The Hardest Thing

one month later

The next month went by fast between work and starting my MBA classes. I was so busy that I didn’t have time to think about Jon or the way his kisses tasted or the way his morning breath felt on my neck. My life was too crazy to tear up any time I saw him get his mail when he got home from practice or replay that kiss on the street over and over in my head.

By the time I processed what happened that afternoon, Jon was gone. Kylie practically had to carry my dizzy, crying body back up to the office. I swore at that moment that I was done with him. Did he even have a clue how much it hurt me that he kissed me and then went straight to her?

A few times in that month my phone would ring in the middle of the night, the caller ID would read “Walt Whitman.” I never wanted his real name in my phone so we decided on Walt Whitman because I would often joke and say “oh captain, my captain.” All of the calls and texts came after three AM so I knew he was drunk. I ignored every call and deleted every text without reading it. He was doing the right thing by staying with Laurie, so I couldn’t expect him to ever come back to me.

Sometimes I would overhear things in the office about how the Hawks were playing. People often talked about Jon and how his game wasn’t always what he’s capable of. He was still one of the best players in the league, but he was off.

My life was all about work and school. I would spend my lunch break and weekends studying or preparing business plans, and my nights were spent at Northwestern. The people in my MBA program definitely helped make things easier. One guy in particular, Kevin, had become my partner on the first project. He worked all day too, but he always managed to seem laid back, he was a “go with the flow” kind of guy. He had blonde hair and blue eyes; Kevin was the exact opposite of Jon.

One Friday night after class, Kevin came up to me and said, “hey Aud, are you doing anything after class?”

“Just passing out, why? What’s up?”

“Do you want to grab coffee or something and look over this project?” he smiled and his friendly blue eyes sparkled.

“Sure,” I responded.

We went to a small café right next to campus. Conversation went from school to our jobs to just our lives in general. I, of course, left out that I was trying to recover from my heart being ripped out, torn in pieces, stomped on, and set on fire. I was genuinely having a good time, Kevin was a really great guy. For the first time in a while, I thought about someone other than Jonathan Toews. After a few hours of comfortable conversation, we noticed the employees cleaning up around us and realized it was probably time to get going.

“I had a great time tonight,” he started.

“So did I.”

“I was wondering…” he paused for a second, “would you wanna maybe go out tomorrow night?”

“Sure, I’d love to,” I said…I didn’t even have to think about it.

“Great! Dress casually, I’ll pick you up at 5.”

Five sounded early, but I accepted and he refused to tell me what we were doing. I found myself smiling and happy. I hadn’t felt that way in over a month and it was definitely a good feeling.

When I got home, I looked at my cell phone and found three missed calls and five texts, all from Kylie. She had gotten used to my new ways of burying myself in homework and studying all weekend that she worried when I didn’t answer right away.

“Oh my God, Audrey, where have you been? Why haven’t you answered your phone or called me back? I have been worried, you haven’t exactly been stable lately.”

“Don’t worry Kylie, I’m fine,” I laughed.

“Wait…was that…laughter? Audrey, explain.”

“Kevin and I went out for coffee after class…it was…I don’t know.”

“Aw Aud, that’s great! You need a new guy who doesn’t have a skanky bitch girlfriend.”

“Thank Ky…I’m actually going out with him again tomorrow.”

“Wow, call me after with the deets.”

“Will do…night.”

I fell asleep easily that night and actually slept through the night. My anticipation for the date wasn’t even nervousness, it was just excitement. Kevin was so much like me, I knew we would have a good time. Since it had been a while since I slept through the night, I let myself sleep until noon. Once I got up, I had something to eat then hopped in the shower.

I wasn’t quite sure what “dress casually” meant, so I called Kylie to be my fashion consultant. She arrived and started talking a mile a minute about the weather conditions and how I needed to dress for anywhere that Kevin could be taking me and how I still needed to look sexy. She started rummaging through my closet as the rambling continued. She even went through my underwear drawer and picked out my favorite matching baby blue lacy bra and panty set; a set I’d bought for Jon that he loved the first time he saw.

“Kyle, I’m not going to sleep with him.”

“Always be prepared.”

After about forty give minutes of tearing apart my wardrobe, she finally picked out give appropriate outfits. It was early February in Chicago, there was no way in hell I was wearing any of the miniskirts she pulled out. Then it was time for me to try everything on. Every time I came out, the comments ranged from “not enough cleave” to “those jeans are too loose.”

Eventually, we decided on a pair of light wash skinny jeans matched with a form fitting long black low cut v-neck sweater and my favorite black leather mid calf heels. Kylie then pulled out a simple silver necklace and matching earrings. The next thing I knew, she had plugged in my curling iron and was shuffling through my make-up drawer. I never had to put this much effort for Jon, when we met, I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, and I’m pretty sure my hair was all over the place. I also never had Kylie’s help…and often I didn’t have advance notice. In the end, my usually straight brown hair had a simple wave and my green eyes were highlighted with black eyeliner and a complimentary mix of green eye shadows. I had to admit, I looked great, but as the clock approached five my nerves starting to set in.

