I'm Over Getting Older

Hannah

“Okay mom.” I said as I wrote down the address of the funeral home I would be going to tomorrow, for my brother’s service.

“I love you baby.” Her voice cracked. I sniffed.

“I love you too mom. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up.

I couldn’t function. I felt empty. I felt like… nothing. I didn’t understand it. I felt numb. Like somebody had given me four hundred painkillers, and my body now held no pain, or happiness. I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing.

“Hey babe,” Alex said softly, kissing my cheek. I could tell he was walking on eggshells around me. He felt like any small word or action he did could set me off.

He was leaving in five days.

I shot him a half smile and sipped my coffee. I heard him sigh, and then wrap his arms around my waist from behind. He rested his chin on my shoulder so that his lips were next to my ear.

“How are you?” He asked. I could feel his breath on my ear.

I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to act, or what to feel. I just needed an escape.

“Do you want me to get you anything?” He asked me. I shook my head. “Can you talk?” His voice wavered.

“I’m sorry.” I said, frowning. “I don’t know what to say. I’m just… confused.” My own voice sounded empty and distant; I could hear it. It’s like my whole person was fading away.

He ran his fingers through my hair slowly, looking down at me with sympathy filled
eyes. “I’m so sorry Hannah.” His face was contorted in worry. I didn’t want him worrying. Why should he care? I’ll deal with it on my own.

“Don’t worry about me Alex.” I whispered, wriggling out of his hold and beginning to retreat towards the stairs. Alex caught my wrist.

“Hannah how do you expect me not to worry about you?” His voice was sharp like a needle.

“I don’t know. Just don’t.” I didn’t understand my own actions. I couldn’t comprehend why I was acting like this.

“Hannah I love you. You’re upset; I’m going to worry. Especially when I’m going away soon…” He trailed off. If my emotions were in check, I would have begun crying. But I felt no pain as those words left his mouth. “Come with me,” He begged. This wasn’t the first time he had asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to ruin your tour. Besides,” I sighed. “I don’t want to be away from Natalie that long.”

“I’m not gonna go a second without worrying about you… the whole time Hannah.” He muttered.

“Well don’t!” I raised my voice. I blinked in confusion. Why was I being such a bitch?

His eyes widened, then narrowed. When he opened his mouth to say something, I interrupted him.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. His facial expression softened. I felt my eyes water, and he engulfed me in an embrace. “I miss my brother.” I mumbled pathetically.

“I know you do babe,” He murmured, kissing my head.

“I don’t want to go tomorrow,” I sobbed. “I don’t want to see him like that.”

“I’ll be there with you the whole time Hannah.” He promised.

I felt an urge I hadn’t had in a few years, but I ignored it. I promised my brother I wouldn’t do it.

I couldn’t hold on much longer. I felt like I was losing control.

And this was just the beginning.