Memories That Vanished

Vladimir ignored me for the remainder of the night by locking himself in his bedroom and not coming out for anything. Only once did he open the door to let Landon in and I heard him tell the smaller boy something that I had heard Matt tell them both many times before. "Brothers stick together,"
And then the door was shut and locked for the night and I went my own way, giving my boys some space as they dealt with the fact that they didn't have their Dad around at the moment. I ended up back in my own room, looking at the pictures of Matt and I together from the time we first met up until the day he left for tour.

And I'd be lying if I said that sobs didn't visit me as the night went on. Even as I went to check up on the dimpled boys that Matt and I have always cared about more then ourselves, there were still tear stains on my face. I slipped the key into the door and it opened, creaking as I pushed it farther, letting the light from the hallway illuminate the blonde, sleeping boys in the bed that sat in the center of the red painted room.
I hummed in satisfaction and picked Landon up from the bed, knowing that he'd kick his brother in his sleep. I shut Vladimir's door when I left, knowing that he had always been the boy to complain that his room wasn't dark enough. He was never afraid of the dark and I know that it has something to do with the almost evil lyrics that run through his father's head, constantly, contributing a major role in every song that the almost 29 year old writes and sings.

I know that Vladimir picked up on the same story telling trait that inhabits his fathers mind, seeing as his favorite song had always been 'A Little Piece Of Heaven' and you could hear him on a daily basis walking around the house singing the same line over and over again with the roughest voice a six year old could strain for,
"Eyes over easy, eat it, eat it."
And even though both boys had about an equal amount of looks from both Matt and I. That was about all they had gotten from me. All their little quirks were from Matt's side. Their taste in music, their bad habits, and they even shifted back and forth with adorable smiles on their faces when they had something to say like Matt always does in his interviews.

I placed Landon in his crib, noticing that it was way past time to get him a toddler bed. I sighed and turned on his night light, leaving him to sleep in peace as my own mind weighed heavy with thoughts. Matt and I had talked about switching him into his own bed with little rails, but together we decided to wait until he got back from this short, three month tour, so Matt could be there to help me put him to bed at night. Because Matt's singing was really the only thing that made Landon go to sleep when we wanted him to as opposed to when he passed out from being so tired.

I sighed and went down to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of green Gatorade from the fridge and took a sip, making my way into the dark living room to watch t.v on the couch. Old reruns of 'That 70's Show' played on the sleek flat screen t.v and although it was initially my intention to watch t.v, my mind reeled on ahead and I couldn't focus on anything but helping Matt remember, and come home to the family that was waiting eagerly for his arrival.

It felt like years since I had had a face to face conversation with my husband, the man that remembers who he is. It had been almost four months since I had spent anytime with the man that I fell in love with, the father of my children. And I was dying just to be held in his arms, my own wrapped around his neck as he kissed me like he always does when he comes home from a long tour. That's how Landon was conceived in 2007. 2006 and 2007 were majors years for the band. Ozzfest, The All Access DVD, and their 16 month City of Evil promotion tour that spanned across all of America twice, Europe and they even made it to New Zealand before the came come and got right to work on another album which was released at the end of October, exactly a month before our second son was born.

But with Matt, he always made time for his family. Taking Vladimir to the studio with him when he couldn't be home before dinner to help his oldest son with his homework or play baseball in the backyard like he had promised on the phone while he was over in Europe. Matt was always quick to make up the broken promises with something bigger and more extravagant. Like taking Vladimir and I with him in early 2006 for the first part of Ozzfest when Matt realized he'd have to miss his son's third birthday for the tour that had helped boost Avenged Sevenfold into even more popularity when they beat artists like Chris Brown and Panic! At The Disco for Best New Artist at the MTV Music Awards.

And luckily when Landon was born Matt had just come into some time off that lasted four months until mid-February when the band was asked by Kevin Lyman to play Taste Of Chaos. And even though that Matt was reluctant to go, eventually I coaxed him into it, all though Matt did hire someone to drive us out seven times between February 15th and March 27th of 2008.

It seemed like when Matt was away on tour everything was hectic, but when he'd call and the boys and I would gather in the living room with the phone on speaker, the whole world would drain away. It'd be perfect because Matt and I had gotten everything we wanted, a family and our dreams. But this time, for the last month we couldn't even have a perfect moment over the phone because the man that our lives orbited around was hurt and now his mind is hiding things from him. Not letting him know that it's him, with his dimples and his beautiful eyes. His laughter, his jokes, his amazing, gruff, soothing voice, that ours lives are centered around.

It's like watching the sun fall from the sky and you can't do a single thing about it but wait for gravity to kick back in. If it ever does.