The Hardest Thing

It was nice being home; my parents were taking care of me all the time. Just as I thought before I left, the only thing I missed about Chicago was Audrey. We decided to video chat one night and I thought that it would make me feel better, but seeing her face just made me miss her more. I was only staying home for a few more days and Audrey promised to meet me at O’Hare as soon as my plane landed.

I went downstairs and had breakfast with my mom; Dave had already left for the gym. I knew that I should be working out, but I wasn’t ready yet. I needed to get back into a routine and just start to forget about the loss.

“What are your plans for today?” mom asked.

“I’m not sure, I might go for a run,” I replied, thinking that it was a good idea.

“It’s a gorgeous day out.”

I finished my breakfast and went back up to my room and put on gym shorts and a t-shirt. I went on my computer and created a playlist to transfer to my ipod that would be good for a run. After about twenty minutes, I went outside and started to stretch in front of my house. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I just started to jog. I let my feet just decide which direction to go; after about forty five minutes, the sun was beaming right on me and there was a small park only a few blocks away. It was a park that held many memories for me; it was where Laurie and I shared our first kiss so many years ago.

I sat down on a bench in the shade to catch my breath. I pulled out my phone and looked at the time; Audrey was at work, so I decided to text her.

Me: Hope you’re having a good day at work. Miss you
Aud: Thanks babe, miss you too
Me: Only three days.
Aud: Can’t wait.
Me: I’ll let you get back to work. Call you later. Love you.
Aud: Love you too.

I wanted to talk to her more, but I knew better than to bother her at work. Most likely Kylie was standing over her watching everything anyway. I didn’t dislike Kylie at all, actually she was a great girl, but I knew that she liked to be involved in everything in Audrey’s life. Kaner actually was developing quite the crush on her, especially after finding out that she went on a date with someone after they hooked up. He called me after the dinner with Audrey at Sharpy’s and he couldn’t stop talking about Kylie and how he thought she would want him more; I let him babble knowing that had Kylie wanted him, he would just ignore her.

I looked around the park and saw a lot of couples together; it was such a perfect day, couples were having picnics and just enjoying each other’s company. It made me miss Audrey, but at the same time, it made me think about what Todd and James had told me a few days before. Laurie and I had so many good times in that park; we must have looked a lot like the couples sitting around me. Then I started to wonder if she was cheating on me then…I wanted to know when it started. Did it start before I met Audrey? I hadn’t really thought about it for a few days, but as I sat in that park, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I decided to call Sharpy to see what he thought. While he was always the first one to crack a joke, he was also someone I knew would tell me exactly what to do.

“Tazer, how’s home?”

“It’s okay, I just needed your opinion on something.”

“If it involves Audrey…”

“It doesn’t,” I cut him off, “well not completely.”

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“The other night, my friends told me that Laurie cheated on me. I know I cheated on her too, but I want to ask her about it…do you think it’s a good idea?”

“What do you think she’s gonna tell you?”

“I don’t know…it’s just, her cheating wasn’t the same…”

“Jonny, do you think that falling in love with another girl is a better form of cheating than fooling around?”

“I guess not.”

“Look, it’s up to you. It seems like you really want to know, so ask her. Just be prepared for what’s going to come out of it.”

“Thanks Sharpy.”

“No problem, Tazer. Oh, any Jonny…”

“Yeah?”

“Fuck things up with Audrey again and the whole team turns on you.”

“Don’t worry, Sharpy, I don’t plan to.”

“Good.”

With that, I hung up the phone and put my headphones back in. I stretched a little more and prepared to finish my run. Again, I got up and started running, not consciously thinking about where I was going. Getting the work out felt pretty good, so I just let myself run as hard as I could. After a little bit, I looked up and realized where I was; just one more right turn and I would be in front of a house that I had seen so many times before. It was a house where I had many memories, some good, some bad, and some that laid somewhere in between. I knew why I was there and even though I was covered in sweat, I stood on the sidewalk debating whether or not to knock on the door. My decision, however, was made for me when I saw Laurie emerge from the backyard.

