Hold up My Heart

I wasn't going to school this week, and I sure as hell wasn't going to go the next week. Besides, we only had three weeks left. I wasn't planning on going to college after this, that wasn't important. So might as well just skip through the rest of the year, no biggy.

I didn't want to see his face. I didn't want to hear his voice or feel his hot skin on mine. I didn't even want to think of him, and I had every intention of losing these feelings within a matter of seconds. I pulled myself out of bed and reached into the side table drawer for my needs. I pulled out a small transparent bag of white power. I smile to myself with the thought of what I could do, how uncontrolled I'd get, and how thoughtless my mind would be.

Grabbing a mirror and pulling it and myself onto my bed I poured the contents out of the bag - not all of it, of course, and chopped the bigger particles with a razor that I kept handy. Putting the coke in two lines as I prepared, I laced a finger around the straw. I lowered my nose, inhaling. Instantly I felt the rush, the power beneath the substance. My head spun, and my vision altered. I felt a rush of euphoria as my heart beat became very rapid.

I felt like running around the room screaming out profanities, I wanted to jump off a high building and feel the rush get even stronger. A small smile came to my lips as these thoughts passed through. But I stayed put and waited for the high to decrease.

It only took fifteen minutes away of unknown time. The high was unbelievable just like every other time I've tried it. I felt great and inhuman, until I finally crashed. Literally speaking, I fell back down onto my bed with a thump and stared up at the ceiling, watching as the black spots began to appear in my vision. Soon my vision had begun to cloud over and blur with such an intensity I could hardly see.

But I didn't mind.

And then my eyes started to close - slowly, but they did close. The last thing I remembered was the buzzing in my ears and the opening of my door.

~

"Hey, whore, WAKE UP." I felt Karina's cold hands tapping on my face as she bothered me to wake up. I swatted at her hand and let out a groan. "Don't you groan at me, woman." She mumbled.

"What do you want?" I muffled into my pillow.

"I'm sorry, what was that, Ara?" I could hear the smirk in her voice, picturing her brown orbs piercing into my back because I wouldn't wake up. I grumbled something incoherent and turned around, eyes now wide open.

"I said, what do you want?" She grinned, her head then gesturing over to the small bag on my bed. I pulled myself to a sitting position, then grabbed my head as I waited for the light-headedness and aching throbs to decrease. "Oh, that. You have your own."

Kari gaped at me and shook her head, "Actually no, I ran out." I gasped and shoved her out of the way as I managed to pull myself to my feet. The dizziness hit me like a ton of bricks and I fell back onto my bed with a groan.

"So I'm guessing we have to go to the Shack later?" I concluded, but still waited for an answer.

"I guess." I smirked at her flirtatious smile that played on her face. I gave her a stern look, telling her to spill her guts. She gave in just on cue, "Okay, so I don't have any money right now and Dougie said he'll give me the stuff if I stayed with him tonight and -"

"You two would fuck for the coke, am I right?" I lifted up an eyebrow, letting out a small laugh when Karina nodded. "And why are you asking for my permission for this?" Karina sighed, her eyes showing me something that I didn't think i'd want to see. I let out a groan and shook my head.

"Come on, Ara! Tristan really wants to see you! Please please please?" She begged, I thought that she'd go to her knees at any second. Wait, never mind, she was already on her knees begging me to come with her.

Giving in I groaned and rolled my eyes, "Fine, I'll go with you, alright? But you owe me -"
"Big time, I know." Karina flashed me a smile as she headed towards my door. "Now fix yourself up so we can leave. I'll be downstairs."

After Karina left my room I regrettably hopped out of my bed and picked out something to wear. I was too lazy to dress up for Tristan, so he'd have to suit with my skirt and tank top. I pulled a brush through my hair, re-did my make up ad skipped down the stairs - almost falling, but not. Karina smiled at what i was wearing and literally dragged me out to her car.

Like my normal routine, once we were both in the car i slammed my feet on the dashboard and blared the radio. Music played loudly as we drove downtown. But Karina was abnormally quiet. So I turned down the music and looked over at her. Her hands were gripped on the steering wheel, her teeth sinking down into her bottom lip.

"Dude, what's wrong?" I asked, worried. She turned a bit to me and shrugged. I pushed further, asking her again. "Kari, tell me what the hell is wrong. You're never this quiet."

She sighed, "I just feel weird. I mean, when I hung out with Embry, it's like we clicked. And with Dougie, all we have in common is our sexual preferences and drugs." My mouth shaped in an 'o' and I nodded. I didn't really understand this thing with Karina and Embry, but with the look in her eyes, she must actually like him. I could have gagged in disgust at the thought of love.

Love. Why is there even such a thing? I mean, all that really happens is a girl meets a boy, this girl and boy quickly become friends after boy came to girl's rescue. Boy and girl grow up listening to boy's family's Tribe Legends, girl finds the imprinting legend to be thoughtfully amazing. Girls starts to fall for boy as they grow up together. Girl doesn't know that boy is also falling for her.

Girl almost gives up when boy confesses his feelings for girl. Boy and girl go out on a date, and girl finds how much of a gentleman boy can really be. And so boy and girl become a couple starting when they were fourteen. Then three years later, boy disappears with other friends and leaves girl without any fucking answers. So girl changed into some slutty druggie who still doesn't feel whole.

Oh, and then a huge fucking surprise comes when girl stupidly goes back to school. Girl runs into boy and is shocked, heartbroken, and can't move. But boy thinks things are okay between them. Until girl gives him a pissy look and tells boy to fuck off. Then girl gets crazier than before and ends up jumping off a fucking cliff because she was high off her horse, and boy saves her.

