I'm Over Getting Older

Hannah

“You can do this. You have to.” I whispered as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing makeup for the first time since Matt had passed away, so the bags under my eyes were slightly covered up.

The ride to the funeral was silent. Alex placed his hand on top of mine and rubbed it tenderly. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn’t dare look up. I was just trying to hold my composure.

As we arrived to the funeral, flags were hanging off the roof. Flags lined the walkway that led up to the wooden door. There was a bench on each side of the door. A window on each side. The sky was darker today; it was most likely going to rain. Matt always liked the rain. He told me it helped him sleep, and it made him feel like it was God cleaning away all of the bad in the world. This, of course, was what he believed when he was younger. I still wish it to be true.

We were greeted with Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls playing softly when we walked into the funeral home. An enlarged picture of my brother wearing his army uniform was framed and placed next to it was bouquets of roses.

The hallway to the main room seemed to continue on forever. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the countless family pictures of him, some of them I was in. Alex walked slowly next to me, whispering something in my ear that I couldn’t understand. I was zoned out. I didn’t feel like I was in synch with my own body.

As I looked around I recognized most of the people that were here. The ceremony was private, but the reception was open to anybody. I saw aunts and uncles that I haven’t seen since last Christmas. I tore away from Alex when I spotted Andy staring at Matt’s Army jacket that was hung as a sign of respect. My brother deserved to be respected. We didn’t deserve to have him die for us.

Andy was my brother’s best friend that he met in training. They also fought together in Iraq.

I tapped his shoulder and he turned around, his eyes glassed over.

“I’m so sorry,” He whispered, hugging me tightly.

“Why are you sorry Andy?” I asked him.

“I should have saved him. I was there. I saw it. It happened so quickly though I just couldn’t stop it. I-I took him back to camp it… but it was too late. I’m so sor-”

“Andy no,” I whispered, shaking my head. “This wasn’t your fault.” He nodded and I shook my head, touching he side of his face. Andy felt like a brother to me ever since Matt brought him home the first time. “Don’t blame this on yourself. You know Matt wouldn’t want you to carry this on your conscience.” This was the most emotion I had felt all week.

“He was so excited to see you again and meet your daughter,” He swallowed hard. I knew Alex probably didn’t like that I was talking to Andy like this, but he would get over it. “He was so happy. It should have been me, it-”

“It shouldn’t have been anybody.” I said flatly, totally fed up with the thought of war. “I’ll talk to you afterwards, okay? I think…I think their going to ask me to speak.” He nodded, kissing my cheek. I’m sure he felt the one tear I let fall.

“Hannah,” He called softly after me as I walked back to Alex. I turned. “He loved you.” I felt a lump arise in my throat. I couldn’t swallow it.

“He loved you too, Andy. You were his best friend. Thank you for that.” He nodded.
Alex captured me in his arms. “I had nothing with him. He was my brothers best friend so don’t make a big deal about it, please?” I pleaded.

His eyes softened and he kissed me. “Okay, I’m sorry.”

We walked into the main room and my heart panged when I saw it was an open casket ceremony. I didn’t want my last memory of him to be… dead. To see him lying there lifeless. But I knew I would see him, because I had to get up there and speak. I had no idea how I would get through that.

I talked to a few other family members trying not to let them all see that I was on the brim of depression inside.

I found my parents and sat next to my father, Alex on my other side and my mother flocked my dad’s right side.

The pastor got up and everybody was seated. He started off with a prayer, and I could already hear my mom crying.

“…He was a great man. A soldier to our country. Let us all take a moment for this fallen soldier, and the many others.” All heads were bowed, and there was silence except for a few sobs. I felt my heart slowly cracking but didn’t let tears fall.

Soon enough I was asked to come up and speak on behalf of my brother. I stood up slowly. I felt disconnected as I walked up to the podium. My brother was behind me. His limp, helpless body lay less than five feet away from me. I sniffed.

“Matthew was the best brother I could ask for. As children, we barely ever fought. We were exactly alike. We could have been twins if not for the year age difference. I could go to him with anything… when I had nobody else.” My voice cracked. “When I couldn’t trust anybody else with something, I knew I could tell him. He never judged me, and-and he never left my side,” I choked up for a moment and I heard the faint sob of my mother.

“He helped me believe that there were actually good men in the world, when other boys would do me wrong,” I looked down so I didn’t see Alex’s expression. “And most of all, Matt only wanted the best for me, and the rest of my family. He always put others before himself. My brother was my rock.” I felt tears burning down my cheeks. “He was also many others support systems. There will never be another man that will compare to him,” My voice cracked yet again. “He will be greatly missed. Thank you,”

I all but ran off the stage. Alex caught me. I shook him off and crawled in my fathers lap. I felt something wet on my head and I looked up to see my dad crying.

That was on the top of my list of greatest fears. I looked down again but couldn’t get the image of my own father breaking. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. I always depended on him to be the strong one, and now I was more confused then ever. I felt like a five year old. I couldn’t contemplate anything that was happening.