Hold up My Heart

School. That's been over for a few days now, and just today I got a letter in the mail, informing me on summer school and how that would help me for next year. I scoffed, ripping up the letter as soon as I hardly finished reading it. I wasn't going to school next year, I was done with school. I didn't need it anyway. I'd find a job around here sometime in the future.

Earlier today I had gotten myself into smoking tobacco - cigarettes if that makes it easier for you. I got addicted to just about everything now, and this wasn't as good as pot or speed, but it seemed to calm my nerves without getting me seriously high and out of my mind crazy. My stress level had gone down thankfully.

Karina was currently out, buying shit for this house. I was asleep when she left, so she went by herself. Good, because I didn't want to go there, I didn't want to go anywhere right now. Except for outside. I wanted to be outside for awhile.

I found myself sitting on the steps of the porch, smoking my problems away. I was at ease, I was calm and secure in my own little world. Until I had a visitor pull up in a large black truck. Along with every other car in La Push, it was a total piece of shit. I could do some work on it if I wanted. I mean, I did teach myself some things about cars after Jacob left and I was on my own.

But it wasn't Jacob who hopped out of the truck, it was Paul. The Paul guy who I almost slept with - sort of. A small grin was on his face as he approached me. I probably looked like shit, but I always looked like shit after a rough night. I guess I must look like shit all the time, because every night was rough for me.

"Hey, Arabella."

"It's Ara.“ I said without hesitation or interest. Paul put his hands in his pockets, obviously nervous and apparently wondering what to say and how to word what he was going to say. Soon he finally sighed and asked away.

"So I know you and Jake -" Flinch. " - are nothing anymore, to you at least," He mumbled the last part before continuing, "So I was wondering if you'd like to continue what we started a few weeks ago?" I smirked, this was perfect.

Throwing my cigarette out into the grass I got up, put my pack in my back pocket and walked over to the passenger side of Paul's truck. He gave me a confused look. I grinned, "You coming, or did you want me to do this alone?" A smile soon slipped onto his face as he jogged over to the truck. Once both of us were in, he started the engine and pulled out down the street.

Taking at least ten minutes out of my time sort of pissed me off. I thought he'd live closer to me but I guess not. But once we arrived at what appeared to be his house, he parked in the driveway and both of us hopping out, walked into his house. I followed him to his room, and once there he turned to lock the door with a smirk.

I was going to love teasing him.

"So you and Jake..." Paul began. I scoffed, I didn't want to talk about him, I wanted nothing to do with him. "I mean, don't get me wrong, but why him?" Ignoring his questions I rolled my eyes and shoved him onto his bed.

"You need to get something straight, alright - Paul?" He smirked, he somehow knew he was getting under my skin. "If we're going to do this right now, you aren't going to say a thing about that jerk who ruined my life - got it?"

"Yeah," He mumbled, waiting for me to make the move. He wasn't listening to what I said, I could tell. He was too busy looking at how we were positioned. "Better make this fast before the guys come over." He said into my ear. I gave him a smirk. Who cared if the guys came over, maybe I could show them how to do a few things. Or maybe not.

"Mhm," I mumbled against his cheek. I'd already gotten myself started before Paul could even begin. My kisses were urgent - it was like I wanted this to the full extent. But only I knew what was true and what wasn't. I'd leave before anything too serious could start.

Paul's hands found their way under my shirt and surely before I could protest, he'd ripped off my shirt and thrown it to the ground. That left me in my shorts and bra, lovely. I grimaced as Paul stared at my chest, his eyes never moving. I found a spot on Paul's neck and began to do what I did best - give him a small hickey just under his ear. He moaned, grabbing onto my hips and pushing my body down on him.

I smirked, feeling successful in what I was currently doing. he'd pulled my down on him several times as I kissed and left trails down his neck and so the beginning of his shirt. I playfully growled, pulling off his shirt in just the same amount of time that he'd done to me. He chuckled lightly, his lips kissing up my arm to my shoulder.

I'd never been too fond of kissing, it never really meant much to me. I mean, it was great - the making out, of course, but it never gave me certain feelings inside like they were supposed to. And when Paul brought my lips to his, I wasn't bothered by it at all.

