Everything's Different Now

"You're leaving already?" the doorman asked as I leave the apartment building in a hurry worried that Joe will catch up with me at any moment.

"It was too crowded." I said looking up and down the street for an approaching taxi.

"I got it." He smile then suddenly let out a loud whistle and as if out of no where a taxi pulled up in front of me.

"How did you-"

"Years of practice." He laughs opening the door for me

"Thanks." I smile before getting inside. As he closed the door and I gave the taxi driver my address Joe came rushing out the building, thankfully he isn't fast enough to stop me.

After a few moments of silence in the back seat my phone starts ringing, pulling it out of my clutch I look at the caller id not the slightest bit surprised it's Joe. Against my better judgement I answer anyway.

"Hello."

"Erica! Wh-I don't even know what to say." He said sounding slightly out of breath "Why are you leaving?" he quickly asked before I can say anything

"Because I shouldn't have been there. I knew going would be a mistake-"

"No. It's not a mistake Erica. Just come back."

"Joe it's fine. You were having a good time without me there and-"

"Are you leaving because I was dancing with that girl?"

"You were doing more then dancing with her Joe." I said not even caring that it sounds like what he did bothered me.

"If it upset you-"

"Joe it didn't upset me. I-I was just surprised and then Justin was telling me about how you hook up with girls to forget about me and it made me realise that it's because of me that you've changed and I don't want to make you someone you're not." Briefly looking up I notice the driver is glancing at me in the rear view mirror and obviously listening to the conversation. Like having this conversation with Joe isn't bad enough I now have a random stranger judging me for it.

"What are you talking about?" Joe asked forcing me to ignore the driver again.

"Joe I need to know what your real feelings for me are."

"Erica I....I'm not doing this over the phone." He sighed before hanging up.

***

"Morning" Kenny smiled as I walked into work the following morning

"Hi" I smile back trying to hide the fact that I'm exhausted, after I got home last night I stayed up for over an hour just in case Joe decided to come by, after the way he ended to phone conversation I assumed he wanted to talk in person. Not that it mattered how long I stayed up for because I barely slept anyway.

"Something happened. What is it?" Kenny asked following me to the back room.

"Nothing happened. I was at home, what could possibly happen at home?" I shrug pulling my jacket off and opening my locker.

"You were at home? Are you sure?"

"What do you know?" I sigh shutting my locker and turning to face him.

"What I know is that I called your apartment last night, but you didn't answer and when I went over to make sure you were still alive I saw you getting out of a cab looking dressed up. Where did you go?" Crossing his arms Kenny continues looking at me with raised eyebrows.

I would lie but what's the point? I have nothing to hide. "I went to a party that Joe invited me to and it went absolutely terrible."

"What happened?" he asked leaning back onto the edge of the nearby table.

"I got there and he was with some girl and I bumped into his friend Justin and we ended up having this... well I guess it was an argument but at the same time it wasn't an argument-"

"Get on with it." Kenny laughed to stop my rambling.

"Well he said to me that I mess with Joe and I only have myself to blame that I think he's changed."

"None of that made any sense."

Getting frustrated I let out a sigh "He hooks up with girls to forget about me."

"So?" Kenny shrugs

"What do you mean so? It's my fault! I did this to him." I shout but Kenny just looks at me like I'm going crazy.

"Maybe he likes hooking up with girls."

"That's the thing, I don't know! I don't know anything about him anymore. I keep thinking he's the guy I went to school with but he's not, he's this whole new person."

"I still don't know what you're trying to tell me." Getting up and walking across the room Kenny heads to the door.

"I need to decide what he is to me and tell him. He's still hoping there's a chance that I'll fall in love with him."

Dropping his hand from the door Kenny looks back at me "Is there?"

"Seriously? I'm not having this discussion anymore."

"Why do you do that? Why do you get so defensive about it if you don't have feeling for the guy?" Kenny shouted

"I'm not defensive, I'm just sick of talking about it." I argue back

"Ok. So you slept with the guy and you're telling me you don't have any feeling for him?"

