Therapy for the Lost

Three weeks later found Sarah sitting in Gerard’s basement, learning the rules of D&D. She had only been there a few hours, and her head was already killing her. “You don’t actually expect me to play with you today, do you?”
“Maybe?”
“No, sorry, this is killer. Don’t you have a book or something I can read?”
“Can you read?” Bob joked.
“Very funny. Is that your girlfriend calling? Better hurry.”
He kicked her under the table. She just laughed. The last three weeks…it was almost like her life before she admitted she needed a doctor. Except that she was slowly dealing with all of that. And no one asked or cared anymore why she never took her jacket off. She was slowly settling into a comfortable atmosphere.
And then Dr. Corin called.
“Hello?” she asked, picking up her cell phone.
“Sarah, it’s Dr. Corin, do you have a moment?”
“Um, I reckon?” she said, getting up and walking up stairs.
“Well, after reviewing what we talked about last week, I think it’s time we stepped into new territory.”
“Uh…” she didn’t like how that sounded.
“Your childhood is something we haven’t touched on yet, and I notice that every time we touch on something from then, you avoid it.”
She was starting to feel sick. “Well, that’s not really true, Doctor, I just-“
“Sarah.” He sounded like he did when she was darting around the truth.
“Okay, maybe, but couldn’t we wait for all that?” She was feeling short of breath.
“No, Sarah. I think that if we can start on this, we will be making excellent headway,” he replied firmly.
“Um, well, I’ll see you on Tuesday, then, ok? I have to hurry.”
“Sarah?”
“Yes?”
“My patients often find it easier to deal with the past if they bring something that comforts them. An object, you know, something you can find peace in while we talk, ok?”
“Um, right. Okay, see you, Doctor.” And she hung up before he could say another word. She leaned against the counter, breathing heavily through her nose. She was trying to avoid using her inhaler, but it wasn’t looking too good. She was squeezing her cell phone as if it was the phone’s fault. She could hear someone coming upstairs, so she turned away from the door. She closed her eyes and tried desperately to bring her blood pressure under control.
“Sara? Is everything ok?” It was Jamia. Shit.
“Um, yea, it’s cool, look, I gotta go, can you tell Gerard for me?” Her voice was starting to waver.
“No, you can tell him yourself, turn and look at me.” Why couldn’t she control herself better?
“Um, no.”
Jamia walked over and grabbed her arm. She had a tight grip for a skinny girl. “What is wrong with you? Whatever it is, it’s obvious you can’t handle it by yourself.”
“I can! I have to! You don’t-“ she was trying to keep her composure, but she was failing miserably. Jamia turned her around, and was a little surprised to see she was crying. “-understand. I…can’t…” she leaned back against the counter and tried again to stop this. To make it go away, she had to! Three weeks. Friends for three weeks…She shoved her sleeved hands into her eyes to stop the water flow.
“Sarah…you can tell me, you know. I won’t tell anyone else. You look like you need someone to talk to…”
“But-no, I can’t. These are my problems, and I have to deal with them.”
“Sarah, no one ever made it alone. Look at Gerard.”
“I don’t want to be Gerard. I want my friends to like me because they want to, not because they feel sorry for me.”
Jamia stepped away, looking a bit angry now. “You don’t mean that.”
“Not the way you took it. You guys are all his friends. You were his first. Who wants to deal with two of us? And I promise you, mine are worse. I’d be a complete basket case. It’s just easier to pretend things are normal with you guys.”
“But they’re not. I’ve noticed the way you act…you refuse to even sit in close proximity of Frank, you try to act casual with Mikey but that’s obvious too…and you’re like Gerard’s release. You’re the only one he tells these things to. Sarah, you’ve made us your friends too.”
“I don’t want to be a…” she trailed off, unaware that Jamia understood completely what she meant.
“You’re not.”
She and Sarah looked at each other for a minute.
“Please…you can’t tell the others.”
“I promise, I won’t.”
They sat at the kitchen table and Sarah opened a new can of Diet Coke. “I see Lily’s father. That’s how we met. He…he wants to start talking about my past. Like…my childhood. I…I don’t want to ever get there, and I know he won’t let it go.” She looked at the table, refusing to acknowledge that someone else was watching her cry. She hated looking weak…
“Sarah, it’s obvious this is something you’ll need to touch on eventually. You can’t keep running. That was Gerard’s problem. He kept all his thoughts and problems to himself; he refused to even talk to Mikey sometimes. You can not do this alone.”
“I know that, but I…”
“Sarah, you can’t hide. It will get you. Wouldn’t you rather they know now, than you have some kind of meltdown like Gerard did?”
“I already have. And I think Mikey knows about it.”
Jamia stared at her.
“I’m sure you heard about the ambulance that came through here awhile back…”
“That was you?”
“Can I trust you?”
“You already have.”