His lips were warm and rough, not soft like Jacob's ever were. But now wasn't the time to even think about him when I was currently hooking up with his "pack mate". I hope that's what you'd call a family full of wolves. I didn't know, and I didn't care. Because that wasn't even real.

His lips meshed with mine in a distinct rhythm, and I liked it. His hands fumbled with the clasp of my bra, he made grunts of irritation as he tried to unclasp it. I tried not to laugh with this because I'd safety pinned this one - it was for whoever came my way today. And Paul Talley was the lucky contestant.

Just as he thought he'd gotten it unclasped, a smile on his face and all, the door burst open and we both instantly froze in out spots. My face got red as I watched Embry, Quil and Jacob walk into the room. The minute Jacob's eyes landed on mine he began to tremble immensely. Embry and Quil instantly pulled Jacob back but he fought it and came closer.

And then it all happened so quickly and I felt like I was observing it from behind a screen. Jacob ran across the room at the same time I was thrown into a wall. Paul stood up to protect me as a wolf made it's way in Jacob's place. I gasped in shock, never ever thinking that something like this would happen so fast. The beautiful russet brown wolf growled at Paul who growled in response and gestured to the window.

Huffing, Jacob bounded out of the seemingly large window and Paul followed after. Embry and Quil ran over to my side and grabbed my arms as they tried to help me up. I pulled away from their grips and seethed.

"Get the hell away from me." I swear if I was a wolf, I'd be the baddest one out there.

Embry spoke first, "You need to come to Emily's with us and uh -" He was staring at my chest, both of them were. I chuckled and shook my head. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it on. But then I groaned. there was a gash from the rip starting at the front of the neckline and down my stomach.

"Emily will have a shirt for you." Quil said after my small little charade. Denying their help with walking, I followed behind them subtly and walked with them to Emily's house. We didn't have to wait that long until we'd arrived and inside, waiting for Paul and Jacob to get back.

Emily's eyes went wide as I got into the house - along with the rest of the guys. "Here, Arabella, I'll go grab you a shirt." I mumbled a thank you and found a spot on the couch next to Leah.

"You look like crap, Ara." Jared muttered. I glared at him, I of course, was not in the mood.

"I am not in the mood," I followed my thoughts. "In fact, I am never in the mood. So Jared, if you could be so kind and shove it up your ass, I'd so greatly appreciate it." Jared's face? Priceless. Leah began to laugh out loud, almost uncontrollably.

"Whoa, you got Leah to laugh." Quil mused. She glared at him before responding.

"Yeah and?" I prodded. Leah turned to me, ignoring the other's stares.

"I'm normally the one who doesn't give two craps around here." Leah grumbled, I nodded in response. Though I didn't really care at the moment, I was already starting to like Leah.

Jared muffled a laugh, "How is that possible?" What? Was it so hard to believe that a girl who apparently looks like she can hate life, laugh?

"She's like me, Jared. We're both the not giving a fuck, kind of person." Leah seethed, sending a glare at all four boys on the couch. Emily came back seconds later with a new shirt. I thanked her again before standing up and taking off my shirt right in front of everyone.

As I began to pull the shirt on, hot hands had grabbed around my hips and pulled me behind that person. I pulled my shirt on all the way and glared at the back of Jacob's head. "What the hell?"

Jacob gaped, "You were changing right here in front of everyone, Arabella!"

"Yeah, and?" I shoved Jacob out of the way and sat back on the couch. Leah looked at me and gave me an approving smile. I smiled back, but it was hardly much. I had a friend; Karina was all that I needed.

Jacob finally sat down and looking at me with interest and curiosity.

"Would you like a picture, Jacob? It'll last longer." I scoffed, ignoring his stare. He released a sigh and stood up. He walked over and grabbed me by the arm. "What the hell, Jacob? Let me go!" I fought in his arms as he brought me outside, close to the forest. When he let me go I straightened myself out and gave him a 'hmph'.

"Now are we going to talk about this - in a more controlled way?" Was all he asked. Not even a 'Hi, how ya doing?' I mean, seriously.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, "Yeah, sure why not." He smiled in content before reaching over for a hug. We stood there for I don't know how long, before I slapped his arms away and fussed at him for touching me.

