I'm Over Getting Older

Hannah

“Daddy!” I heard my little girl cheer as she woke up and noticed us both lying in bed with her.

“Hey baby girl,” Alex said, sleep clear in his voice. He sounded so sexy when he first woke up.

“I missed you!” She jumped up and down, and then began to shake my shoulders. “Momma! Mommy! Daddy home! Up!” She yelled.

Trust me, I knew he was home.

I also didn’t know how to feel about it; how to act around him. I didn’t know what I wanted to do about this situation. Him being here and crying in front of me still doesn’t change what he did. I don’t know if anything can fix what he did.

I pretended to fall back asleep.

- - -

“Baby, wake up,” Alex whispered in my ear, massaging my shoulders. I shooed his hands away, feeling disgusting as his fingers touched me and I thought about all the other girls those hands had felt. He frowned.

I sat up, pulling the sleeves down of my long sleeved shirt I had worn to bed. I could barely open my eyes; they were so swollen and puffy. I’m sure I looked like shit.

“You’re so beautiful.” Alex murmured, his voice cracking, as if he was reading my mind.

“Shut up.” I said flatly, standing up to get out of bed but then feeling light headed and dizzy, so I grabbed Alex’s shoulder for balance. His arms wrapped around my waist and I felt a lump arise in my throat. I let out one choked sob and before Alex could start asking me questions, I walked out of the room and down the stairs.

“Morning Nat,” I smiled at her, kissing my daughters forehead. “What are you eating?” I sat next to her.

“Pantackes!” She grinned, stabbing a bite of pancake with her fork.

“Did dad make you them?” I questioned, beaming at her. When everything was wrong, just seeing her made me so happy.

She nodded eagerly. I looked up at the clock and noticed that I had slept until twelve. My eyes widened.

Alex came down the stairs, and I tried my hardest not to look at him because I knew that I could break down at any second, just at the sight of him.

“It’s a little late for her to be eating breakfast don’t you think? She has to go down for a nap after this.” I said to him, staring at the fake flowers that sat in the middle of the table, serving as a centerpiece.

“She wasn’t hungry until twenty minutes ago, and when I asked her what she wanted she said pancakes.” He said. I nodded. “I’ll put her down for the nap. You need to eat, I made you pancakes too, over there.” I looked at him for a second and he nodded his chin over to the counter where I saw two pancakes sitting on a plate. “Blueberry, your favorite.”

“Thanks.” I whispered.

We waited for Natalie to finish eating in silence, and it seemed to go on forever. I didn’t even know what to say to him.

“Nattybear lets go lay down, okay?” Alex said when she was done eating.

“No nap!” She protested.

“Yes, nap. Come on.” He insisted.

“No!” She yelled. Alex narrowed his eyes at her.

“Don’t talk to me like that, Natalie Gaskarth. Come on now.” He said, taking her hand and picking her up off the chair and she began to cry. She began to throw one of her famous Natalie fits, screaming and crying for no reason.

But there was a reason. She was confused. She didn’t know why daddy was never home, why mommy and daddy were always fighting, why we aren’t married; she doesn’t understand any of it. Well, she understands it. But she doesn’t know what to do about it.

I bent down on her level, gently pushing Alex back. “Natalie,” she continued screaming. I tapped her shoulder. “Natalie,” I repeated. “Natalie look at me. She did, but continued to cry.

“No cries baby okay?” I said. “No cries. Everything’s okay.” I continued cooing to her until she stopped, and hugged my neck, falling asleep almost instantly. I felt the lump arise in my throat as I carried her up into my bedroom and laid her down in them middle of the bed gently, leaving the door cracked.

I walked back downstairs feeling numb. I knew what was coming next.

I sat down on the couch, and almost immediately Alex was next to me. I looked up at him and shook my head.

“What?” He asked.

“I don’t know.”

He hesitated, clearly confused. “What don’t you know?” He asked slowly.

“Everything. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.”

“Forgive me.”

“Alex if I even cheated on you once you would have left my sorry ass.” I shot back, tired of him thinking that I was full of all of these chances and mercy and grace.

“You don’t know that.”

“I don’t give two shits look what we’re doing to our daughter.” I said loudly, trying to get the point across. I couldn’t keep hurting her like this. She was too young.

He was taken aback. I sniffed, about to cry when his lips collided to mine, I don’t know what it was but my body snapped. I began straddling him, deepening the kiss, running my hands under his shirt, everything. I don’t know what happened.

All I know is that I started crying. Again. And as soon as I did, he did something he’s never done before in our whole entire relationship. He stopped. He completely stopped all kissing, touching and just… held me. Rocked me like and infant, as I curled up in his lap and bawled into his chest.

“Love I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I want to fix you. And this family.” I heard his voice crack for the second time today.

“I don’t know how to trust you anymore.” I told him honestly. “The only way you could even think about gaining back my trust is by being with me, all day everyday.”

“I can do that.”

“No.” I sobbed. “You have the band.”

“I would call Matt and the guys right now and tell them that I need to take a year or two off from the band. I’ll do it right now.” He began digging his phone out of his pocket. I slapped his hands.

“So I can be the bitch that made you quit the band and let everybody down, and you can be mad at me for not letting you live your dream? I don’t think so.” I shook my head.

“You’re not a bitch. And I wouldn’t be mad. You and Natalie are all I want.”

“Shut the fuck up I’m ugly and we all know it that’s why you’re looking for somebody new.” I said. I didn’t even know what was coming out of my mouth anymore, all of my emotions and thoughts had been bottled up so long that they were just starting to pour out.

His mouth slammed up against mine. “Get off,” I squirmed. I really didn’t want him to, but in a way I did. I didn’t feel important anymore.

“I want to fix this so bad please,” He began crying. “Please just tell me what to do I’ll do anything for you Hannah, anything.” He pleaded. “Please, just tell me.” He cupped my face.

“I can’t keep doing this to myself I need to feel important,” I whispered.

“How do I do that? Let me. Please.” He begged, turning my face so I would look at him.

“Alex I don’t know I don’t know if it’s fixable anymore.” I said, my voice monotone.

“It has to be!” He yelled, both of our eyes widened and looked to the top of the stairs waiting to see if we heard Natalie wake up, and when she didn’t wake up he looked back at me. “It has to be.” He whispered, his voice straining.

I shrugged. I had no idea how to even be feeling right now, so I tried not to feel anything at all.

He kissed me again, urgently. I couldn’t help but return it. I was putty in his hands. His used up touch. His empty kisses. It all drove me nuts.

He climbed on top of me, and I felt him stop kissing me, and start crying. I opened my eyes to see him squeezed between me and the couch cushions, staring at me, crying.

And my heart broke.

I wrapped him in my arms, and his head buried in my neck. I felt a few warm tears drip down to my collar bone, and shivers ran through my body as he whispered hot apologies into my throat, kissing it gently every once and a while.

“I’m so in love with you.” He groaned, sniffing and kissing my collarbone.

“I don’t know if you are, anymore.” I said, my voice sounding distant.

He looked up from the crook of my neck, his eyes on fire. “I have never loved somebody this much, and I will never stop loving you. It’s impossible. I want to spend forever with you.”

“Forever is a long time for you to be stuck with just me. You probably couldn’t handle being married for a month without wanting to have sex with somebody else.” I said looking up at the ceiling.