The Hardest Thing

It had been 29 days since I kissed her outside of her office…33 days since I told the hardest lie of my life; I still don’t know how I managed to walk away pretending I didn’t love her. After way too many games in the past month, I had more drinks than I should have and called her or texted her. I just wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to see those beautiful emerald eyes staring into mine.

I knew that I should ask Laurie to move in with me, she was having my baby and I wasn’t being fair to her, but I didn’t want her living that close to Audrey. I always wondered if she saw me kiss Audrey on that Thursday afternoon. When I walked in the café, she was at a table in the back with no view of the window. We made up from the stupid fight from the night before and I promised Laurie and myself that I’d focus on her and on the baby. In the first month, I was trying my best to uphold that promise.

“Laurie, I have to head to the rink, am I picking you up or do you want to meet me there?” I asked her on the phone while I finished getting my stuff together.

“Pick me up, I’d like to get there with you.”

“Okay, I’m leaving now, be ready when I get there.”

I left immediately and as I walked past Audrey’s front door I saw some Ken doll standing there. Then I saw Audrey through the corner of my eye; she looked absolutely gorgeous, I actually lost my breath when I saw her. I started walking faster, I had to go pick up my girlfriend and get to my game…she was the girl who was pregnant with my child and not the girl who had a date with a guy who wasn’t me.

I sat in my car for a few minutes reading texts from Laurie that I needed to give her more time to get ready. I responded that I didn’t have time; when I looked up to get ready to pull out of my parking spot, I saw Audrey getting into Ken doll’s car. I hated it even though I knew I didn’t have the right to.

Laurie wasn’t ready when I got to her apartment; she knew that I had to get to the rink. I was the captain of the team and I needed to set an example, I couldn’t be late. After 10 minutes, she finally came outside way too dolled up for a hockey game.

“Hey baby,” she said, kissing me as she got in the car.

“You’re a little overdressed,” I said, “but you look great,” I quickly added, knowing Laurie would be offended if I didn’t compliment her.

“Thanks, I have to look good before I lose my figure.”

I had noticed recently that she hadn’t gained any weight and she seemed to be having an easy pregnancy. I would stay with her no matter what she looked like though. As we were getting close to the UC, she asked if we could get fresh air since she wasn’t feeling well. I opened the windows of the car and they remained open as we drove through the fans already crowding outside. Up until recently, I liked to hide my personal life; I pretended to be single the press, I mostly did it to protect Laurie from the crazy fan girls…but I partially did it because I wanted to think I was available to be in love with Audrey.

I kissed Laurie goodbye as I went into the dressing room to get ready for the game. When I got there, Sharpy immediately came over to me and asked what was wrong. I didn’t know that I even looked off, but ever since I told him about Audrey, he was able to tell.

“She had a date tonight,” I told him.

“You ended it, Tazer…you can’t really have a say in what she does.”

At this point, Seabrook had come over and joined our conversation. One of the nights we had a road game and I drank too much, I told him about Audrey. I knew he wouldn’t say anything to anyone else, so I left it at that. Seabs agreed with Sharpy that I did end things with Audrey and it was probably for the best that she was moving on; maybe it would make it easier for me to move on.

During warm ups before the game, I saw Sharpy go over to Seabs and they were looking up into the crowd. I skated over to them and asked what was going on, but both of them froze up immediately. They tried to get me to look into the stands on the other side and they made jokes about Burish warming up with the opposing team, but I wanted to know what was going on. I looked up into the 200s and there she was; Audrey and the Ken doll were holding hands.

“She’s gorgeous, dude,” Seabs said.

“Helpful Seabsie,” Sharpy responded, “but look over there, Tazer,” he added pointing towards Laurie, “one day soon, you’re going to have a child with her and then everything’s going to change.”

He was right…everything was going to change. Everything already was changing, my eyes were constantly drawn to Audrey, but she looked like she was having such a great time with this guy. I channeled everything I had into the game that night; I managed to set my mind to hockey and nothing else…it was the only way I would survive the night. I scored the only goal for our team that night, it tied the game – unfortunately my former teammate wearing #16 for Dallas scored the game winning goal.

After the game, I found Laurie giggling with her friends walking towards the locker room. I asked her what was so funny and she said not to worry about it, that she took care of a problem. I had no idea what that meant, but it wasn’t worth asking. Laurie grabbed my hand and led me to my car, saying goodbye to her friends. As I pulled out of the UC, she opened the windows and I felt her lean over and kiss my cheek as we drove through the fans.

“Laurie, please, I just want to get home.”

“I’m sorry if I want to show affection towards my boyfriend.”

“It’s not that, Laurie, I just don’t want to flaunt this.”

I picked the wrong words and she seemed upset. I quickly apologized and I told her how important she was to me and how I wanted to protect our relationship from outside forces. I managed to talk myself out of the hole I dug and Laurie seemed content. There was something about the look in her eyes though; it was almost smug. I felt like I was missing something, but I often felt that way when it came to Laurie ever since she got pregnant. She would talk in hushed tones on the phone with her friends and she would be texting constantly. When I told her that I was going to tell my parents about the baby, she quickly stopped me; she said she didn’t want them to lose respect for her. They would find out eventually, but she wanted to figure out the best way to tell them.

When I brought her home, I kissed her gently goodbye from the car. She asked if I wanted to come inside, but I was exhausted. I kissed her again and she deepened the kiss; she kissed me with such urgency, I felt like she was trying to make me fall in love with her all over again. Maybe I needed that…but I still just wanted to say goodbye and get home.

I got home and looked up at Audrey’s window out of habit; what I saw will probably be burned in my mind forever. She was making out with the Ken doll right in front of the window. I told myself that I didn’t have the right to be upset, I had been making out with Laurie in my car just twenty minutes prior; I couldn’t hold a double standard…especially when I told Audrey that I didn’t love her…something I still had to convince myself was true.