"I didn't like what I saw today." Jacob was serious, his voice was strained and he looked way too tired to even be walking around. But hell, who was I to care?

"Okay, and?" I prodded while crossing my arms over my chest and putting the weight on my left leg. Jacob was getting antsy; he repeatedly ran his hands through his short cropped hair.

He took his hand, pinching the bridge of his noise and closing his eyes. "I just - I." He took a deep breath; he didn't want to explode on me. When he opened his eyes they were glossed over with wetness, like he was about to cry. Something kept pulling at my heart, telling me to forgive and forget. But I couldn't.

"Spill it, Jacob." I never took my eyes off of him as he stressed around, trying to find the right words.

He finally broke, and it wasn't a good thing. "Do you know how hurt I am right now? I mean, finding you in bed with Paul - out of anyone else you'd sleep with him? Don't you remember us talking before about him? Before I -"

"Left? Yeah, I remember that completely. I've memorized every conversation we had and threw it out the damn window." I released a shaky sigh, I couldn't lose control now. "I remember everything that happened between us before you left, Jacob. I'll never forget any of it - but it's not so easy to let go of."

"But you know the truth, Ara. You know now that I couldn't tell you. And I couldn't be around you for that long because it took me that long to phase back and realize what i was. I didn't want to be around with you and accidentally lose control. You've seen Emily's face right?" I nodded while I chewed on my bottom lip. "Sam got angry once and lost control. I don't want that to happen to you." He whispered, closing in on the space between us.

"I never slept with Paul - or anyone for that matter, Jake." I said it, I said his real name. The one I was prone to calling him before, the one I'd been fighting with myself not to call him.

He smiled at the name as he pulled me closer. "So you're still.... you know." I gave him a weak smile and nodded.

"Something in my heart told me to wait, told me that you'd come back. And you did," I whispered. My eyes had gotten wet; I could feel one tear spring from my pores. I wiped it away instantly, almost smacking myself in the face.

"I've missed you, so much Arabella." He whispered into my ear. His warm breath on my skin sent shivers down my spine. I couldn't take it anymore; I wanted to do some many things. I wanted to kiss him with such fiery passion, but at the same time I wanted to just cry in his arms and spill out my guts. But I did neither of those. I just stood still, waiting for more.

"I know." Was my response. A small flicker sparked in Jacob's eyes as I said this, almost like a feeling of weakness. Failure, like he isn't trying hard enough.

He sighed, "Are you ever going to forgive me, Ara?" I bit my lip; I wasn't sure what I was going to do at this minute. Right now I just wanted to go home and fall asleep. Maybe take a drag before hitting the hay. I blinked, perfect idea.

I grabbed a cigarette out of my back pocket, along with a lighter and quickly put it in my mouth. Lighting it up I took a drag and instantly felt relieved. Jacob's eyes almost bulged out of his head. "What?" I mumbled passed my lips.

"You're smoking? Arabella come on you can't be serious!"

I nodded; finally, I got him back on track. "I do. I smoke everything from weed, to cocaine." I chuckled, taking another drag. I gasped when Jacob snatched the cigarette out of my hand and literally crumbled it up in his hands. He didn't even wince at the burn he was giving himself. "What was that!?" I shrieked, smacking at his arm.

"Stop doing this to yourself, Ara! I'm back now, and once you forgive me, things will definitely go back to normal - or close to it." I laughed at his hopes and dreams for everything to go as if he never left in the first place. Taking another cigarette out I lit it up with ease and inhaled. Jacob tried to take it away but I snatched my hand away, backing up a few steps, inhaling as much as I could.

"It's not as easy as it looks, Jacob Black." I laughed. "You can’t just snap your fingers and pretend everything is alright. Things take time." My voice went up an octave on the last part and I laughed again.

He sighed and stepped closer to me. "Please, just stop, Ara."

I thought about it, but then shook my head. "Sorry, no can do, Jakey. Now take me home before I walk back." Jacob obliged, but told me he would only if I didn't smoke in his car. Of course I agreed to that, I needed a ride.

"Bye, Jacob." I said as I got out of his car. He gave me a small wave, and spark of pain glistened in his eyes as I walked to the house.