“Hey Jon,” she greeted me, seeming confused as to why I was there.

“Hi,” I responded, quietly, maybe showing too much concern in my voice.

“What’s wrong?” she asked without hesitation.

“How many guys did you sleep with before you moved to Chicago?” I said so quickly that I couldn’t even stop myself.

“What?” she responded, obviously taken aback.

“How many, Laurie?” I repeated with a little more force.

“None,” she wasn’t at all convincing.

“I know that’s not true.”

“I’m not the one who had a full blown relationship,” her words stung a little, but I knew she was right.

“I ended that for you,” I reminded her.

“That doesn’t make it better, Jon.”

To think, just a few days before, we were having a heart to heart by the lake and everything was good between us. She had even been willing to tell my mother that she lied about Audrey. I was probably ruining all of that good blood, but this needed to come out before I brought Aud back to Winnipeg at the end of the summer.

“You had already cheating before I fucking paid to move you to Chicago for us to be together,” I realized that I was raising my voice.

“You left me here and I was lonely; it just happened.”

“Left you?” I repeated, “I didn’t choose where I got drafted; this is my career and something I had worked for my entire life. How many guys, Laurie?”

“Five.”

“Five?! You fucked five guys while I was away and wanting to be with you.”

“It just happened!”

“So did my relationship with Audrey.”

“That happened when I was there with you. Do you know how that felt?”

“Answer something honestly,” I started softly, “did you sleep with anyone in Chicago?” she wasn’t responding. I looked up at Laurie and she just looked at the ground, giving away her answer without saying a word.

“You did,” she finally said back to me, a little frustration in her voice.

“You’re not saying no,” I held my ground.

“Fine, there were nights when you blew me off for her and yes, I’d find guys at the bar and have fun.”

“Then you go and make my mother hate Audrey. Get out of my life, Laurie. I never want to see you again.”

I was furious and just put my headphones in and prepared to start running again. I faintly heard her say my name behind me, but I just continued to run. While I always knew that it was wrong that I cheated on her and had a relationships with Audrey; she was sleeping around. She used my name and my money to get her places and then she fucked around. If it started in Chicago, then it would have been different…but she was doing it even before I met Audrey. I couldn’t believe that I put up with everything was so long.

A few hours earlier, I was thinking about getting back to the gym, I realized that I needed it more than I expected. I ran to the community centre, thinking that I would be able to get a good work out there. Luckily, the place was empty and I went straight to the punching bag. As angry as I was with Laurie, I was upset at myself too. I knew from the first time I realized my feelings for Audrey that I was going to be making a mess out of my life, but I didn’t know just how bad it would be. I cheated, Laurie cheated…how did I know I wasn’t going to cheat again? Of course, I loved Audrey and other girls couldn’t even begin to compare to her. I never felt like that about Laurie...so maybe this would be different. I realized then what I had to do.

After spending some time at the gym and getting a good work out, I ran back home. It was a few miles, but I couldn’t even feel it at that point; I was running on adrenaline. Between my mind being on overload and my fight with Laurie, I knew how to turn my life around for the better. As soon as I got home, I jumped in the shower and let my mind wander to my latest plans. When I got out and got dressed, Dave asked if I wanted to play video games with him and I agreed.

“So what’s bugging you?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I responded, not taking my eyes off the TV.

“Fine, don’t talk about it.”

“Can we just play?”

Dave didn’t ask any more questions as we continued to play video games for a few hours. After a while, mom yelled that dinner was ready. When we went downstairs, I realized that I enjoyed being a normal 23 year old for a change. After dinner, I had to help clean up the table and then sat down in the living room with the family for a little bit. My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID before excusing myself up to my room.

“Hey beautiful, how was work?”

“Hey, it was good. The usual…I had a nice lunch with Kylie.”

“Oh yeah? Kaner’s been asking about her.”

