Just Traveling Through

I woke up to an empty bed and voices floating in through the open window. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply, preparing myself to roll out of bed. I slowly shuffled into the dining room and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Eric sitting at the kitchen table.

“How are you even awake right now?” I grumpily asked, making my way into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

“The same way you couldn’t sleep when you came home,” he retorted and I could feel his glare eating its way through the back of my head.

“Right,” I mumbled to myself as I carefully poured the coffee into a mug. “Where’s John?”

“Outside with Myles and Ryder,” he answered.

Great. Just from his tone I knew he wouldn’t be leaving until he got what he wanted. But what he wanted was mine, and I would never give him up.

“Do you want to come to the park with me and Ryder today?” I asked. “I take him for a walk every day.”

His eyes lit up and I could see his mind reeling with thoughts. Before either of us could say anything else, the front door opened and in came three rowdy boys.

“Mama!” Ryder squealed, running at me. I smiled and set my mug of coffee down so I could pick him up.

“G’day sleeping beauty,” Myles said to me, quickly kissing me.

“It’s so beautiful here. Myles invited me along to his Zoo today,” John said, plopping down in a chair next to Eric. “I think it’ll be fun.”

I smiled at John then turned my attention to Ryder. “You ready to go for our walk?”

Myles was two steps ahead of me. He had already pulled out the stroller and had placed a few water bottles in the bottom basket. I handed Ryder to Myles so I could get changed. When I came back, Ryder was ready to go and Eric was standing, waiting patiently. I said goodbye to Myles, who was gathering up some things for John’s trip to the zoo, and told him dinner would be ready by the time he got home.

We walked in silence for a while, listening to Ryder babble about the birds and trees. I felt like I had so many things to talk about, questions bubbling in my throat, but my brain couldn’t register any words to match the feeling. It was strange, wanting to speak but not knowing what to say. We walked around the garden once, working on the second lap when we came across a little gazebo. I pushed the stroller into it and sat down on the bench with Ryder facing away from me. Eric hesitantly sat next to me and I could tell he only had eyes for his son.

“I don’t want him to know,” I told Eric. “Not yet. And so help me, Eric, if you say anything to him about who you are, I will make sure you never see him again.”

Eric shook his head slowly. “I just.. I just want to meet him, that’s all. I want him to know I exist, you know?”

I sighed, unbuckled Ryder and pulled him onto my lap. I wasn’t sure how to introduce them. Ryder only knew Myles as his Dad, there was no way I would ever be able to change that. But to my surprise, Ryder didn’t take long to engage with Eric. He studied him for a bit, then reached out to grab onto him.

“Ry, this is Mommy’s friend Eric,” I said to Ryder. “Can you say hi?”

Ryder worked his hardest to crawl over me and onto Eric’s lap. I didn’t want to let go but when Eric looked at me, I could see the longing in his eyes, and I cautiously handed over my son. Our son.

“Hi,” Ryder said with a smile.

“Hi,” Eric said back.

I could tell he didn’t know what to say or how to act. I guess it was expected. “Ry, tell Eric about your ponies.”

“I see my ponies every day,” Ryder explained to Eric. “They live at Daddy’s work.”

“How many ponies do you have?” Eric asked.

As Ryder explained he had three ponies, two brown and one white with brown freckles, I felt something going on with my heart. It was beating faster, harder, much like it did days ago when I was home in the States with Eric. It was a teenager again, beating wildly and free. It was shocking, to say the least. I had figured the feeling would go away once I was home in Australia, but as long as Eric was around this feeling would stay.

I listened as Ryder asked about Eric’s life, where he was from and if he did the same thing his dad did for work. I couldn’t help but wonder if things would be different if I had stayed, if I had presented the situation to Eric. Part of me knew the path I had chosen was definitely the right one, but the other part couldn’t help but wonder if he would have been this calm and collected two years ago.

“Mom,” I heard Ryder say.

“Yeah, babe?” I asked, focused on Ryder now.

“Can we walk now?”

I laughed and put him back in his stroller. I let Eric push this time, feeling a little more at ease with him being near Ryder. And I think seeing Ryder so anxious to learn about Eric helped, too. He didn’t connect how much they looked alike or how strange it was that all of a sudden Mommy had brought home two strange guys.

“There hasn’t been anyone else,” Eric said softly to me as we rounded a corner. He waited to continue until a jogger went by us and was out of earshot. “Since you left, I haven’t had any other girlfriends. I haven’t really thought about anyone but you.”

I shook my head. “We can’t do this, Eric.”

“Do what? Have a real conversation?” he asked, eyeing me sternly. “I’m trying to tell you how I feel.”

“I love Myles,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I couldn’t bear to walk any farther. “I love Myles. I’m marrying Myles.”

“That may be true,” Eric said, staring into my eyes, “But I know you’re in love with me. I know you want us to be a family.”

“You don’t know that,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “That’s not true.”

“It is true, Amelia,” he said strongly. “It’s true because I want it. I want you and I want Ryder. I want this family to be mine, not his.”

“You had me,” I reminded him. “And you chose your band over me each time.”

“You can keep holding that against me for the rest of my life but it’s so untrue. I never wanted to leave you behind but I had to because you were still in school. And believe me, Amelia, on your wedding day I will intervene. I will stop it,” Eric warned. “I’m not going home without you.”

And then I felt something else happen to my heart: it stopped. I watched breathlessly as Eric walked away with our son, pushing the stroller along the pathway leading out of the gardens.