Insanity.

Addison spooned her fruit loops and frowned out of curiosity as the front door slammed, "morning" she piped up as Russell walked through into the kitchen muffling his yawn, he grunted and walked straight to the fridge grabbing the milk carton and started drinking.
she rolled her eyes, he was always so talkative in the mornings.

It was mid afternoon when Addison decided to to ask "Do you still feel lost?" her voice was soft and quiet as she watched him clean the dishes of their lunch, he hummed "I feel regretful, well I'm not gonna lie to you last night i felt shit, cos I'm sick of my life nothing ever happens and suicide was greatly on my mind so i went back to old ways." his voice was quiet and all Addison could hear was the pounding of her heart in her chest.

She got up from her seat, ignoring how loudly the chair scraped across the floor and wrapped her arms around him. He winched "my chest, silly girl" he lightly kissed her hand which was closest to his mouth. "Oh sorry." Addison muttered against him, her arms never moved from their place.

Russell smiled at how much she cared "It's okay" he breathed, as she slowly turned around still with her embrace around him "you don't have to say, anything" he smiled down at her, he brushed her hair away from her eyes "you're Addison, you radiate happy." he whispered with a grin, Addison laughed unable to believe her ear "how can I? when I'm barely happy myself" she challenged, all Russell did was shrug before get out of her embrace and back to the dishes leaving Addison to her thoughts.

~*~

Russell felt Addison's glaze on him "yes?" he asked, slightly amused by her reaction of red cheeks and stammering, "I don't like being like this you know, It's not my favorite side. I'm still healing from last time" he blurted, then mentally told himself to keep his mouth shut but there was just something about Addison that made him want to tell her everything, "Jade...?" she asked, his heart gave a prang of ache, 'of course she'd innocently think it was over a broken heart' Russell thought "no. Last Thursday, I felt like complete shit because of the same reason I don't see a future for my life so yeah. I went to bed and decided I'd see how sharp my knife was... apparently my razor blade is still sharp..." he answered, with a straight face staring blankly at her. "no more abuse. please, promise me?" Russell smiled at the caring side of her again, but nodded "I promise. although to me it's an addiction, i feel like crap i either cut or burn myself. one of the two." he explained sullenly.

"I know, it was my addiction. it still slightly is, the thoughts still linger... but i resist it and tell myself its over. I know I'll slip and regret it.. a lot." Addison said quietly "you better not" Russell nearly growled, and wondered why anger suddenly flared through him, "we'll see" her voice was neutral "will not, you just won't do it, is that clear young lady?" Addison nearly laughed at such formal words coming from him, "Maybe" was her only reply "don't do it silly" he was nearly begging, "i don't get the difference, you tell me not to do it yet you still.. did" Addison felt her heart breaking and tears welling into her eyes which she begged not to spill over. They didn't.
"that's cause i don't care about myself, I'm just some low life that no one notices why should i care if no one else does?" it was a serious question that he asked, "your not a low life. I care, don't i matter?" The pain in Addison's voice was visible, and it reached Russell's ears loud and clear yet he still wanted to know why she cared so much. "you matter, I don't." he whispered "well start changing your mind stupid, because I'm not losing you to silly things such as that." she smiled at him, and he smiled back but it was more darker.

"Try doing that when all you want to do is kill." his voice was darker than the shade of his brown eyes "Would you kill someone?" Addison asked gulping, "i want to right now, i always want to i just try and not think about it... because i know if i start going to i wont be able to turn around and not do it I'll lose control." his words were spilling out of his mouth and he wanted to stop it, he wanted to stop talking about it... for the control he was trying to maintain was slipping.
"build up that control, train yourself to keep that control.. i know everything I'm saying isn't helping its nearly impossible to do. and i in some sense... understand how hard it is for you sometimes i feel like killing people, insanely but i just push it out to the back of my head. that's it. I surround myself with people who make me laugh and happy and i try and not think about it again." Addison should of felt scared, but she didn't she knew Russell was telling the truth, that he had some kind of animistic part about him, but she didn't care. She wanted to help.

Russell shifted away from her, the strawberry scent of her shampoo was going into his nostrils... he might just go out for a really rare steak. "yeah it's incredibly hard but hopefully when all this passes that control will really help me.. if this passes" he gulped down hard, trying to look anywhere near her direction "it will, it has to pass" her voice nearly sounded desperate. "it better, if it doesn't then fuck it... I'll just let myself free go on a rampage." Russell said through a clenched teeth "No, you won't" she fought, Russell hid his smile of a amusement "I probably will" he fought back lightly, "fight your hardest not to... please" Addison's innocent look was all he needed, "I'll try" he forced a smile her way, just so she felt a little better and she did. "thank you, i don't want my best friend in prison or worse."

"it'll probably be worse I'm not going to prison." Russell declared "I know, then maintain your cool." Russell laughed bitterly at her comment, "i always try, but once i get pissed off its fucking hard to stop myself, i still manage though. I've never been pissed off, always angry. but not as angry as i can get, I'm afraid of how angry i can get.." he explained before getting up, to his keys, he didn't explain where he was going he trusted her not to worry.
As he shut the door, he heard her mutter to herself "Right now, so am I" before he quickly shut it quietly and turned down the hall towards the local pub.