“He asked me at that dinner last week too,” she laughed, “too bad he only wants her because she doesn’t want him.”

“I said the same thing,” I laughed back.

“So, how much longer until you get home?”

“Three more days. I can’t wait to see you.”

“Same. So what did you do today?”

I stayed on the phone with her for another hour. I didn’t care what we talked about, I just wanted to talk to Audrey. I told her about my run and going to the gym; I left out everything about to do with Laurie. I would tell her all of that when we were together. I needed to look in her eyes and make sure she knew that I loved her and that I only wanted to know about Laurie’s extracurricular activities to clear the air. Maybe I wanted to feel better about myself for cheating by knowing that she cheated first…and maybe falling in love with someone else was worse than just sleeping around. I didn’t care about any of that; I did the right thing in the end. I had Audrey and Laurie was free to do whatever she wanted.

After the phone call, I spent the rest of the night relaxing in the living room with my parents and Dave. I went to bed that night hoping to dream of being with Audrey; something had to substitute for how much I missed her. She texted me around midnight because she couldn’t sleep and we texted back and forth for a few hours.

The next day, I slept until almost noon without even realizing it, probably since I was so up late talking to Audrey. I got up and went downstairs to found my mom cleaning the kitchen.

“Morning sleepyhead,” she greeted me.

“Wow, I didn’t even realize how late it was.”

“Well I heard something coming out of your room when I walked past around 3am.”

“Oh, I was texting with Audrey,” I responded. My mom made a face in response and I just looked at her, “what was that face, Mom?”

“What face, Jon?”

“The one you make any time I mention Aud. She’s coming here at the end of the summer whether you want her to or not.”

“I don’t want that girl in my house.”

“She’s not ‘that girl,’” I responded angrily, “she’s my girlfriend and I love her.”

“You’re 23 years old, you don’t know what love is.”

“You had no problem when I was twenty one and thought I loved Laurie.”

Almost as if on cue, there was a knock on the door. I looked over to see Laurie standing there. After our fight the day before, I didn’t want to even look at her. My mom went over and opened the door, letting Laurie into the house.

“Laurie, sweetie, hi,” she greeted her using the nicest voice.

“Hi Andree, how are you?”

“I’ve been better. Jon wants to bring Audrey into my house,” she said with a sound of disgust in her voice.

“That’s actually why I’m here,” Laurie responded and suddenly I became interested in what she had to say.

“Excuse me?”

“Andree, growing up, I loved Jon, but we grew apart…he and I both knew it, he just said it out loud first. I wasn’t exactly faithful to him before he even met her.”

“What?”

“Please, let me finish…Chicago wasn’t home to me and I used Jon’s fame and money to make it better. When I saw him with Audrey, I didn’t hate her. I hated that she was better for him than I was and that I was going to lose him…that’s why I faked the baby and that’s why I tried to scare her away. I’m sure Audrey is everything Jon says she is and I’m sorry I prevented you from giving her a chance.”

“Get out of my house,” my mother responded, I had never heard her use such a strong, commanding voice.

“Andree.”

“You lied to me and made me fight with my son. Get out of my house.”

Laurie walked out and I followed her, while my mother stood in the hallway staring at the front door.

“Laur…” I said softly.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“No, thank you. Thank you for coming clean.”

“Yesterday, you made me feel like I was going to lose you forever. Whatever has happened between us doesn’t change that I still care about you. I just hope that one day you can forgive me.”

“One day, I’ll try.”

“I love you, Jon…maybe not the way I used to or they way you love Audrey, but I do love you.”

“I know, we’ll talk another time. You’ve always been a part of my life and that doesn’t have to change.”

“Goodbye Jon.”

With that, Laurie left. I went back inside and hugged my mother. She didn’t have to say a word, but I knew that from that moment, she was ready to give Audrey a chance. The two most important women in my life were going to get a chance to know each other. I knew that finally, my mother would see everything that I did and know why I was in love with Audrey.