The One Left Behind

In some stories, the beginning starts with the end, and that’s where my story started.

I nearly doubled over in anguish as ten million daggers pierced my heart; at least it felt that way. He was gone; never coming back, ever. His death hurt so badly knowing I could never see his smile, hear his melodious laugh, or see the mischievous gleam in his eyes. There would never be a time when I would feel his breath against my neck or feel his kiss on my lips. It seemed as if his death happened a million years ago, yet only happened but it was only moment…

There was a sudden knock on the door and my feet carried me to the threshold. With all my strength I pried open the white oak door with a look of anticipation on my face, hoping that it would be the one whom I missed most on the other side. But instead of Sirius, it was Remus who stood on the other side looking grief stricken, and it felt as if my body responded to this new sight faster than my brain. I backed up against the worn brick wall and my eyes grew wide.

“No, no, NO!” I screamed feeling the denial wash over my body. Something in my body told me what he had come here for, yet it was too unbearable to even think. It looked like he was bearing the stench of bad news, and this news would be my downfall. His eyes searched mine, pleading with me and he reached out to embrace me. I shrugged it off and backed away even further.

“I’m sorry, Lucy,” he murmured, finally almost strangling me in a bear hug. My entire body went numb and the little person inside of me pounded against my stomach making me wince. It wasn’t true. This must have been some deranged little joke, or maybe it was even a dream. Yeah, that was it. I must have fallen asleep in the recliner in the living room.

Then he said those two little words that brought me back to reality and made me realize; this wasn’t a dream, “He’s dead.” My knees buckled and my heart stopped and tears flowed freely from my tear ducts.

Remus was standing there with his arms folded, just staring down at his feet. His eyes look like they were filled with so much sorrow that they had forgotten how to cry. His sandy hair was disheveled atop his head and he pulled me up as I sunk to the tan carpet.

How would you feel if the only person who ever understood you disappeared from the earth forever? How would you feel if your unborn child would never know its father? It felt like someone had killed me rather than him, for if he was dead, then so was I, because how could I live or even smile without him?

“H-How?” I stuttered covering my face with my hands. Sobs wrecked through my chest and my face felt hot.

“Bellatrix cursed him and he fell into this veil in the Department of Mysteries. Harry is pretty torn up about it,” he explained, pulling me into a grief filled embrace.

“Why should I care about Harry?” I said fiercely. “All I hear is Harry, Harry, sodding Harry. Sure he happens to be the savior of our goddamn free world, yet I just lost the sun in my sky; the love of my life is gone; there is no way to bring him back. I even saw his bloody Will before he kicked the bucket and it stated that everything went to his beloved Harry. Did he fall asleep in Harry’s arms every night? How was Harry able to console him when James and Lily were killed? It’s not possible for Harry to feel more torn up than I do now. My little baby will never know its father,” I sobbed into Remus’ shoulder, wiping tears from my eyelids.

“You have to remember that Harry had no one in his life, no family that ever loved him before Sirius came along, like a white light sent from above. And Sirius didn’t leave everything to Harry. I was supposed to give you a letter in case of his death and now seems appropriate,” he said, handing me a letter; he had to keep his emotions in check otherwise it would tear me up more inside.

” My dear, beloved Lucy,

You have been the center of my world for more than fifteen years and I have loved you even longer than that. I have loved you since the very moment I set eyes on you, even if it didn’t seem that way. Since I found out that you were pregnant, I’ve had to revise this letter to take in account our little bundle of joy. Do you know, I think that Sirius Jr. would be an amazing name? If it’s a girl then we should name her Lily in honor of your dearly departed best friend. It hurts me deep inside just imagining not being able to raise her or him, and I hope that this letter never has to be given to you, at least in the near future.

You must keep in mind that you have to move on, grieving is normal and remember that I will always love you, no matter where I am, be it heaven or hell. The fact is, before you, I had all but given up on life, on love, on feeling anything but grief. My years at home were hell and meeting James resolved that. I had met you through Lily, and had heard enough stories about you to last a lifetime. Once I escaped from Azkaban, you were the first person I went to, and you welcomed me with open arms, regardless of the fact I was a convicted felon. You saw the best of me even in my darkest days.

You must move on, you need to move on. You need to be there for our child and for Remus because he has lost all of his best mates and will need you more than anything. As you probably have found out, I left everything to Harry. That’s everything that the Ministry knows of anyway. I had set aside a little vault in Gringott’s filled to the brim with money and things to remember me by. Remus has the key and will give it to you when you open it; there is something for him in there as well. You must continue to live your life; don’t let grief consume you like it did me.

With love always and forever,

Snuffles, Padfoot, Sirius, and the one in love with you

There would never be a day when I wouldn’t miss him, and the tears stung my eyes as they continued to fall. As I finished I finished the letter I handed it to Remus to read as well, to show him that Sirius cared and would always care for us. My stomach clenched as I felt the baby kick like it was drumming up a beat, mourning in turn for his father.

I backed away from Remus and took his hand in mine, walking to the steps to sit down. We held hands for what must have been an hour before either of us spoke. I made up my mind to be strong in getting through this and would only break down when I was sure no one was in the house.

“Remus, I just want to know that I will always be here for you, always,” I declared as I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it.

“Thank you, Lucy, but you need the help more than I do now,” he sighed as he wrapped his right arm around my shoulders in recognition of the grief we both shared.

“Remus, shut the bloody hell up.” I replied. “You just lost the last of your best mates, I may have lost the love of my life, but you have lost your best mate. He was there through everything, Moony, every single thing. Right now you seem to need my help more.”

With a sigh, I let go of his hand and we stood up to embrace each other in a searching hug of two people who were both feeling the same thing, and both needed the comfort of another. It felt that and it seemed like there would be no smiling in the world again; the sun would never shine; my heart would never beat like it once had.

There was no magic in the world, at least then there wasn’t.