Just Traveling Through

I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. John was zipping up my dress while I watched Ryder stirring in his sleep on the couch. I had John drive around to the back of the church so we would avoid the few people milling around out front. My stomach was in knots and my heart was barely beating, I wouldn’t know what to do if they had seen me because they would have asked questions and fawned over this day and, of course, me.

“He’s still not here,” John told me.

I licked my lips and looked down at the veil in my hands. I didn’t deserve to be standing here in this dress, with all of these friends and family members anxiously awaiting the grand ceremony. This would all be happening in a little church in the countryside. Every other pew had a white ribbon affixed to it, a little ball of some green kind of non-flower flower the florist said would accent the wall colors. The church hadn’t been in use for some years now, so there were no other decorations or furniture in the room. And by room, I really mean there is only one room. I had to get dressed in the little barn outside. But it didn’t matter – I didn’t deserve any of it.

“Can you go check again?” I asked him.

He nodded and moved to leave the barn, but hesitated. He softly kissed my forehead, tucking a loose strand of hair back into my updo. “You’re making the right choice.”

I had done nothing fabulous with my life up to this point, and my greatest accomplishment – my pride and joy – was the two year old staring at me with bleary eyes. I had broken someone’s heart and I had lied and cheated; I ran away from my past after letting people walk all over me. I was, in all honesty, a bad person.

“Mama,” Ryder mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah baby?” I responded softly.

He shuffled over to me, grabbed my hand and then pulled me back to the couch. We sat there for a minute while he continued to wake up. “I don’t want Eric and Uncle John to go home.”

Uncle John? That was definitely something new, but I knew both of them had drilled into his head. I wasn’t really sure what to say to him, either, because I honestly didn’t want either of them to go home. Having John at my side again was such a comfort; he knew exactly what was going on in my mind and how to fix it. He would give me that little push or he would hold my hand when I felt the most alone. I didn’t really deserve him anymore, not after everything I’ve done.

“They have to, though, baby,” I told him. “They have family and friends there that miss them.”

Ryder frowned. “But I miss them more.”

I smiled and kissed the top of his head. “It’ll be okay.”

John came back, slowly making his way over to the couch. “I, uh, think I should take Ryder to get dressed.”

I looked past John. Myles was standing in the doorway, his hands in his pant pockets, patiently waiting for us to be alone. Ryder instantly reached out for John and latched on as he carried him away. Myles closed the door behind them, leaning against it with his eyes closed. A long sigh escaped his lips, his eyes landed on me shortly after.

“Today is your day, Mills,” he said slowly, thoughtfully. He pushed away from the door, causing it to rattle a little, and then cautiously approached me. “It’s all about you. Your dress, your makeup, your hair; your decorations, your setting, your choices.”

“It’s about you, too,” I said meekly.

He made a little noise and shrugged his shoulders, hands still placed neatly in his pockets. “But you’re the one everyone stands up for when you walk in. They look at you in awe, not at me. They admire your beauty and your grace, the way you handle yourself as you shakily make your way to the altar. Then, maybe, they’ll notice the guy standing up there waiting for you.”

“But they don’t matter, do they?” I offered.

He smiled, casting his eyes down to his shoes. “No, they don’t matter at all, really.”

I just smiled, unsure what to say. I had no idea where he was going with this conversation. He looked up at me again, his cheeks flushed pink and there was a little hint of something in his eyes that I wasn’t sure I liked the looks of.

“When you first arrived in Aus, you had this look in your eye and a certain air to you that kinda screamed to stay away from you and let you figure things out on your own time. You looked completely lost and broken, like you weren’t sure to go this way or that,” he told me. “My mates all said I was right crazy to even try talking to you, but you had this pull on me. I had to figure you out, and I wasn’t going to chance letting you go. The more we talked, the more my mates warned me – you were trouble. You had come from a shady past, never revealing where you lived or whom you were running from – because we all knew you were running from someone or something, most likely both. It’s not every day that a young lady just shows up on her own, expecting. But you opened up, slowly and surely, little by little I began to figure you out. The more I learned the more I began to trip and stumble, and then one day I just completely fell over you.”

Of all the things I didn’t deserve, it was this man.

