Hold up My Heart

Why was he doing this to me? Why did he have to come back in the first place? No, why did he even leave in the first place? To mess with my head, and show how much of a fucking jerk he really was? Probably, I mean, he changed just as much as I did. In looks wise, though.

Jacob got bigger - height wise. And his arms and chest, muscle was added everywhere, and he looked so different. He could have been a body guard for all I knew. I mean, he was extremely...buff. But who am I to care about him and his looks? I should be paying attention to me and how I'm supposed to deal with all of this. I should not be day dreaming about how perfect Jacob Black really is.

Damn it, Arabella! Stop this nonsense! Again, my mind yelled at me. It'd been doing that all day, telling me to look away from him, make sure our eyes don't lock again, make sure I don't freeze if our skin touches for just a small second. But all in all, I was desperate to get this boy out of my head.

And I've got just the stuff.

Leaping off my bed I run down stares and search through the drawers for one of my many hiding places for my stash. But when I grab the transparent bag, nothing's in it. I groan in irritation as I realize that Karina never went out to get some more shit. All I had left was the liquids. I never liked shooting up my drugs, I hated needles. But in a time like this, I needed anything I could take.

So, running back up to my room I grab what I need, go over to my stereo and blast it on Headstrong , by Trapt, and walk over to my bed. I wrapped my belt around my arm before taking the now filled needle and, with taking a shaky breath, injecting the drug into my system. Once the drug was fully in my body, I took out the needle and un wrapped my belt from my arm before letting myself fall down dizzily on my bed.

And as I began to settle into this warm and happy feeling, I immediately felt a quaint lightness diffuse throughout my body. Every single muscle in my body was numb, there was no feeling. The ceiling it was turning different colors and twirling in all different directions. Then it began to move side to side, like it was dancing for me, and I began to giggle. I never giggled, or laughed anymore - but if I was high, or even drunk, I was the loudest sucker on the block.

The air around me began to lighten up, the feeling was exhilarating and most of all unexplainable. My eyes began to close, and then they'd open again, and they'd repeat that routine 'till the real rush began to kick in.

Before I could react to the high and the thought of it all, the bed began to move up and up and up, and I began to giggle at the sight. And when I turned my head to the side, I was back on the firm ground. Then I turned my head to face the ceiling and just watched as the swirls began to fade in and out.

I let my arms flail about as I sang along to the music. My voice sounded raspy and out of tune, but that's because I was no longer in control of myself. I mean, I guess I could be in control, if I actually cared. But I didn't care, so I let myself go.

"Fuck!" I laughed, "Back off, I'll take you on, headstrong to take on anyone."

Soon I began to run my hand along the bed sheets, and I was amazed at how soft it was. It was softness I had never experienced in my life. To feel something so smooth and comforting was amazing and I laughed again, this time louder.

Now, if you've never been high, well, being high is one of the most pleasant sensations ever made for mankind. Every day is like, Saturday. It's like being a little kid all over again; to just perceive events with clear vision, to completely enjoy whatever you might be doing, to smile so hard that your jaw muscles get tired.

The feeling has always made me be the one to laugh at the silliest things - and I have to most patience with that. And to understand things that have seemed stupid before, to have the aloofness of a cat. To be intoxicated with cocaine, to me, makes every superlative seem within my own grasp. Being high makes life seem terribly good.

But God, did right now feel like my brain was in a nice warm bubble bath.

I laughed again, but at that thought, and at the randomness I was portraying.

~

"You took it all you bitch!" Karina yelled while she repeatedly hit me with a pillow. I let my eyes slowly open and countered back at Karina with a shove to her abdomen.

"Ouch, you whore!" I gave her a smirk and chuckled.

"Tell me, exactly, what did I take?" Kar rolled her eyes and gave me that 'you know what you did' look.

"Uh, hello? I was planning on getting a little bit high tonight. I got home - with a huge ass smile on my face, because I was so excited - and then I look up here for any sign of it, and it's gone! Vamoosh, disapearo!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Kar, I've got a headache!" She hit me again with the pillow.

"That's what you get for taking it all!" Flipping her off I let my head fall back onto the bed. "Come on, let's go get some more."
"No." I mumbled into the pillow.

"Come on!" Karina began to pull my leg as she whined.

"Fine!" I yelled in irritation as I yanked my body off the bed.

"Thank you very much." She gave me a sour smile, I rolled my eyes.

Once we had gotten to the Shack, where just about everything was secretly sold, I literally hopped out with Karina and ran to the back. Alright, so in the day time, the Shack was just some old book store and hardly anyone went there. But at night, in the back alley - total cliché, was where it all was sold. They got cocaine, ecstasy, opium, heroin, inhalants, roofies, you name it, they've got it.

The ones who run this small catty business - they're close friends of Karina and I. Tristan and Dougie were close with us. We met them at a party a few months ago and they hooked us up with all the shit we needed. And ever since then, we've been coming to their little shop ever since. And for us, we'd get our stuff half off, because we were 'special', according to Dougie and his pathetic little self.

Tristan and I were closer than anyone thought, even Karina. Actually, no, she knew about us and our small relationship. No - it was not a relationship as in boyfriend girlfriend I love you, shit. No, I was never going to fall for any of that ever again. I couldn't do it.

Tristan and I first partially hooked up at the first party that we met at. I mean, the only thing that we really did was make out and the usual, and he was surprisingly okay with that. He was the first to be okay with it, not like I cared, because I usually ran off before it got too far. But I liked this guy and he was cool. So along with Karina and Dougie, it was like we were inseparable.

But soon everything broke off - even though we weren't going out, and we just distanced ourselves from each other for awhile. And that's why, tonight was going to be hard, and that was why I wasn't in the mood to come. 'Cause he'd be there, and this would be the first time I'd seen him in over two months.

But how did I get what I needed? Oh, that's simple, I just gave my money to Karina and she'd go off and get both of our things. And sometimes I'd just buy it off of someone else. So tonight was my first night seeing him again. And it was alright, because we told each other that we'd stay friends, and we had become very close - until I really left us in the dust.