I'm Over Getting Older

Alex

I walked into the house, and the only light I saw was the TV flickering. It was four o’clock. Hannah must have fell asleep on the couch watching TV after she put Natalie to bed.

I quietly tip toed over to her, expecting her to be asleep, but she wasn’t. She was awake. Fully awake, with bloodshot eyes.

“Why are you here.” She asked quietly.

I tried to find words to say, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen as I took in her appearance. She looked so skinny… skinnier than before. She looked likes she had dropped ten pounds.

My eyes immediately flicked to her wrists but they were hidden under the pillow her hear was resting on.

“Please just… go.” She sounded so empty.

“I can’t.” My voice cracked.

“You have to.”

I shook my head. I tried to grab her hand but she flinched away. I needed to know.

“Just tell me.” She said in a pleading voice, leaving me confused.

“Tell you what, baby?”

“What is it that makes me not good enough. Stop lying to me I just want to know.” My heart broke.

“Baby you’re perfect, please, please don’t think that it’s you it’s me because I’m a st-”

“Stop lying!” She growled, interrupting me, her body beginning to shake.

“Baby I’m not-”

“Why!” She yelled, throwing her hands up in the air and that’s when I saw it. Deep cuts on both wrists. They were fresh. In fact, some of them she had bandages on. I grabbed her hands and pulled her out back. We couldn’t yell in the house and risk waking Natalie up.

“Get your fucking hands off of me,” She ripped away, a crazed look in her eyes once we got to our back yard.

I did as she said. “Baby please listen-”

“I did everything I could! I cooked, I cleaned, I told you I loved you, I took care of our baby and let you continue on with your dream, and I gave up everything. What’s wrong with me? I don’t understand! Why aren’t I good enough!” She was biting down hard on her lip.

“Hannah it’s me. I was too weak. I wasn’t supportive enough, and I didn’t understand your side of the situation. I love you so much.” I tried not to start crying, like a pathetic little boy.

“Is it because I’m ugly? Or fat? Or am I annoying and clingy just tell me.”

“You’re none of those things just fucking stop! You’re perfect!” I yelled, pulling at my hair.

“I want to be somebody you love just let me fix it tell me what it is that just makes you want somebody else!” She cried.

“Hannah I only want you!” I said.

“You’re so full of shit! I gave up everything for you! I wanted to go to fucking college, Alex! But instead, you were off with fucking Lisa and touring so I had to stay home. I dedicate all of my time to you, and our daughter. We’re supposed to be a family why can’t you love me!” She screamed, her body trembling rapidly. I didn’t know what to do.

I grabbed her arms and pulled her to my chest. While she pushed and punched at me I saw the cuts, and felt like puking. I felt sick to my stomach with myself. I felt weak at the knees.

“Hannah please calm down, I need you to calm down!” I whispered in her ear, trying to control my breathing.

“Why can’t you love me,” She sobbed, still pushed at my chest but I wouldn’t let her move. Her body shook in my hold.

“I love you so much it hurts, Hannah. When will you realize that. All I want is you. I fuck up all the time I know but please believe me. I know I don’t deserve you and I don’t really expect you to forgive me but you need to know I’m in love with you, and that can never change. It will never change.” I looked her in the eyes, but her eyes were frantically looking around.

“I want to be what you want,” She croaked out, her breathing heavy.

“You fucking are!” I exclaimed. She was so persistent that this was her fault and I didn’t know what I needed to do or say to make her realize it was all me. “Are you listening to me?!” Her eyes widened even more and my face softened. Why the fuck was I yelling at her?

“I’ve been trying to lose weight, is that what it is?”

She was crumbling before me, yet again and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lose her. I’d go insane, literally.

I grabbed her face and kissed her roughly.

“No, no, stop!” She screamed, pushing at me. I couldn’t though. “Alex don’t you fucking touch me!” I stopped kissing her but didn’t let her go. “These kisses mean nothing to you. I know it now. This was all just a game so you could get rid of Lisa, and then make me look like the crazy one so that you can take our daughter. You wont take her from me. My brother is gone, and now you’ve left me, but you’re not fucking taking her. Alex you promised me you wouldn’t fucking cheat. How could you? Why?” She ranted.

“You…You think that I’d do that to you?” I stammered out.

“Cheat on me? Don’t fucking play that game Alex you have multi-”

I interrupted her. “You think I’d leave you, and take Natalie? You think I’d make you suffer more than all that I’ve already done? You think I’m just going to give up on you? I’m in love with you, and have been since the day we met. I really try not to hurt you but I just always do something wrong.”

“I can’t-” She stopped. She just stopped talking, mid sentence, and played around with her wrists.

“Please don’t do this anymore,” I choked, softly grabbing her hands.

“Why? Maybe it would be better for you. You can do what you want. You can be happy. All I’ve been doing is bringing you down.” She whispered harshly.

I wound my fingers tightly in her hair, kissing her roughly again. She couldn’t think that. She stood there, her lips barely moving, but she wasn’t protesting. She was beginning to calm down.

“I’m nothing without you,” I said huskily, kissing her again. I felt like she was going to slip away if I wasn’t touching her.

“You have the band.”

“It’s nothing compared to you.” I breathed. I gently pushed her against the side of our house, tenderly kissing her neck.

“You’d be fine-”

“Hannah, I’d be a mess. I wouldn’t be able to function-”

“You fucking functioned fine without me when you had Lisa!” She yelled pushing me off.
“The whole time I wanted you back!” I argued.

“Obviously not, since you’re content being with me here, but when you’re gone,
you get ‘lonely’ so you have to fuck me over.” She exhaled. “Why?”

I run my hands through my hair again. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I do it. I don’t mean to.”

“Yeah well that… that’s not an excuse anymore! Look at me!” She cried, her body beginning to shake again. “Look at what you’ve done!” She screamed louder. Those words echoed through me, stabbing at my chest.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled. “I… I don’t know what to do.” My voice cracked, and I felt the lump in my throat. “I love you so fucking much.”

I kissed her again. “I don’t know if I can do this anym-”

“Shh, please. Just for right now. Tomorrow we’ll talk about it. Please, just right now.” I couldn’t even form coherent sentences. I kissed her softly again, and slowly she started responding. I waited for her body to stop shaking until I pulled away.

She whimpered. “I love you, Hannah. You’re beautiful.” I sniffed, kissing her again. My tongue delved into her mouth, and I felt all of her weight slowly press against me. She was so light…