Hold up My Heart

He left me. For what, I couldn't tell you even if I knew the answer. It sickened me to know that he left me with nothing but questions rambling through my head every minute of the day. I never knew what I did, and I always thought of mistakes that I had made, but none came up. What sickened me the worse was the fact that he suddenly left with Sam Uley and his friends. Yeah, that's right, the Quileute gang. There was something wrong with all of them, and even Jacob had told me about how Sam would give him this knowing look, like he was next. But for what, again I couldn't say.

No one tells me anything.

So from then on after he left, I figured that we were done.

We were so good for each other, Jacob Black and I. Yes, I used his full name, with spit gustering through each damn syllable. We were best friends, and we met in second grade. And after the time I scraped my knee and Jacob Black came to my rescue, we were inseparable.

Our parents got along just great, and we shared a few things because my mother was paralyzed from the waist and down - just like Billy Black, Jacob's father. Though I had both parents and he only had his father, it meant well to both of us.

But after so many years of being best friends, we knew there was something more between us. So just last year, knowing that we both wanted this, Jacob took me out for dinner, and that's when I truly saw the gentleman in him. He was such a great guy.

And our first kiss - it sent sparks through my body every time that memory flashed behind my eyelids. But that was before Jacob Black left me. And when I had asked Billy about it, and my parents questioned him, he made up some sick excuse about Jacob needing a break. Some bullshit that is. And now that he'd left me for no explainable reason, I'd changed, let's say - for the better.

Like tonight, I was with my new best friend and early roommate, Karina, at Will Lockhart's house for another weekend party. I went to parties all the time nowadays. I'd get drunk some of the time, but that wasn't good enough of a rush for me. I needed a real one, and Brody Mason hooked me up with the finest shit around. Cocaine.

I preferred to snort this substance, but the first few times had been injected into my system. but not feeling as rushed, I switched to snorting. I felt so much better after a few drags. And besides the drugs and alcohol, there was this thing that everyone called sex. Of course I knew about it, and I heard rumors about that shit, but I never dared to go that far.

With all these random guys I almost hooked up with, you'd think I'd lost my virginity already. Well that is where you are so far off. The farthest I had gone was some hardcore make-out sessions and a bunch of grinding and feeling up. Why was I not fully letting go to the concept of Jacob Black leaving me, and just going through with every step?

Because I was still saving myself for someone special. and deep in that broken, confused, and irregular beating heart of mine, I couldn't stop thinking that Jacob Black was the one. Not just with that, but that he was the one for me, who I'd have a family with, and who I'd grow old with. But after the past six months, I knew that I wasn't good enough for him anymore. I didn't need him anymore.

Lie.

I needed Jacob Black more than I ever have before.