid bitch!” I turned around and escaped her grip on me. Before I knew what was happening I had formed a fist and hit her straight across the jaw. She whimpered and stumbled back and fell into the wall, while she held onto her face where I had hit her. She stared up at me with wide eyes filled with fear but she didn’t say anything. I hadn’t even realized what I had done. It was all Booster’s work.

And with that Booster was satisfied for now. Guilt took over my senses as Bloo got the upper hand of my mind. “Shit.” I groaned and took a step towards her. “I’m so sorry, Andrea. I didn’t mean to.” I whispered sincerely, my heart breaking seeing her like this.

I hated Booster for making me do that. I hated Bloo for making me feel this way. And I hated Andrea for even being alive. I whished I had never met her. Then all this wouldn’t have happened.

I walked over to the bed and sat down, my elbows resting on my knees and my face buried in my hands, trying to cool off. “I just want them to go away.” I said absentmindedly. I had never told her about them before. I had never told anyone about them. They would put me away in some mental asylum if they ever found out.

I felt the bed shift as she sat down beside me. She didn’t touch me. She was probably scared of me right now. I didn’t want her to be. There was nothing to fear in me. It was all Booster. I never wanted to hurt her. I loved her.

“Matt, what are you talking about?” She asked carefully not to upset me again. I lifted my head from my hands and looked at her. I could tell she was tense and afraid.

“Don’t be afraid of me, I’m not going to hurt you.” I told her seriously looking straight into her eyes to emphasize my point. I really needed her to know that.

She nodded her head slowly. “Okay,” She whispered.

I sighed and ran a hand through my short almost non existent hair. “They won’t leave me alone.” I answered her previous question.

“Who, Matt? I don’t understand.” It sometimes annoyed me how she said my name in almost every sentence, like she was talking to a child. I didn’t like to be treated like a child.

“The voices.” I said angrily, not at her but at them. “They’re in my head and they won’t shut up.” I shifted my gaze back at her and she stared at me like I had gown out two heads.

“Matt are you…” She swallowed and watched me with cautious eyes. “…Insane?” She finished her question.

I got up from the bed and towered over front of her, anger boiling up in me. No one told M. Shadows he was insane! “I’m not inane, I’m not fucking insane!” I screamed in her face. That’s right, she needs to learn her fucking lesson.

She jerked away from me crawling over to the other side of the bed. I slowly got to my senses and walked around the bed over to where she was. But she got up from the bed and backed away from me until she reached the wall and was trapped into the corner. The only way she could escape was through the door which was behind me and I wasn’t letting her get away.

“I’m so sorry, Andrea.” I said honestly. “Please, I just… I can’t control them. I need you.” I took a step closer to her. She shook her head slowly with tears running down her cheeks.

“You have to understand. I didn’t mean to hit you, or yell at you.” I swallowed. “I love you.” Why was that still so hard for me to say?

“Oh, Matt.” She sighed and gave in. She came up to me and hugged me. “I love you too. I want to help you.” I hugged her back tightly and buried my face in her hair, like I always did due to the difference in height between us.

I learned to control them, Bloo and Booster, I mean, at least for the most part. Sometimes they got the best of me and I snapped. I felt so ashamed for all the things I’d done to her. Though I never stopped loving her, it hurts me to admit that that was not the only time things had gotten violent. But I guess she had enough, one day. She just disappeared, didn’t leave a note or anything. One day when I woke up she just wasn’t there.

I don’t know how she has the nerve to show her face again. And what the fuck is she doing at Brian’s? It doesn’t make any sense. She just continues to stare at me with those empty eyes that I once loved.

“You’re going to hell, Matthew Sanders!” She says in a low creepy voice. I just look at her unable to form any coherent words. “For what you did to me, I’ll make sure of it.”

I want to beg for her forgiveness. I want her to come back to me. I need her in my life. Otherwise I won’t ever be able to get rid of the voices. I want to make it right after how wrong I treated her. I know it’s selfish but I really want to make it up to her.

“Hey man, you let yourself in, I see.” Brian comes out of the kitchen with a smile on his face.

I turn my head away from Andrea to look at him. “Why didn’t you tell me Drea was here?” I ask him slightly angry that he hasn’t warned me so I could prepare myself.

“What are you talking about?” He asks looking confused.

