Hold up My Heart

It was getting to me, the aching need for the explanation was eating me inside out. I finally cracked while Jacob was rubbing the ointment on my scars.

I winced as the cool cream began to work it's magic at my wounds. “What happened? Tell me what you saw...”

Jacob sighed, his eyes met with mine for less than a second before he went back to finishing up with the application of the medication. He had been avoiding this topic since I woke up yesterday. I pressed on talking about it all day yesterday, and this morning, until it was time for my medications and I refused to swallow the pills, which resulted in Jacob forcefully making me take them. He'll now have a few bite marks on his fingers. I told him I'd do it.

“Why can't this wait, Ara?” He asked after wiping his hands off with a towel.

Rolling my eyes, I struggled to pull myself up just slightly. “Because, I'm the one who is on fucking bed-rest for God knows how fucking long,”

“Ara, watch your mouth,” He sighed.

“You can't tell me what to do,” I muttered under my breath. I sighed dramatically then, “Come on, Jacob, please,”

Jacob grumbled before pulling his chair closer to the bed that I was in. His bed. “This is only a theory that Carlisle and the Elders came up with together,” Jacob began, taking a long deep breath. “When you overdose, something in that drug might have triggered a nerve in the wrong way. That drug that you took, Carlisle tested it, and he doesn't even know what it is. It was only labeled as 'XJ', but that's not what is was.”

I sighed, closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at Jacob. I knew how stupid I must have looked, I looked pathetic, it was sick. Why was I even giving a care in the world about what he thought about me, though?

“Anyways, whatever this shit is that you took, it messed with your whole system, and it somehow triggered your emotions in the strangest way...” Jacob sighed. When I opened my eyes and looked at him, he looked like he was having a hard enough time explaining what the hell happened to me. “You had already begun to feel the pain that you normally feel at night...And don't try to deny it because I know you feel it too.”

I chewed on my bottom lip, I wasn't going to give in, I couldn't. “I did,” I whispered. Dammit, Arabella.

Again, Jacob sighed and continued. “With this drug attacking every part of your system, it made each piece particularly stronger than what is humanly possible. - No pun intended.” I snorted, rolling my eyes at his comment. “So, basically, that drug took control over every part of you, and turned it all against you, and that's why you felt all of this pain, but more intensified and stronger.”

“Oh,” was all I could muster up without showing any weakness. “I see,”

~

The moments with Jacob, the two of us talking calmly, the promise I regrettably had to make, This drug problem has got to stop, all of it. Every part of it rushed through my head, shocking reminders every so often so keep me from falling through the cracks again. I had to admit, though, after talking with Jacob about what happened the recent night, I began to feel better, mildly. Knowing that it was Jacob to take his action and save my life that I had always thought was worthless, made me feel like I was something to someone again. I was beginning to let my barrier down for Jacob, and I wasn't so afraid anymore.

Dr. Cullen had come back to check on me the next day. He warned me about relapses, but I reassured him that I was done, I wouldn't let that monster get to me again. Things were going to change, I was desperately hoping and wishing for it to stay this way. I closed my eyes and wished that I'd get my time to become better and healthier again, and then I was going to work on things with Jacob. But with remembering what Jacob and I talked about, he wanted to be there for me, with me, the whole time as I got better and stronger, he wanted to be the one to help, and at the same time, work on us. I couldn't say no to that.

”No,” Jacob empathized again for the third time. I'd been pestering Jake all day about getting out of bed and going back to my place. He, on the other hand, felt it be reasonable to keep me here another night, just to make sure. “Why not?” I whined.

Jacob shook his head and sighed, “Because I said so, and you need your rest.”

I groaned, “I've been in this bed for two days already, the only time I'm able to get up is to pee.” I said reasonably. “And I need to shower anyways,” I muttered.

Jacob chuckled deeply, I looked at him and saw a light pink shade cover his cheeks. I smirked, rolling my eyes at his attempt to think dirty. “I don't think so,” He mumbled.

Again I groaned, punching my fist into the numerous amounts of blankets. “You're not fair,”

“I know that,” Jacob winked before getting off the bed and heading towards the door. “What do you want to eat, you haven't eaten yet.”

“Not hungry,” I mumbled before ignoring him.

Jacob grumbled, “I know you are, Ara.” Again I ignored him and looked up at the ceiling. “Ara, dammit...”

Glaring, I closed my eyes and preceded to ignore him. I heard him sigh, and as I was beginning to smile I felt a large amount of weight sink the bed and pressure near my hips and head. When I opened my eyes I sucked in a breath. Jacob was grinning as he hovered over me, his legs guarding me in by my hips, his hands on either side of my head. His face...so close. I felt a sudden urge. I looked into his chocolate brown eyes and my heart thumped, shuttered before restarting again. He was smirking, he knew for a fact that this was getting to me, too much. My eyes wandered from his own eyes to his lips, back and forth until finally I gave up...

“Grilled cheese with a side of Doritos.” I whispered, my eyes still wandering back and forth.

“Sounds great,” Jacob said quietly back. “Be back soon,” He winked, and before I could even blink, Jacob hopped off the bed and left me to myself, lying on the bed – free of anything holding me back like tubes and IV's, but still by myself.

While I waited, listening to Jacob whistle happily in the kitchen, I couldn't help but think about what happened two days ago. I couldn't remember much, if anything at all. My eyes squinted as I searched through my memory box, trying to pick out all of the blurry images. I could remember going to the Shack, receiving the drugs from Dougie... Where was Tristan?

”Tristan's out, hasn't been here awhile, not since you last came,” Dougie's voice, his words echoed in my head, and I began to feel all of the guilt crush me, remembering the last time I'd seen Tristan. It wasn't good.

My memory all of a sudden flashed; I could remember leaving, arriving home to a vacant house with no one there, feeling extremely lucky and special. The glass vials then showed up in my hand, and when the needles came into view, I flinched, letting out a small whimper, somehow being able to remember the pinch as the needle entered my skin. And then the deadly poison being injected into my system, automatically, slowly taking control over me.

And then there was blackness.

I flinched, my eyes snapping open at the same time. I could feel my heart beating rapidly, at least I was alive. I didn't have much time to think over what just happened, and why my memories could be that strong, because Jacob walked into the room with a plate of grilled cheese, Doritos and a glass of ice tea.

“Thanks,” I said, my voice a bit raspy and out of breath.

Jacob looked at me weirdly and sat next to me before reaching his hand up to my forehead. “Are you alright, Ara? You look like you've seen a ghost, and you're getting a fever.”

I shook my head, taking a bite of my food. “I'm all good, just the side affects I guess,” I reasoned, hopefully getting Jacob to stop and ignore it. Thankfully he did, and just watched me as I ate, smiling ever so often.