Sarah sighed heavily and pulled her jacket sleeves up. Jamia gasped, covering her mouth with a hand. “You…did this to yourself?”
Sarah continued to let her tears fall onto the table as she nodded. “I…I had a fiancée before I came here. I left without telling him why. I knew he wouldn’t accept it. And he didn’t. He found out and when he did…it was a rather nasty phone call. He said a lot of mean things…I couldn’t handle it right then. I had nobody, nothing…they won’t let me work in my field, I probably never will again.” She shook her head and pulled her sleeves back down.
“God, Sarah. I never thought anything like that…I mean…we just figured you were a bit depressed about moving was all. Lily told us you see Dr. Morris for your heart condition…we thought that was it.”
“It was. And with Dr. Corin things were rocky. I didn’t want to admit anything or talk, but…we were finally making progress, and then He called me.”
Jamia took one of her hands. “I won’t tell anyone, and you can call me if you need to. You might want to tell Gerard a little bit. He tends to worry too much, and he’ll feel closer to you then…”
Sarah shrugged and sniffled.
“What are you guys doing up here? I’m getting bored down there with them.” It was Frank.
Sarah turned away from the door. “Nothing, we were just talking, we’re coming.” She replied, this time sounding much more in control of her voice.
“Come on,” Jamia said, taking Frankie’s hand and leading him back to the basement.

Sarah opened her door after her meeting with Dr. Corin and locked it. She sank onto the floor with the teddy bear she had taken with her and lost it. This was not going to work. She couldn’t just tell some stranger (especially one who was a guy) about the things that had happened to her. This wasn’t going to work…
Her phone rang. “Hello?”
“Sarah, it’s Jamia, how did it go?”
“Horrible. And he’s a guy, and this isn’t going to work. I can’t tell a guy about my problems.”
“Sarah…does he have an assistant, maybe?”
“No. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. If I quit seeing him, they’ll make me stay at the hospital. And then I’ll have to see him anyway.”
“Why don’t you feel comfortable talking to him? Is it just because he’s a guy, or because you don’t think you can trust him?”
“I…I don’t know. He didn’t seem too surprised that I wouldn’t open up again, but he said that we’re not leaving the topic. I’m going to have too.”
Jamia sighed. “Do you want company?”
“No, I’ll be fine, I think I’m just going to go to bed.”
“Okay, but call if you need to, okay? I won’t care.”

A few weeks later, Sarah sat in her living room, alone, wondering how she could possibly get out of therapy tomorrow. She had been avoiding everyone like the plague, and her meetings with Dr. Corin were not going well. She had let her answering machine fill to the point where it didn’t have any room left, and still she did not answer her phone. She never left her house, and she only changed clothes to take a shower. She jumped when her cell phone rang. Only Lily and her father had her cell number. She liked it that way.
“Hello?” she asked softly.
“Sarah, it’s Lily. When are you coming out of your house?”
“Um, never?”
“Wrong answer. Jamia and Mikey are relentlessly bothering me about you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and I’m gathering you told Jamia something, because she keeps asking if your okay. As in, have you been to the hospital lately?”
“Um, yea, she has a general idea. Look, I just don’t feel like company. I cry a lot, get angry for no reason, and every time I think about Mikey, I lose it.”
“Why?”
“I seriously like him, and I know he won’t like me back.”
“Why not?”
“Because. Who wants to date someone like me? Too many problems, too much drama. And don’t you dare ever tell him I said that.”
“I won’t I promise. Look, I still think you should see someone. Having someone there is better than nobody. Do you want me to come over?”
“No, I said. Listen, I’m fine, ok? I just need some time to adjust to this and deal with it, is all. Look, can you ask your dad if I can pass this week? This has been really rough, and I just need some time to think, ok?”
“I’ll ask him, but I still think you should see someone.”
“I appreciate your concern.”
“Alright, well, I guess I’ll go then. Call me, ok?”
“I will.”
“Bye.”
Sarah hung up, wondering why she refused to see anyone. She wanted to, but at the same time she didn’t. She wanted people to worry about her, but then at the same time, again, she hated herself when she thought those things. And she knew if she worried anyone about her, she would feel guilty as hell. That was her main problem right then. As she lay on her couch, listening to the latest My Chem cd as loud as she dared, there was a knock on her door.
“Jesus, Lily, can’t you take a fucking hint?” she barked, opening the door. She almost shit when she saw who was standing there.
“Hello, Sarah. Are you alright? You look kind of pale,” Mikey asked.
She took a deep breath and forced herself not to start crying. Before her first horrible meeting with Corin, her and Mikey had been getting along so well. They talked a lot, and kind of had a similar sense of humor. They even had quite a few similar interests as far as movies and such. She felt stupid just standing there, staring. “Um, well, it’s been a rough week. You want to come in?” She stuttered.