“Andrea-” I start and turn around to look at her again but she’s gone. “Where did she go?” I walk into the living room to see if she went in there, but it is empty. The only other way would have been the back door but I would have heard that.

“Dude, are you alright?” Brian comes after me into the living room.

“I’m perfectly fine, now why didn’t you tell me she was here?” I walk back into the hallway to see if I haven’t missed her standing there. But how could I? It’s just a simple hallway with nothing to hide behind and no hidden doors. Then where the hell had she gone?

“There is no one here, Matt. It’s just you and me and it hasn’t been anyone else here all day.” He says slowly looking at me like I’m crazy. I know I’m not.

“She was here! She fucking talked to me, I swear!” I raise my voice. Why the fuck doesn’t he believe me?

“Andrea?” He asks doubtfully. I nod. “Howard?” I nod again bigger. “That’s impossible, have you completely lost your mind?”

“Dude, what the fuck? I’m not insane.” I said appalled that he won’t believe me. “She was here, she’s engaged now, she had a fucking ring on her finger.”

“Matt, you gave her a ring.”

“No, I didn’t. I think I would remember proposing to her.”

“Yeah, you did man. And she said yes. Don’t you remember?” He talks to me slowly, like his talking to a child. I’m so fucking done with that treatment.

“What are you talking about, she broke up with me.” I say unbelievingly.

He sighs. “When are you going to stop with that lie? I know the truth, Matt. I saw you. I went to your house that day. A year ago today isn’t it. Don’t tell me you don’t remember.” He glares at me strongly, his voice serious. “I still don’t know how you got away with it. We all knew you treated her badly but I never thought you would do that. I left before you noticed me.”

I just stare at him with my mouth open in pure shock and suddenly all memories come crashing down at me. I look down at my hands and I can see the blood that was on them. I can see the way I stabbed her repeatedly with the butcher knife. How I had chopped her up in pieces and put her in a plastic bag and buried her in the woods, with the ring I had given her just a week before. How I had taken my time to clean up the mess in my house, making sure there were no evidence left of what I had done. How I had lied to everyone telling them she left me. That I had just woke up that day and she was gone. Everyone bought it, I had lied so much this past year I had begun to believe it myself and forgot the truth.

“You killed her!” He yells at me. I say nothing.

Booster tries to reassure me that what I had done was nothing wrong. That it was the right thing to do. She got what she deserved. And with that last sentence he disappears. I check again but there is nothing there, no sign of Bloo either. Even if they don’t talk all the time I am still able to feel their presence. But now there is only emptiness. I smirk in victory, they are finally gone. All it took was for me to know the truth even if I had pushed it to back of my mind not wanting to know about it.

I am not a bad person, not in general. I wouldn’t call me a murderer. Please, it’s not like I go out at night looking for victims to kill, murderers are mental people doing what they do for fun. That wasn’t what I had done. Andrea had deserved it. And that’s the only reason.

Brian keeps staring at me like I’m insane. Maybe I was, but not anymore. I’m finally free. I turn around without another word and walk out the door and down the street, the smirk never leaving my face.

Now that it’s all over, I could confess it. But then again why? When I got away with it, why turn myself in and endure hell in prison? I mean who suspects M. Shadows? He’s a famous singer in a band with loads friends. Who will think he is a killer?

Even if I want to make things right, it wasn’t really my fault, it was all Booster’s, who put the ideas in my head, I couldn’t. And what’s up with Andrea being at Brian’s? She hadn’t come back to haunt me, had she? No what am I thinking; there’s no such thing as ghosts. That was obviously only Bloo playing tricks with my mind, trying to make me feel guilty. It almost worked, but I can’t.

I can’t confess something I’m not responsible for. What went down was the work of Bloo and Booster and now they are gone. Fuck Andrea, she was nothing but a useless bitch and she got what she deserved, I could finally see that now. But it is almost easy to admit it, Brian knew. But thank god, he hasn’t told anyone. I’d kill him if he did. Well, probably not, I need my guitarist and best friend.

But I think that’s the thing; it’s almost easy. Meaning; it’s not easy enough. And god knows I have to hold onto my dignity. Just think about what would happen to my reputation and the band if this came out. I am M. Shadows and nothing can break me down. After all, I got away with murder and the voices in my head. I’m at the top of the world.

Now, let’s just hope I’m not going to hell.