"I don't know."

"Erica, come on." Walking towards me Kenny put his hands on my shoulders. "This is me you're talking to."

"Yes I know and that's why I don't want to be having this conversation." I laugh

"Let's pretend for a second that I actually like the guy. Do you or do you not have feelings for him."

"I. Don't. Know." I repeat slowly.

"Erica-" Kenny sighs dropping his arms

"I said I don't know!"

"We're sorting this out once and for all. Sit down."

"We're at work." I said watching Kenny sit down.

"We don't open for another 20 minutes, now sit down."

"Kenny come on. You can't be serious."

"I'm deadly serious. If I'm gonna hate the guy I have to at least know whether you have feelings for him or not."

Eventually sitting down I cross my arms over the table. "Go on then. Start the interrogation."

"When you saw Joe with that other girl....How did you feel?" Kenny asked putting on his ‘intelligent' voice.

"Do you have to do the voice?" I ask trying not to laugh.

"Yes. Now how did it make you feel?"

"Awkward." I shrug

"Why?"

"Because it's Joe! Seeing him kissing other girls in front of me is just weird. It would be like you kissing girls in front of me. It's awkward."

Dropping his head in defeat Kenny takes a moment before looking back up at me. "Let's start again. When you and he were friends, what feelings did you have?"

I open my mouth to speak but quickly close it again so I can take a second to think about the moment I met Joe and everything that happen between then and now. "I didn't want anything to do with him when we met, but the more I forced myself to be around him the more a accepted him as a friend but none of it meant anything. It wasn't until after this stuff happened with another guy at school that I wanted to be around him; and I guess at prom I did feel something when we almost kissed but that was nothing, I would have kissed him if it meant something."

"So why did you have sex with him?" Kenny asked sounding more serious and no longer putting on the stupid voice.

"I went to his room to talk to him about the kiss that almost happened and then he kissed me, I went along with it and then it just happen." Keeping my eyes on the table I avoid looking at Kenny, maybe not looking at him with stop him from asking me anymore questions.

"What about when you left?"

"Do we have to do-"

"What about when you left?" He repeated more loudly

"Leaving was hard for me, but I did what was right." I finally admitted. I have to say it feels good to actually talk about it. "I told myself over and over again that it was ok because I didn't love him."

"Oh my god you love him!" Kenny gasped slamming his hand on the table "I knew it, I knew you couldn't hide it forever." He laughed

I look up and stare at Kenny in disbelief "Were we having the same conversation? I just told you-"

"I know exactly what you just told me. You had to convince yourself you didn't have feelings for him so you could leave. You've probably said it to yourself so many times you actually believe it."

"You're talking shit." I mutter getting up from my seat.

"No you are." He said also getting up.

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to be in love with Joe? Because that's what it sounds like." Walking towards the door I stop as Kenny blocks my path.

"What I want is for you to stop lying to yourself."

Running my tongue over my teeth I look up at Kenny who just stares down at me "Ok fine, so maybe Joe made me feel something but it was a long time ago."

"Now tell me how you felt seeing Joe kiss another girl."

"I- I felt... I guess I was a little jealous, and embarrassed." I sigh briefly rubbing my forehead and dropping my hand.

"Embarrassed?"

Do I have to repeat and explain everything? "He told me he had feelings for me but he still kissed that girl, he probably slept with her too and being there made me feel embarrassed. It just goes back to what Justin said about how it's my fault if I don't like the way he acts. Maybe I'm being selfish. I refuse to tell him how I feel but I expect him to stay single and wait for me."

"So what are you going to do?" Putting his hands on my shoulder again Kenny looks at me like a coach does to their star athlete.

"Stop being friends with him?" I smile

"No...."

Oh god, I have to say it don't I?

"I have to tell him how I feel?" I sigh

"And she makes it to the finish line!" Kenny cheered "It took 5 years but you finally made it." Pulling me into a hug Kenny shakes me from side to side. How can a guy who doesn't like Joe be so happy about this?