“You became the air I breathed. And when I proposed, I knew what I was taking on. I knew it had only been an odd amount of months and you were in over your head with baby Ryder. I knew everything was pushing against my chances of ever having you all to myself. But that scared look vanished and you trusted me; you and Ryder became my responsibility and my only loves. Everything was all for you. I had never been so crazy in love.” He took a moment to reflect on it all. “The reason I’m telling you this is because when you came home after visiting your parents, you had the same look in your eyes again. You were scared, alone, and miserable even though I was right there for you. Something – someone, rather – had made themselves present in your life while you were there, and they had touched your heart again. You were just as heartbroken and torn as you were all those years ago.”

So I had been the one to tell him? My eyes gave me away? He could see it in my eyes that I had fallen in love with Eric all over again, that I had given myself back to him. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Myles.”

“Today is all about you, Amelia,” he reminded me, easing back toward the door. He pushed it open and hesitated in the doorway. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”

I sat with my head in my hands for a while. It was all so much to take in and weigh out. I was in love with two completely different men. One could promise me the world and the other could promise me a few days. I had a routine and comfort with one and uncertainty with the other, most likely leading to failure. But I also had a lifetime with one and only a few years with the other.

“Millie,” John said, poking his head into the barn. When he noticed Myles had left, he barely stepped inside. The most handsome looking young man was stuck at his side. “Ryder missed you.”

“You can come in, too, John,” I told him as Ryder waddled over to me. He was dressed in his black and grey tuxedo, a white little bowtie clipped under his chin. John had helped him slick his hair back so they could be matching and I smiled. “I need my best friend.”

John nodded. I pulled Ryder onto my lap and John sat at my side. We didn’t talk, John and I, we just sat and listened as Ryder told us about the funny looking people outside. He commented on their outfits and their shoes, and he’d giggle when he made a comment about how John helped him with his hair.

“John is my favorite,” he told me with bright eyes. “Where is Eric?”

I looked to John. He shrugged, “I dunno, little man. He’s not here yet. I’m sure he’s scared to come because I’m the favorite and he’s not.”

Ryder giggled as John pinched his cheek. I pushed John’s sleeve up a little so I could read his watch. We only had ten minutes left until everything started. I could feel my body start to shake and my lips tremble. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want today to be my day. Today wasn’t my day.

“Come on, Millie,” John said softly as time ran out. He lifted Ryder from my lap and took his hand. He held his other hand out to me and patiently waited for me to be ready to grab on. I inhaled deeply, bravely taking his hand. He helped me up and the three of us left the barn.

Once outside, I could hear the music coming from inside the church. It echoed into the emptiness of the rolling country hills, leaving an eerie feeling about the whole setting. The three of us walked to the front door of the church. It was a burnt orange in color and paint chips were flecking off it. My bridesmaids were lined up with their appropriate groomsmen, one hole up front where Ryder should be. John stood at the end of the line after depositing Ryder up front and faced me.

“Eric is here,” he told me. “I didn’t tell Ryder. I think he’s nervous, Mills. He knows something is different about Eric.”

“I know,” I whispered.

The procession started filing into the church, slowly making their way up the aisle. John kissed my forehead again, his hands resting on my bare shoulders. His eyes met mine as he placed my veil just right. “You’re going to be okay, Amelia.”

He slipped into the church with the last of the procession, quietly stealing a seat at the back so he wouldn’t be noticed. I heard the wedding march start and I held my breath, stepping into the church. Everyone stood immediately, smiles on their faces. I didn’t really recognize most of the people I saw as I slowly made my way up the aisle. I heard them whispering good luck wishes to me but I couldn’t bring myself to smile.

I hadn’t seen Eric yet. I looked all over the place without turning my head, which was quite the challenge. He wasn’t showing up anywhere. Where was he? Was John sure he was in here?

I had reached the end of the aisle, my parents to the left of me and Myles’ parents to my right. I heard my mother give a little psst and I looked at her. My throat closed as my eyes fell past her and onto Eric. I stopped when the music stopped, way off mark from where I was supposed to be. I inhaled a shaky breath, tearing my eyes from Eric as I shuffled into my correct spot. The congregation all laughed and chuckled softly when I corrected myself.

“Dearly beloveds, we are gathered here today to join together Myles and Amelia in matrimony, which is an honorable and solemn estate and therefore is not entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently and soberly.”

I didn’t remember any of that. None of that was supposed to be said. I specifically changed the opening part, taking all of that out. I didn’t need to feel guilty or like I was being forever tied into a miserable marriage, as if this was the only way to ever be in love with someone. I didn’t need nor want any of that to be said on my day.