“Of course,” he said, walking past her and raising an eyebrow at the candy wrappers on the couch. Another problem. When she was upset she binged on Pringles and chocolate.
“Um, excuse the mess…,” she mumbled, going red. “I…tend to binge when I’m up…not feeling well.”
He looked at her skeptically. “Not feeling well? What, are we all going to catch it?” he asked, shoving the wrappers aside and sitting down.
She grabbed a plastic shopping bag from the kitchen and threw everything into it. Then she sat down, but a little bit away.
“So, nice choice in music…” he grinned, and she felt her heart rate shoot up. Why the fuck would Lily send him down here?
“Um, yea, it’s good for therapy…”
“Really?”
She mentally kicked herself. Stupid thing to say. “Uh, yea, so, um…” She turned it down considerably and bit her tongue. Her conversation with Lily was still ringing in her head, and it was bothering the hell out of her that he was here. She was seriously unstable, and thinking about pretty much anything made her think of Dr. Corin. Seeing people was really not in the agenda.
“Look, we’re all worried about you, and Gerard keeps threatening to come down here with Lily’s spare key and force you to tell him what’s wrong.”
“What? I’ll kill her if she gives it to him!” She blurted out without thinking. Mikey raised an eyebrow. “Um, I mean…”
“I know whatever it is it’s probably hard, but my brother never made it without us. And believe me, he tried. He reached the point where he wouldn’t talk to us about anything, not even me. And he kept self-medicating, or hiding away. You can’t make it alone, Sarah. We want to help you.”
“I don’t want to need help, Mikey.” She said without thinking. She really needed to work on that. ‘Shut up,’ she told herself.
He sighed. “Why?”
“I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems. I don’t want people being held back because of me. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. That would kill me.”
He appeared to think for a second. “But it doesn’t bother us, Sarah. We’ve dealt with my brother for how long?”
“Why should you deal with two of us?” she asked softly.
“Why shouldn’t we? What else will you do? Everyone needs someone.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Sarah…”
“Mikey, I can’t force myself on other people. And that’s what I feel like I’m doing.”
“But you’re not. We’ve missed you. You have a seriously different sense of humor, and we like you. Trust me. And I really would like to know what bothers you so much that you’d hide from us.”
“You really don’t want to know, trust me.”
“I do,” he said, scooting closer to her and lifting her chin so she’d look at him. He was giving her this look; he was begging her with his eyes to tell him. She hated it. He was making her lose it. She swore after him that she wouldn’t need anyone like that again. She couldn’t just set herself up to fall again. Not like that.
“Mikey, you can’t possibly understand. Things like this…it’s like getting naked in front of someone you barely know.”
He raised his eyebrow yet again. “Sarah, I know it’s hard, but think of it like this: I know you know what happened to Gerard. And I’m not saying that’s you. But honestly, do you really want to be alone?”
“No, Mikey, and that’s my problem. I need people. I need someone. And I need to be needed. I know that, and in the end, I freak out that I’m being too overbearing. It’s hard for me to deal with, and I over react about everything.”
“You can’t over react more than Gerard does.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “To be honest, you guys have never seen the real me. I have just as much energy as Gerard does, I act twice as stupid…I am the world’s biggest social retard. I have no real idea of how to act around people, and I’m so afraid of what they will say or think, that nine times out of ten, I just say what I think I should. Then there’s the one percent where I just say what ever, and it winds up being mean or too honest.” She shrugged. She had to look away now; she was seriously kicking herself for not shoving him back out the door and dealing with it later.
“Sarah, Jamia is really worried about you. You obviously opened up to her once, and now she’s afraid you’ll have another episode.”
“You-she-“
“No, she didn’t tell me. I was the one who saw them taking you out of here. To be honest, I was really scared for you. I know how things were with Gerard, and all I thought was, ‘that poor girl must have no one…’ and I wanted to find you. But then Lily told me she knew you and I just waited because I knew we’d meet, Lily knows everybody.”
Sarah sat there, in some kind of trance. This was too much…it was him, he knew all along. Somehow, it was easier after that. She still didn’t want to talk, but she couldn’t stop herself. She told him about how she saw Lily’s father, and how she had been avoiding everyone because of the fact that she was discussing her past with him. “And I just can’t deal with it. I always thought I was strong, I always thought I handled things better than everyone else. And now, here I am, and I can’t handle anything. I feel like I’m falling apart, and I can’t catch any of me. It’s like I’m swirling down the toilet and all I can do is watch. I…need stability and I need to be in control. And I’m not anymore. And I don’t know what to do.” Her voice had been getting croaky and quiet; the fact that she was telling him all these things, telling him what was really bothering her (even though she talked to the Doctor, oftentimes she did not tell him the truth) was making her upset again. It was harder and harder to fight the tears that were threatening to spill over…