I'm Over Getting Older

Hannah

“Mommy!” Natalie called from the backseat. “Mommy!” She called again.

“Yeah Nat?” I answered, not taking my eyes off the road.

“Wook wook!” I sighed and turned around for a quick moment, to see her petting her baby doll. “My baby!”

I half smiled at her, and then turned back to the road. We were going to my parents’ house.

It had been a week since Alex left. He called me three times a day, but I usually only picked up once. I didn’t want him to hear me, because I knew I sounded distant. I didn’t need him to worry about me.

I was going to go see him on tour in a week and a half; they would be in New York.

I pulled into my parents’ driveway and went to unbuckle my daughter from her car seat.

“Gwandma?” Natalie asked for clarification, and I nodded. Her eyes lit up and she wriggled to get out of my arms to run to the door. She slammed her hands on the door; her way of knocking.

The door was opened and I saw my mother, bags under her eyes. She smiled at Natalie, though, and it seemed like a real smile, which itched at me. Was I the only one who was this upset about Matt dying? Was I just overreacting?

“Hey mom,” Her smile faltered a tad at the flatness in my voice, but it was impossible even to fake cheeriness for me.

“Hey baby,” She hugged me tight, and shut the door behind me. My dad stood up from the couch to give me a kiss on the forehead.

My mom set Natalie down and she went into the living room where we kept a little bucket of toys for her to play with whenever she came over here.

“How have you been?” My mom asked hesitantly. I could picture both of my parents walking on eggshells around me. This was ridiculous.

I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.” My dad frowned. “What about you guys?”

“We’re doing the best we can,” I nodded in agreement. My parents tried to bring up light conversation, avoiding anything that would remind me of my brother, and I tried to fake emotions, and put on a slightly happy face.

“Hannah, you know if you want to tal-” My phone began vibrating and I saw Alex’s face pop up on the screen. I interrupted my mother mid sentence.

“I have to take this, its Alex, I’m sorry,” I held up my index finger and walked to the bathroom.

“Hey Alex.” I heard him breathe a sigh of relief when I picked up.

“Hey baby, I haven’t heard from you in forever.”

“I talked to you yesterday morning.” I offered. I prayed to God I could sound livelier.

“I know but I miss you.” He mumbled. He was just trying to offer me comfort. I knew he probably didn’t miss me. I bet he was having the time of his life on tour, surrounded by girls, not having to put up with a crying two year old and his miserable ass girlfriend.

“I miss you too.”

Alex began saying something to me, but it was at that moment I turned to look at the room across the hall from the bathroom I was standing in and I looked straight into Matt’s room. The door was halfway opened. His bed was made, just as he had left it when he left to go to Iraq a month ago.

Alex’s voice was faded now as I saw flashbacks of Matt and I as kids, playing in that room. I saw me sitting on his bed, telling him about my boy problems when I was fourteen. Another flashback came of us sitting on his floor, playing a game of Monopoly and laughing.

I couldn’t take it.

“Hannah?” I heard Alex on the other line. “Are you there?”

“I-I have to go.” I stumbled.

“Hannah what’s wro-” I hung up on his panic stricken voice. He called again but I didn’t answer. He called a second time, but I still ignored it. I could tear my eyes off of his room. He was gone. That bed would never be slept in again by him. We would never hold our deep conversations and share secrets in that room again. We would never do anything anywhere again. He was gone.

I felt myself slowly crumbling. My eyes were dashing around for something. Scissors, razor--no. I promised him.

- - -

Alex

“What the fuck?” I said out loud after the line clicked off. I tried calling another three times, not getting an answer.

“What?” Jack asked me, jumping down from his bunk.

“She never answers my calls, and when she does, she’s fucking miserable and I can’t do anything about it, and then she just randomly freaks out and hangs up!” I pinched the bridge of my nose.

A few seconds of silence passed while I waited for comforting and helpful words from my best friend, but when I looked up, I wasn’t met with the eyes of sympathy from Jack. Instead, his eyes were narrowed.

Shit.

“Her brother just died. She’s raising a two year old by herself while you get to live your dream. She’s been cheated on, lied to, and used. She’s gone to hell and back and managed to keep a stable environment for your daughter. So shut the shit up, you can’t complain about her being upset. If I was her I’d be going fucking nuts.” Jack lectured. And he was right.

- - -

I grinned as I strummed the last chord of Weightless. The crowd screamed. We jogged off stage, my adrenaline pumping. I loved the first few minutes when I got off stage.

We went to our merch table where we were immediately swarmed. My eyes got caught on a brunette as she waltzed over to the group, and the two beers I had had before the concert began to take effect on me.

“Hey,” She greeted. “I’m Cammie.”

“Alex,” I grinned. She giggled.

“I know that.” She wrapped her arm around my waist, and somehow I found myself putting an arm on her shoulder and beginning to accept the flirty smiles she was shooting.

“Get your fucking paws off of her, Alex.” Jack growled in my ear, flicking my ear. I did as I was told. I told the girl I had to go and I ran back to the bus.

I checked my phone. No missed calls, no texts. Great.

This not cheating thing was getting difficult.