Kevin knocked on my front door only minutes after I kicked Kylie out. When I opened the door, I saw Jon walk by with his great and I couldn’t help but notice him look at me…and my date. Luckily, Kevin was too busy looking at me to see Chicago’s golden boy behind him.

“Wow Audrey, you look amazing.”

“Thanks, you look great too.”

It wasn’t a lie; Kevin cleaned up very well. He wore a nice fitting pair of jeans with a blue polo that made his eyes pop. His hair was perfectly styled and his usual sneakers were replaced by black leather shoes.

“So, where are we going?”

“Well first, I made reservations at a small restaurant called The Matchbook, it’s…”

“American fare with European flair,” I added laughing, “I didn’t know anyone else knew about that place, it’s one of my favorites.”

“Mine too,’ he responded as he took my hand, leading me to his car. He drove a silver Audi A6, one of my favorite cars. It was in pristine condition. I was surprised when he opened the passenger door for me. Across the parking lot, I noticed that familiar SUV idling, the driver watching me. I vowed not to let him ruin my night.

Conversation flowed easily as we drove to the restaurant and waited to be seated. I didn’t have to look at the menu to know what I wanted and apparently neither did Kevin. We both ordered a filet mignon with garlic mashed and broccoli with a side salad and house dressing. It was almost creepy; the waitress laughed in amusement as Kevin and I just looked at each other. Dinner was excellent and Kevin and I have a great conversation about how similar our lives were. Before I could even offer to pay half of the bill, Kevin handed the waitress his credit card.

“So what’s next?” I asked.

“I have 200 level seats to the Blackhawks game tonight. They’re playing Dallas…I wasn’t sure if you liked hockey, but these tickets are hard to come by since they won the Stanley Cup,” my face must have been showing the thoughts going through my head. In the time I was with Jon, I never went to a game, now this was my second one in a month, “are you okay? If you don’t want to go, we can do something else. My friend just gave me these tickets…”

“No, it’s okay, a hockey game sounds like fun,” I lied because I could tell that he was excited. If I was with Kevin, I knew I would have fun…at least that’s what I kept telling myself. The seats were far enough away that I most likely couldn’t be seen from the ice. He wouldn’t even know that I was there. Before we left the restaurant, Kevin excused himself to the bathroom and I quickly texted Kylie.

Me: he has tickets to the Hawks game.
Kylie: aw I’m sorry hun, it’ll be fine. If not, I’ll kill Jon myself. Call me if you need a getaway XOXO.

Kevin came back and we headed to the UC. Parking took forever, but eventually we got a spot and headed inside. Our seats had a great view of the ice, but I didn’t think the guys on the ice could see us at all, though my outfit stuck out like a sore thumb in the crowd of red and white jerseys. Unfortunately, I was proven wrong when I saw #10 look up at me then call over #7 and say something…both of them had their eyes on me. They both then seemed to be making sure Jon didn’t look in my direction. I let myself get lost talking to Kevin throughout the rest of warm ups. When the game started, Kevin got very into it. I thought it was adorable and I found myself cheering along and dancing to Chelsea Dagger. I had almost forgotten about the guy on the ice.

After the second period, I got up to use the ladies’ room. When I walked out of the stall, I overheard a voice say “Laur, you’re supposed to be pregnant, you probably shouldn’t be doing shots.”

“It’s the only way I can sit through another one of these damn hockey games.”

Laurie must have seen that I could hear her because she walked over to me when I was washing my hands.

“Never thought you’d show your face here.”

“Excuse me?”

“Look, I know who you are and I want you to stay far away from Jon. He’s mine and always will be, so don’t think you have a chance and don’t bother dressing like that you homewrecking slut. He never loved you, just so you know.”

It took everything I had to maintain my full composure; I couldn’t get angry and I couldn’t cry. I responded very calmly with “good luck with your fake baby,” and walked out of the bathroom without even looking back. I went back to Kevin with my mind going crazy wondering how Laurie knew so much and if Jon told her anything about me. Even when we were just friends, Laurie didn’t know because she was the jealous type. I knew that Jon and I were over, but something was making Laurie insecure about it.

Kevin could tell something was off, but I told him that I was fine and we watched the third period together. The Hawks ended up losing 2-1 and Kevin led me by the hand out of the UC. We went straight back to my condo and I invited him inside.

“Are you sure nothing happened when you got up before,” he asked again.

“I’m fine Kev, are you gonna come inside?”

He finally dropped it and go out of the car; I laced my fingers with his and led him into the house. I gave a quick tour that ended by the bar next to my living room window. I offered Kevin a drink, but instead he pulled the hand he was holding closer to him and took his free hand and used it to brush my hair out of my face. Our eyes met and Kevin pressed his lips firmly against mine. He let go of my hand and slid his arms around my waist, I put my arms around his neck and allowed him to deepen the kiss. Our tongues met and began to explore each other’s mouths. Kevin was a very talented kisser, but there was no dizziness, there were no butterflies…he wasn’t Jon.