Just Traveling Through

Life was never easy on anyone. I ran away from the hardships and erased my past just enough so nothing would come up if anyone dared to dig for it. In a way, I was nothing short of a coward. I sat around, letting the problems build on my shoulders, while everyone else actively worked to maintain their level of sanity. I was never handed anything spectacular, never shown the easy way out of anything, and that’s why I seized the opportunity to leave it all behind.

I had another problem, too, though. While most girls my age then were prancing around all summer, hooking up in hot tubs and getting so drunk they couldn’t remember their own name, I was at home and in love. I was head over heels in love with a musician, which created a war between my heart and head. I knew he wouldn’t be around much because of his band, but that didn’t stop my heart from giving in to him. I reminded myself daily that this was going to be one of the hardest responsibilities I had to keep, but my head never came close to winning the war.

It was an unusually cool summer day when the notion set in that it was time to go. Love never lasted and he was leaving for longer and longer affairs with the open road. I packed my bags three days before our two-year anniversary, hours before his band dropped him off at home. I left without a single glance over my shoulder, easily ignoring the tugging in my heart urging me to stay.

And now, the longer I stayed in this town, the faster those emotions came back; being in a rut, not knowing where my life should be heading, and being madly in love. But now I knew I couldn’t stay, because the bigger half of my heart belonged to someone else, someone who lived across the world awaiting my return. He couldn’t walk far and he couldn’t talk much, but he was my meaning of life and love.

I couldn’t move. Eric was beside me, in the blurry state between asleep and awake. The longer I laid there the deeper my stomach fell and the harder my heart pounded. I had made a huge mistake, but where did it start? This mistake went back more than two years, it started way before I had stepped foot on Australian soil. It started before I met Myles.

It started with a lie.

My chest fell, crushing my lungs. I flung the sheets away from me before I scrambled for my clothes. Eric didn’t even wake up. I dug in my purse, unzipping a compartment, and my fingertips brushed against the thick cardstock pile. I pulled one out, examined it quickly, and left it in my place. I softly kissed his forehead before I left the room.

The party had died down a lot since going upstairs. The only people left milling around were the boys and their girlfriends. Trash littered the floor; I could easily spot at least two broken vases. I clutched another piece of cardstock tightly in my hands as I searched the dim room. I didn’t want to leave it with just anyone.

“Mill?” John asked from behind me.

I twirled around, slightly startled. “John.”

“Where’s…?” But he trailed off, already knowing the answer, knowing what had been done.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered and swallowed hard. He responded by wrapping his skinny arms tightly around me, holding me close to him.

“I know you have to go,” he said into my hair.

“I want you to come,” I said when we created a bit of space between us. I offered him the cardstock, which he cautiously took and carefully read. “All of you.”

“We’ll be there for you, Mill,” he promised with a nod. And I believed him. I believed his simple words, his simple gesture. It all meant so much to me.

The rest of the boys joined and we made up a little circle. John passed around the invitation and it was read in silence. Each boy engulfed me in a long, warm embrace. This was two years worth of pent up emotion coming out peacefully. This was the goodbye they hadn’t gotten the first time. This was closure.

“I promise I’ll visit more,” I said in the doorway.

“You better,” Garrett warned. “We know where you live now.”

I smiled, my heart swelling slightly as John stepped outside with me, his car keys jingling slightly. “I promise,” I repeated.

I waved goodbye to some of the greatest friends I’d ever have in my lifetime. But this time, instead of disappearing without a goodbye, I was leaving them with a promise of a visit.

“Mills,” John quietly spoke on the drive to my house. “Ryder is yours, isn’t he?”

I almost didn’t know where to begin. Eric had told him about Ryder? But as that question rolled away, the answer quickly appeared: of course he did, they’re best friends. A couple seconds more went by and he kept glancing at me, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah,” I said in defeat. “He’s mine.”

“Why did you tell Halvo he wasn’t yours, then?” he questioned curiously.

“I didn’t want him to panic,” I answered.

My heart was racing as we approached my parent’s house. He pulled into the driveway, parked and stared ahead at the garage for a moment longer.

“He did, though,” he told me. “He panicked. A lot. I haven’t seen him that worked up since you left. I think he knew you were lying to him, he just couldn’t prove it.”

I didn’t know what to say. “I’m leaving in the morning,” I tossed out there. “Please come to the wedding.”

“Amelia,” John said softly. He was really shocking me today with his quiet he could make his voice. “Ryder is Eric’s baby, isn’t he?”

I shook my head to myself as my head started spinning and my stomach churned dangerously. I couldn’t even out my breathing as the panic set in. I gripped the door handle, pushed it open and threw up in the grass. John was at my side quicker than I could have imagined anyone ever moving. He held my hair out of my face and eventually pulled me into him, easing into a sitting position in the grass a few feet away from where I had thrown up. I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could manage, willing this all to be a dream.

“Please,” I whimpered, swiping away the tears falling down my cheeks. “Don’t let him find out.”

“Does he know? Your fiancé, I mean?” John asked.

“We met a few weeks after I moved out there. I had to be upfront with him, I was going to be obviously pregnant soon,” I explained. “He was such a gentleman, though. He swept me away completely; he said he didn’t care whose baby it was because when he first saw me, he knew I was different. He knew I was the one. And I felt the same.”

John gently kissed my temple. “Let’s get you inside, okay? You have a long day ahead.”