Everything's Different Now

Sitting on a park bench opposite the Arthur Ross Pinetum playground I nervously bounce my leg, I had called Joe this morning and told him to meet me here. I was initially worried that this plan would go completely wrong and I either went to the wrong playground or they wouldn't be here. They are; and thankfully Jenny- the woman who had adopted Darcy- hasn't spotted me. I shouldn't be so scared to be here but I am, Jenny had told be that if I ever wanted to call I could but I always knew it would be a bad idea. How am I supposed to move on if I was in contact with her? I Would have called her and arranged a proper meet up but I don't want to risk Joe getting the idea he can see Darcy whenever he wants, that's why I'm only going to let him see her from this distance. He'll most likely be pissed at me but it's better then nothing. Right?

"Oh god. What am I doing?" I sigh to myself as I push my hands over my face.

"I hope you haven't changed you're mind about this." My head snaps up at the sound of Joe's voice; as he sits next to me I can tell he's in a good mood. "So where is she?" he asked.

"Over there." I answered, gesturing towards the playground "You see the little girl sitting on the swing on the far left.... That's her."

"How do you know?" he asked sounding sceptical

How do i know? What a stupid question.

"Because the woman pushing the swing is her adoptive mother." I explain

"Erica." he sighed but before he can continue I interrupt.

"You wanted to see her... there she is."

Joe let out a long breath before standing up, in shock I watch as he starts walking towards the playground. I quickly get up to stop him. "Joe, what are you doing?"

"I'm doing what you were supposed to do. I'm going over there." I pull him back before he can start walking again.

"You can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Joe, she doesn't know you; and besides if you go up there they are going to think you're some kind of paedophile and I'm going to be stuck having to explain everything so you don't get arrested." I ramble trying to think of another excuse for him not to go.

"I think you're overreacting just a little bit."

"Joe will you just listen to me. You d-" I'm cut off by the sound of my name being called from the direction of the playground. Both me and Joe look over to see Jenny heading this way.

"Erica! I knew it was you." she smiled as she came closer

"Jenny, hi." I said, forcing a smile onto my face. I quickly look at Joe who's watching me. "Er... this-this is Joe." I continue trying to avoid an awkward silence.

"Nice to meet you." She smiled to Joe before looking back at me "This is such a coincidence, what are you doing here?"

"Oh... me and Joe were just taking a walk." I lie. I'm surprised Joe hasn't said anything; especially since this is his perfect chance.

"Well since you're here, do you want to see Darcy? It's been such a long time since you last saw her."

In a panic I look at Joe again and I can tell that he's on the verge of answering for me. "C-could you excuse me for one second." I say before taking hold of Joe's arm and gently pulling him further away from Jenny.

"Joe-" I begin but he stops me

"Erica please. Just- can you do this one thing for me.... Please." He pleaded making sure he wasn't speaking too loudly. You can see the obvious desperation in his eyes as well as his voice. Taking a few seconds to clear my head I do what I know is right for Joe and walk back to Jenny.

"I know you don't really know Joe but... is it ok if he meets her?"

"Of course." She laughed. "Darcy!" She called until she had gotten Darcy's attention "Sweetie come here."

By the time the little girl had ran over, Joe was standing next to me. "There's some people I want you to meet." Jenny said while Darcy was clinging onto Jenny's hand. "This is Erica and Joe."

"Hi" Darcy confidently waved

"Hey" Joe smiled back knelling down to Darcy's level as I stand there in silence trying to think of something to say. "I love your hair." He said pointing to her shoulder length, dark brown hair.

"I like your hair too." she said.

Jenny smiles at me as I looked up from the heart warming moment that's going on.

I wish I could be as happy as Joe is right now, don't get me wrong it's amazing to see her but at the same time it's hard to have her right in front of me; as if I shouldn't be here.

"Darcy why don't you take Joe to the swings?" Jenny said obviously picking up on the awkwardness I was feeling. Without saying a word Darcy grabbed Joe's hand and pulled him back to the swing set. I watched as he helped her up to the seat and started pushing the swing.

"Thank you." I said breaking the silence.

"For what?"

"Giving her the life I couldn't, being good parents."

"Thank you for letting us, she's an amazing child. Very confident."

"She gets it from Joe." I said without thinking, instantly regretting it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Don't be sorry Erica. Speaking of Joe, are you guys back together? It's a shame I didn't get to meet him during the adoption process."

"Er... well right now we're working through some stuff, but we're not together." I sighed trying to take my eyes off of Joe's smiling face.

"It must be nice for him to see her after all this time. Although it could've happened sooner if you had contacted us like we said you could."

"I know, it just- it never felt right. She isn't mine anymore and the idea of seeing her just didn't seem like a good idea."

"Did Joe ever want to see her?"

"Well.... I guess." I pause to refocus my attention on Jenny "He wasn't there during the birth so he would have jumped at the chance to see her." I continue.

"Erica why do I get the feeling he didn't know that he could have seen her whenever he wanted?"

"Because he didn't." I admit trying to keep myself from getting upset. I don't know why i'm feeling like this, like i've done something terrible to Joe. I know what i did was wrong, but right now i feel more then just guilt. I don't know what to call it.

"Erica are you ok?" Jenny asked lightly touching my arm

"Yea-yea, I'm fine." I say trying to compose myself which is proving to be almost impossible."I- I can't do this right now. I'm sorry. If Joe asks just tell him I went home." Without giving Jenny the chance to say anything I quickly walked away, heading in the opposite direction of the playground.

------

"Higher!" Darcy laughed as I pushed her on the swing. I can't believe I'm actually here, with her. I didn't think I'd be this affected by seeing her, talking to her. I've only been with her a few minutes and I can already imagine what life would have been like if I'd known about her and if Erica had kept her. We'd be a family, Erica would've admitted that she has feelings for me and everything would be the way it's supposed to be. Well I hope it would've turn out like that.

"Joe!" Jenny called out as she ran towards me, Erica no where in sight. "Something's wrong with Erica, I-I think this was too much for her." She said looking back at where her and Erica where standing.

"What do you mean? Where is she?" I asked pushing the swing as it came back towards me.

"She said something about going home. If you want to go after her she just left; you can probably catch up with her."

"Which way did she go?" I ask instantly forgetting about spending time with Darcy and just wanting to find Erica.

"Straight up the path." She said pointing to the right.

"Ok, thanks. For everything." I quickly smile before rushing in the direction that Erica had gone in.

It wasn't long before I could see her walking, her arms crossed and looking down at the ground in front of her.

"Erica!" I shout trying to catch up with her; I halt as a guy on a skateboard cut out in front of me before I can continue running after her "Erica!"

Finally stopping to look back at me it's obvious Erica has been crying or at least on the verge of it. "Where are you going?" I ask walking up to her

"I don't know- home I guess." she shrugs

"Are you ok?" It's pretty clear she isn't but I still feel like I should ask anyway.

"I tried-I-I just couldn't do it. I can't see her without feeling like-like I- god damn it, I don't know how I feel!" she shouted

"Erica it's ok. I understand it's hard for you." Pulling Erica into a hug she wraps her arms around me and starts crying into my chest.

"I did it for you." I heard her gasp in between her sobs

"I know." I sigh lightly stroking her hair.