Boy brings girl back to boy's house and girl and boy almost have sex in boy's bed because girl is so out of it and girl doesn't know what is really going on. And in the morning, girl flips taco shit because girl finds boy and herself sleeping on the same bed, in the boy's room. Girl runs out, gets high again, and ends up here, going with her friend to get their shit.

See, love is pointless, and stupid. It was only meant so guys could break girl's hearts and get away with it. They want the damn satisfaction that they can hit and quit it. But no, this girl - me is not falling for that lovey dovey crap anymore. This girl changed, and wants nothing to do with love.

I grumbled, pulling my fingers through my hair. I had a huge headache now, I just wanted to hit my head against a wall. The Shack had brick walls, that would work out tremendously. I'd bleed to death, and no one would even notice. Fabulous.

Karina pulled into the parking lot and we both climbed out and made our way to the back where some people were buying their necessities, and others were getting it on in the corners. I pulled my eyes away and found mine to be locked with Tristan's brown orbs. They didn't bring me to a frenzy like Jacob's did, but it was mighty close.

I smiled, bringing Tristan in for a hug. Kari had already made her way over to Dougie. Their friends would take over while I had my time with Tristan, and same went for Kari and Dougie. Tristan pulled me into a room with a lounge couch - not comfortable, but worth it.

"God, Ara I missed you." Tristan whispered into my ear. He pulled me onto him, my legs spread around his so I was straddling his lap. My lips went straight for the kill, attaching themselves to his neck.

"I missed you too." I barely said as I kissed his neck. He let out a friendly moan, his hands traveling up my thighs and under my skirt. Perfect choice in clothing Arabella.

His hands roamed under my skirt as I brought my lips to his. He kissed me with passion that he felt the most, I hardly had it in me to feel anything at this point. I didn't know what I was doing when I took off his shirt and started to kiss down his chest. My hands ran up and down his chest, admiring the contours of his abs. He was built like a God, so smooth and radiating.

I let my lips open up slightly, just big enough to let Tristan's tongue slip into my mouth. Our tongues began to dance together in ways that I was quite used to. I stifled a low moan, almost giving in at the intensity of this kiss. Tristan soon lost interest in the kiss and began to kiss down to my neck. I could feel him beginning to suck down, leaving me with a hickey sooner than later. I smiled, this feeling that I was getting - feeling wanted, not feeling like no one had left me in the first place. Until that thought came around, that is. I bit my lip, fighting the urge to back away and run, just run away from what I was doing. But I fought it and kept steady with Tristan.

Tristan's hands began to move away from under my skirt and trail their way up to my shirt. His cold fingers found their way under my shirt and he began to raise up my shirt, higher and higher. I needed a distraction from what he was doing. I pulled his mouth away from my neck and hungrily kissed his lips. He began to like this, I could tell from a bulge pronounced nearest my thigh.

"God, Arabella." Tristan began, smiling against the kiss. "I love you." He whispered. I froze in mid-kiss. He did not just say what I think he said. I opened my eyes widely, staring at him in surprise, shock, and full-out confusion.

"What did you just say?" I asked, it was barely above a whisper. He blinked, I moved my face away from him. Pulling myself off of him I said, "You know what? Don't worry about it, Tristan. I uh - I have to go." I rushed out before a word could come out of his mouth.

It didn't take long to find Karina, she was doing some nasty with Dougie, I gagged. I grabbed Karina's arm and pulled her away from Dougie. Confusion etched on her face. She buttoned up her shirt and fixed herself.

"What happened, Ara?" She asked as she helped me fixed up myself. I gave her a knowing shrug and gestured back to the car. "Alright, I guess we'll go." Karina frowned at Dougie, but he smiled, understanding that I was still a virgin and not ready for this. But he didn't know what happened back there, and I wish that I didn't know either.

After Karina kissed Dougie, actually it was like another moment of a gory make out session, she grabbed a brown bag which was probably holding shit loads of drugs, and followed me out to the car. She didn't ask me anything, didn't talk to me as we drove back to the house. I told her I was sorry for interrupting her and Dougie, making them stop, making her not be able to go back to sleep with him. She said it was alright, she wasn't feeling it anyways. And once we'd gotten inside the house, both of us cooped up on my room, smoke everywhere, and our minds in the gutter, she finally broke about what happened last night with me.

"So you need to tell me what happened." She insisted as she took another drag of the newly made weed, thanks to Dougie for setting us up with it. I then also took a quick drag, blowing out while I thought of the correct words. To be honest, my mind was pretty gone write now, all I wanted to do was relax and think of nothing.

I released a sigh, "Tristan told me he loved me." Kari's eyes went wide and a smirked carried across her face.

"You're shitting me aren't you!" I shook my head as I grimaced at her excitement. "Ara, this is great! I mean, now that you've pushed Jacob out of the picture...." Her words seemed to drag on, but I wasn't listening. I stopped listening after she said his name.

Worry. Worry seemed to ease it's way through me as I sat on the bed, thinking mindlessly, acting like I was listening to Karina's words. This time I inhaled deeply, puffing out quickly. This seemed the best way to lose it all now. I lost it quickly. My head, like before, was in the gutter, but much deeper than before. And as I began to lay myself backwards, I found myself falling to the floor - slowly, but it was happening.

"You okay?" Her words were in a slow motion as she asked me. I somehow got myself to nod at her, reassuring that my body was okay, but the rest of me wasn't. I let my eyes closed, and they seemed to close quickly and I had passed out more quickly than I ever had before.