“That being said, if anyone can show just cause as to why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

Oh, God, I couldn’t do this. This is not my day. “Eric,” I spoke loudly. The pastor looked shocked and the gasp was audible from the onlookers. But it was my day and I wasn’t going to do it like this. I turned away from Myles, who had a completely calm expression on his face, and I focused on the scared boy in the pews. My lip trembled as I shook my head and pushed the veil out of my eyes, a soft laugh escaping my lips. “Eric Halvorsen.”

Eric stood up now, realizing I really had said his name the first time. “Amelia, what are you doing?”

“I’m doing what you promised me you would,” I told him.

“Amelia, I was bluffing,” he said, his voice lost in the high ceilings.

“Yeah, I know,” I laughed. “That’s why I’m doing it.”

“Well stop,” he faltered, his voice cracking.

I shrugged as the tears pooled in my eyes. “I can’t. You’re it for me, Eric. I’m sorry I was so selfish that I blamed you for leaving. And I’m sorry I ran away. I was scared. I thought you loved your band more than you loved me and I couldn’t deal with that. I couldn’t deal with you being in love with anything other than me. And then I found out I was pregnant. I convinced myself that your love for music would overturn everything you’ve ever felt for me if I told you I was pregnant and then you’d leave forever. So I left you first.”

“Amelia, stop,” my mother said sternly.

“Today isn’t my day. This wedding isn’t mine. I don’t know most of the people here. I don’t even like the decorations,” I cried.

Eric stepped toward me slowly, thinking about each step he took and what it meant. “You need to stop, Millie,” he whispered. “Think about what you’re doing for a minute.”

“I’ve done a great deal of thinking already,” I told him. I touched his cheeks, running my thumbs along his cheekbones. I knew he couldn’t promise me half of the things Myles could but I was willing to chance it all. “Eric Halvorsen, will you marry me?”

His hair was falling into his eyes and I could just see that he was so scared, so unsure of everything that was happening. He gently grabbed my hands, placing them between us, and looked around the room. Everyone was in shock. Everyone except Myles, who stood in front of his parents as he explained what was happening and how he knew that this wedding wasn’t going to happen. Maybe he didn’t know all along but after hearing what he had to say earlier, I understood that he knew from the moment I returned to Australia that this wasn’t going to go through.

And now I was lost temporarily, floating around in a great unknown. Eric was speechless, my question still unanswered, and it didn’t help that Ryder was between us, tugging at my dress and looking directly up at us. He didn’t know what any of this meant.

“Mommy,” I heard him say as he continued to tug. “You look pretty. Please don’t cry.”

I smiled and before I could react or respond, Eric’s hands left mine and he reached for Ryder. He lifted him up and looked directly in his eyes. “Is it okay if I marry Mommy instead?” he asked.

Ryder’s eyes lit up as he clapped his hands to Eric’s cheeks. “Oh boy!” he exclaimed, squirming out of his grasp. He ran down the aisle as fast as he could. He returned moments later, dragging good ole Uncle John in his wake.

Ryder didn’t understand, and he really wouldn’t understand, but I finally did. Love wasn’t about having anything promised to you. It was about feeling safe and warm, their love reaching out to you even when that person isn’t at your side, whether they’re at the grocery store or hundreds of miles away playing a show. It was accepting and loving your other half’s passions, allowing them to pursue their dreams and helping them along the way.

Love was something you had to work on; it was never just handed to you. It takes a lot of time and effort, and a lot more thinking. It was hard to come by and even harder to hold onto. Some people have true love and lose it without ever realizing. Some, on the other hand, search for it and pray for it and live their life with these blinders on their eyes, losing out on being true to themselves and consequently the chance at being true for someone else.

And then there’s me, the one who was never handed anything in life. I worked hard at everything I did. I worked all through high school to essentially support myself and I studied more than I partied so I would be able to attend college. I was never well liked and often times I was picked on and bullied. But I finally understood it all. Karma was on my side after going through all of those horrible times in high school and it decided hey, why not just make one exception and let this one be easy. Let the decision be a tough one but let the benefits be forever effortless.

It was fate, really, and I was glad that Eric followed me across the globe. I’m glad he fought so hard for me because I would have been one of those people that had their love and lost it without realizing it.

“Yes, Amelia,” Eric said, pulling me from my thoughts. He moved closer to me, our bodies barely pressed against each other, and his lips ghosted against mine. “Yes, I will marry you.”