Married To The Mafia...?

The black shadow of depression hung over absolutely everything. It never once left my side, instead it tortured everything I did, everything I touched, said, thought. 

A distant tick of the clock upon the wall reminded me of the haunting enemy. Of time passing, or the world moving on while I couldn't.

"Amelia, you've been in here for hours." Emmanuel spoke tiredly, the heel of his palm rubbing at his red eyes. "It's getting late."

"There has to be something here." I felt the croak in my throat and kept my eyes down on the mountains of paper work. "I know you don't believe it, I know you think I'm going crazy but it's here it has to be."

"You need to stop looking for proof that he's alive and start mourning."

I didn't respond, only searched harder. It was like a disease, this burning desire that racked through my entire body. I was an addict of hope, a slave to my want and need for Ethan to be alive.

"Amelia." Antonio Radev stepped quietly into the office. Ever since Ethan's death Antonio had stepped up to be acting chairman of the hotel, which meant late nights inside our offices. "You need to rest."

"Just tell me." My eyes were already growing wet with my pleas as my father-in-law sat opposite me. "Please, just say he's on a assignment. Just tell me it's pretend and that he is here." Antonio placed his hand upon mine but I pulled away and continued. "I can keep a secret you know I can. Just tell me where he is."

"I wish I could, I want to. But the truth is that he isn't on an assignment Amelia, he isn't just hiding or doing something under cover. He's gone love. He's gone so far that he won't ever come home. You need to let this go, you need to let him go. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on him to hold on for so long."

"I-I can't." I felt the block in my throat grow and the tears fall slowly down my cheeks. "I don't know how."

"You don't know how because you won't let yourself." 

To a degree he was right. I knew deep down that Ethan was gone, I'd watched everyone else face the truth, hurt and begin to move on while I was still in denial. I didn't let myself let go because I physically couldn't. Ethan had become my everything over the past two years. No matter how many times I swore I hated him, how much I begged and pleaded to find a way out of the arrangement, I knew deep down I had fallen in love with Ethan well before we said 'i do.'

"I'm too afraid." I looked down at my hands not daring enough to look up at Antonio's sad eyes. "I can't do all of this by myself. I can't be alone and he wouldn't make me. He wouldn't let this happen Antonio, he wouldn't leave me by myself."

"He didn't leave you by yourself Amelia. He didn't want to go, it wasn't his choice."

"He could have fought. He could have fought harder, he could have come home. He was smarter than that!" 

"Amelia-"

"No." I felt the sob shaking my entire body, the hot tears pouring over my cheeks, the ache doubling and thundering in my chest. That damp blanket of depression suffocating the want for life from my bones. "You're wrong. He should have done everything to get back to us, to me. He didn't fight hard enough, he didn't do everything he possibly could and because of that I'm alone. Because of him I hurt every second of every day."

My voice was gone, drowned in sobs as Antonio stood from the table, moving slowly around to comfort me. His warm arms holding me close, his soft voice whispering that everything would be okay.

I sobbed myself into a complete state, the denial had completely rid itself from my body and in it's place stood whole hearted heartbreak. It thundered in every inch of my veins, pushed it's way inside every pore.

"You need to let go love. You need to let him go, you have to live. He wouldn't have wanted you not to."

Tightly I clutched to Antonio, in so many ways he reminded me of my late husband. The way he knew what to say, the way his arms seemed a size too big around my shoulders. But Ethan would always be something else.

Antonio let me go moments later, he left a kiss upon my head and walked me slowly to the elevator shaft, he hugged me tightly and pushed me inside letting me face the cold empty penthouse alone. 

As soon as I stepped inside the smell of Ethan's cologne wafted over everything. It dried the still wet tears upon my cheeks and clung to the ache of my heart soothingly. It was as if he'd just stepped out of the shower, hair still damp, after shave and cologne freshly patted upon his textured skin.

Within seconds the black shadow of depression clung to everything around me. It taunted me from behind walls and inside corners. But there was something else, a peace in the middle of the air and it rained down like nothing else. I knew what it was and it broke my heart, it was the feeling of my grip loosening; I was letting go and no matter what, things were eventually going to be okay.