I'm Over Getting Older

Alex

Marry her. That’s it. I mean, it’s about time anyways. I want her forever, we have a daughter who is almost three, its time to settle down and be a family.

But she wouldn’t say yes now, no, especially not right now. I’ll have to wait months before I consider asking her. If she even sticks with me for those months.

We have to get through this. I don’t think I’ll be able to live without being able to hold her as we fall asleep with our daughter beside us. That’s all I desire. A family.

All these thoughts just running through my head like film on a VCR tape.

“Can you eat something?” I murmured, staring at her skinny figure. She was way too skinny.

She shrugged again. I wanted my Hannah back. The energetic, loud, bouncy Hannah that I fell in love with, but I had destroyed her.

“Please.” I whispered.

“I just want to be what you want,” She said quietly. I pulled her over to my side of the couch, laying her on my chest.

“You’re everything I want.” I told her.

“I’m obviously not. I must be really ugly, suck at sex, and everything is apparently wrong with me because you can’t be with just me.” She said, not looking up at me.

“Stop.” I growled. Her head snapped up, shocked. “Just stop. This is ridiculous. I just… I don’t know what to do to make you realize that its not you it’s the alcohol, and me not being able to handle being away from you. It’s me not being strong enough to be strong for you. Me feeling weak because I cant fix everything that’s happened to you, and everything that’s wrong.”

She stayed quiet for a minute. I was about to speak, afraid that I had upset her even more, but then she began talking. “Alex I don’t think I could be able to trust you while you were on tour and not with me. I would drive myself nuts. It just… won’t work.” She sniffed, looking at our feet that rested at the end of the couch, huddled close together.

“Then I’ll take a break.”

She shook her head. “You know you don’t want to do that.”

I shrugged. “I don’t, you’re right.” She opened her mouth to begin speaking again but I interrupted her. “But that doesn’t mean that I want to make this work, more than I want to be on tour.” I stated.

“Alex I-I can’t let you do that. This is your dream, as well as Rian, Jack and Zack’s, and you leaving could just ruin the band… I can’t do that to you guys. It’s not fair.”

“What if I told you I didn’t want that anymore?” I blurted out, not knowing where that even came from.

She looked taken aback. This is the most composed I’d seen her for a month.
“You know that’s not true.”

I nodded slowly. “Yes it is. What I want is Natalie. What I want is you. I want a family. And I can’t obtain that if I’m on the road all the time.”

“The guys would kill you, and I cant eve guarantee we would work still, no, I can’t. You cant do that.” She mumbled.

“I’m going to.” I said, more confident. Sure, music was my passion. And it was one of my dreams. But at this point, being with Hannah and getting to see my daughter everyday was the number one thing that I wanted. I just hoped the guys would react okay.

“No! You can’t ‘cause you’ll just end up hating me and just… no!” She began raising her voice.

“Baby calm down you know that’s not true.” I whispered.

“Yes it is I don’t want to ruin your life.” She said.

I laughed humorlessly. “ YOU ruin MY life? Are you kidding? You and Natalie are the best things that have ever happened to me. You brought my daughter into this world. And you, you’re just perfect, and funny, and beautiful and… no, you’ve done nothing but make my life better. You make me want to become a better man.” I told her truthfully.

“Lex, I can’t promise you th-”

“Shh. You don’t need to promise me anything. I just want to try it. Whenever you’re ready, it’s all on your time. And I’m going to stay here until we work out a solution. And if God so has it, maybe the band will strike back up after a few years.” I told her.

“I’m sorry I’m so clingy… the guys are gonna hate me.” She muttered.

I kissed the top of her head. “You’re not clingy at all baby. I’m so sorry for… everything,” I sniffed, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I love you so much that it hurts sometimes.” I told her quietly. I felt her tense up.

“I-I can’t say it back right now.” My heart dropped and I sighed. I expected it. I deserved worse than that. If I were her, I wouldn’t have even given me another chance. I don’t deserve her. But I need her. I feel like she’s my oxygen.

“Okay,” I kissed her ear, disappointed and angry with myself.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

“I don’t blame you. Don’t apologize.” I told her.

We were silent for a few minutes, while I just stared down at her while she lay on my chest. I was afraid to blink, in fear of her disappearing.

“When… when are you gonna tell the boys?” She asked hesitantly.

“Soon. I guess I’ll text them all and tell them to meet at Jack’s house.” I told her.

I felt her begin shaking, as if she was about to start crying again. I sat up so that I could look her in the eyes.

“Please don’t cry, they won’t be mad at you. They know we need time to work things out.” I told her calmly. I was upset about leaving the band for a while but I couldn’t leave her again, I loved her and I loved Natalie and she needed to have a normal life, with two parents that are both around all the time. She deserved that. My little girl deserved whatever she wanted in the world.

She nodded, diverting her eyes to the coffee table. “I’m gonna go lay down with Nat.”

“Okay Han. I love you. If you wake up and I’m gone, it’s because I’m at Jack’s. I wont be out past nine, okay?” I asked slowly.

Her eyes widened. “I-I… okay.”

“I promise to you, I’m just going to Jack’s. Nowhere else.” I cupped her chin and tilted her head so that she was looking at me. “I’m going to fix this. No more fucking around. I love you.” I kissed her softly.

“I hope so.”