I Can Use Some Guiding Light

(January 27, 2010)

Like every night over the past two weeks, I was at the beach right at seven, roaming around the waterfront. Once again, the only noise was the waves crashing against the surface. It was very calm out here. I enjoyed it. I looked at the sky, letting my thoughts wander. I hope Jimmy's up there. Somewhere calm, where he doesn't have to go through any of life's crap. He deserves peace...I guess it's somewhat selfish to want him back.

My vision became a bit blurred with tears. I sighed, and they streamed down my face. I spoke out loud, more tears pouring as I did so, “Jimmy. I hope you're happy up there. God, or whoever is up there better be fucking taking care of you. Really. Oh, man...I can't wait to chill with you again one of these days, bro. I miss ya, Jimbo. Sulli-Bin Laden,” I laughed a bit to myself, remembering that one interview back when Daemeon was in the band. “I love you, Jimmy. I miss ya more and more everyday.” Then I felt two arms being wrapped around me. It felt like a woman's arms. I turned to see Allison. "Whoa, how long were you there?"

"After you said you can't wait to chill with him. Sorry. I didn't want to interrupt you during that," she smiled.

I smiled back, drying my tears. "It's fine."

“How are you feeling, Bri? It's almost been one month,” she questioned, looking up at me.

I shrugged, “Not the best.”

“It's okay. With time, it'll get easier,” she assured me.

That gave me some kind of hope. “I still just don't understand why he had to go, Allison. It's not right.”

She hugged me tighter, “I don't even understand it, Brian.”

“He was such a great friend...he was everyone's best friend for Christ's sake. Everyone loved him. He made every single moment special...now everything just feels so damn different,” I told her, tears streaming down my cheeks. “...and I absolutely hate it.”

“I'm so sorry, Bri,” she said, the same sincerity in her voice.

I sighed, “Allison? Let's just walk around...I need to get my mind off of it.”

She nodded and I grabbed her hand, and we wandered around the beach in silence. Of course, Jimmy never left my mind. It's really hard to get my mind off of everything. I focused on Allison, who was holding my hand and was looking around.

She looked really beautiful. Her hair was down and was being blown by the gentle breeze. She only wore a thin line of eyeliner, lining her sparkling blue eyes. She was wearing some light faded skinny jeans, a plain black v-neck and she was barefoot as usual.

The time quickly passed, and before either of us realized it, it was 10:30.

“Well, Brian, I'll see you tomorrow, right?” she inquired, still holding my hand.

I nodded and she started walking off, but I stopped her by placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

She nodded with a smile, “Of course.”

We got into my car and I drove us back to my house. Once we arrived, we walked to my room and I fell asleep, holding her close to me, giving me some peaceful sleep.

It was great, while it lasted.