The Hardest Thing

I couldn’t help but wonder if Audrey’s friend knew something. I knew all about Kylie, but as far as I knew, Audrey liked to keep what we had a secret. After the game, I was still angry at myself and seeing Audrey made everything worse. I hated what I’d done to her and even more than that, I hated myself for doing it. Laurie clung to me as we were leaving the UC…she knew that I didn’t like to flaunt our relationship, but I wasn’t going to stop her. I didn’t know if she would get all hormonal, I knew nothing about pregnant women.

We went back to her apartment after the game. I needed to get out some of my frustration, I wanted to punch something, I wanted to scream….someone playing pee wee hockey could have played better than I did. I wanted Audrey to sit next to me, hold my hand, and tell me that everything would be okay. It was hard for her to do that when she hated me.

“What’s wrong with you, Jon?”

“I just played the worst game of my life, I’m a little frustrated.”

“I’ve never seen you get like this after a bad game.”

Yeah, that’s because I always go see Audrey first, I thought. Laurie came over to me and started to rub my shoulders. She would say the stereotypical stuff like “you’re so tense” and expect me to react. Maybe I used to think it was cute, but she didn’t have the best hands so that massage was actually just making me tenser. When I realized I was getting frustrated with Laurie for doing girlfriend-like things, I decided that I needed to change that; she was having my baby that meant I needed to be there for her 100%.

“Jonny, did the baby have anything to do with the way you played tonight?”

The baby made me give up the love of my life, “ is what I thought, but I told her that I didn’t know what happened, I was just incredibly distracted. I sat down on the couch next to Laurie and tried to make it feel like it used to, like when she first moved to Chicago. Laurie and I used to be completely in love; being around her used to make me smile, even after a few years of being together. Things changed recently and I didn’t think it even had to do with Audrey.

Even before she moved to Chicago, Laurie and I had an agreement to keep our relationship quiet. Of course our friends and families knew everything, but I didn’t want the fans and the press to know that I was in a serious relationship. My agent also told me that being single was a good way to get more endorsements. While I definitely didn’t play hockey for the money, I enjoyed doing magazines and commercials. It seemed like Laurie enjoyed the things that I would buy for her with the money I made from all of that.

Laurie turned on the TV and positioned herself with her head on my shoulder, I put my arm around her and she cuddled closer. She put on a romantic comedy, I didn’t know the title, they were all the same to me. She’d always loved them, so I took her to see them or I’d buy her the DVDs and watch them. She put her hand on my thigh and started rubbing in a soothing circular pattern. She was trying to comfort me, but I could tell that she was also trying to excite me. After about ten minutes, she noticed that there was no reaction. It’s not that I wasn’t attracted to Laurie, she was a gorgeous girl. She had wavy brown hair, warm hazel eyes with a speck of gold in them, and a smile that could like up a room. She was skinny and her boobs were larger than average; I had always been attracted to her.

Laurie seemed to be getting upset that I wasn’t turned on by her hand running over my thigh and moving upwards across my pants. She looked at me half upset and half concerned, but didn’t say a word; instead she straddled me on the couch and pressed her mouth to mine. Her lips tasted like fruity lip gloss. She opened her mouth against mine and our tongues started to explore each other’s mouths. I let my hands run up and down her back as she pressed herself into my lap. She was trying hard to elicit a reaction, but still nothing. At this point, I was even wondering what was going on, a beautiful girl wanted me and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to perform.

She got up off my lap and looked at me, “what’s going on with you Jon, don’t you want me anymore? Is being pregnant that much of a turn off?”

“I’ll always want you, Laurie,” I responded, and it was true, I was a 22 year old guy…sex was a big part of my life.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I’m just frustrated that’s all.”

Laurie stepped back over to me and got down on her knees in front of the couch. She unzipped my pants and took me into her mouth. She hungrily licked up and down my shaft until I was finally hard and ready. She continued to use her tongue swirling it against the tip; I put my head back in ecstasy as she worked her magic. I was about ready to hit breaking point when she removed her mouth from my dick and stood up. I watched her slide her panties off under her skirt, she moved her hips so sexy as she did it. Laurie then moved back and climbed on top of me, she bounced up and down making sure her tits were right at my eye level. It felt good to have her taking full control. I felt her tense up and she tightened up around me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I came right into her.

Afterwards I realized that we didn’t use a condom, but I guess we didn’t have to if she was already pregnant.

“You could at least look like you enjoy me,” she said.

“What are you talking about Laurie? That was amazing.”

“You used to make noises, she me that you were enjoying it. What changed, Jon? Do you not love me anymore?”

“Of course I love you, Laurie. I’ve always loved you.” It wasn’t a lie, I did love her, I just found a lover stronger and greater. A love that I threw away because I was going to be a dad and that was the one thing that mattered, “and I will unconditionally love our baby.”

Laurie’s face had a strange expression; I couldn’t quite figure out what it was until she spoke again. “So do you only love me because I’m having your baby?”

“I didn’t say that. I would love you no matter what…I’m just telling you that I am going to love our baby no matter what happens.”

“And you’ll love me.”

“Do you even have to ask me that?”

“Sometimes, I think I do, Jon.”

“Well you should know that I love you.”

“Maybe you should show it better. I would do anything for you and you know that, but lately, I’ve wondered if you feel the same.”

“Laurie…this is your hormones talking, you know that I love you.”

“Hormones? Really, Jon? Are you going to blame hormones for everything for the next nine months? Maybe you should go.”

“Laur…”

“Just go.”

I left that night confused by what had just happened. She just snapped on me, I hoped that it wouldn’t become a regular occurrence. I knew she was right though, I hadn’t been the best boyfriend to her lately. I didn’t spend nights at her place, I would leave and make up an excuse about early practice, then I’d go in the mornings when I left Audrey’s. Sleeping next to Audrey just always felt so right, sleeping next to Laurie was a different kind of comfortable…it was familiar.

When I got home that night, I stared up at Audrey’s window, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Not that it would make a difference, I would probably just have upset myself even more. I saw Kylie look out the window and the face she made when she saw me…I was pretty sure she figured everything out. Maybe it was better that way, Audrey would have someone to be there for her.

The next morning, I called Laurie to try to work everything out…it was such a stupid fight and I shouldn’t have even left. I asked her to meet me at a small café by the United Center when I got out of my morning practice. We set a time and she told me that she was getting coffee with a girlfriend first and would be there an hour beforehand. After practice, I quickly talked to Sharpy and he told me that I would eventually need to be honest with Laurie and deal with the consequences; this wasn’t something that we would want coming out once the baby was born. Laurie had to know that I was seeing someone else, but I could never tell her the extent.

When I arrived at the café, I remembered that it was right next to Audrey’s office building. I probably knew in the back of my mind when I picked it, I remembered that Audrey told me that she and Kylie went there for lunch pretty often. Pretty often also meant that morning, as I stepped out of my car on the street in front of the café, I saw Audrey and Kylie walking out. Audrey looked so perfect, but I could tell that she was not completely herself. She was upset and it was still my fault. We locked eyes and she quickly broke the eye contact and she continued to walk away.

“Audrey, I…” I started, but she wasn’t paying attention, I finished the sentence under my breath, “love you.”

Usually, I’m completely in control of my actions, but what I did next was completely unexplainable. I ran over to Audrey, grabbed her, and pressed my mouth to hers as hard as I could. I felt dizzy from her smell as I breathed her in and pulled away. “I’m sorry…I …I have to go,” I said as I quickly walked the other direction and headed into the café where I saw Laurie sitting at a table with her friend Rachel.