This Is a Reason for Broken Wings

I stared after my brothers retreating back and jumped a bit when he slammed the door behind him. I had already known that he wasn't going to be one bit happy with me staying here and with my smart ass attitude, I just added more fuel to the fire. I bet you're wondering why the fuck I act the way I do, huh? To tell you the truth, I honestly don't know.

After our father passed away it was as if he took all my reasoning and sanity with him. I guess it was because of the fact that there comes a point in your life when you have to say goodbye to some one or something that you love. And I guess it wasn't until our dad passed away that I realized this. I had loved my father, mother, and brother with all that I had; don't get me wrong, I still do love them all with every single last ounce of my heart, although I sure as hell don't act like it.

But when I lost my father, I became afraid...afraid of losing someone so close to my heart once again. So instead I closed myself off from the rest of the world, emerging later as some cold hearted bitch that didn't give a fuck about anything. I thought that if I kept myself getting attached to anybody and vice versa then I wouldn't have to endure the heartbreak and sorrow that I had experienced when I lost my dad.

As the years went by I guess I got a carried away with my own rules and started to not only careless about those around me but my own self as well. I got into the drugs, the alcohol, and the sex... You name it and chances are that I've done it. Many times I looked at myself in the mirror and hung my head in shame because of the fact that I had become the very thing that I never wanted to be.

As much as I wanted to stop my foolishness, I didn't posses the will to change my ways. I was trapped inside my own demented mind and nobody could hear my cries of help no matter how much I screamed my lungs out. And now, here I am, a 20 year old chick who spends most of her time pushing people away, rather than giving them the love they deserve.

I slowly pulled my stuff out and began to set them up around the room. I piled my pants, socks, bras, and panties into the dresser across the room from my bed and opened up the closet searching for some hangers for my shirts. I wrinkled my nose as I saw there were none in there and I took my chances, heading downstairs to ask my brother for some. I found him in the living room, watching From Dusk Til Dawn. He turned around to glare at me when he realized I was standing there.

"Um...Do you have any extra hangers?" I asked quietly, avoiding his glare.

I didn't know what it was, but ever since I set foot inside Zacky's house it seemed as if the weight of all the shit I've put everyone else through these past five years was bearing down on me, making me realize now, more than ever, what a fuck up I was. And I admit...what a shitty feeling that was.

"There's some extra ones in my closet." He said stiffly, turning back to the television.

I sighed and made my way back up the stairs and walked slowly into his room. I fumbled around in the dark running my hand along the wall, searching for the light switch. I finally found it and clicked it on, the light falling down upon a rather messy room that had guitars and dirty clothes scattered everywhere. I made my way over to the closet and pulled it open finding more than enough hangers in there for my shirts. I grabbed a bunch and turned around, weaving through my brothers mess room when my eyes caught on a picture frame sitting on his bedside table.

It was a picture of me, Zacky, our mom, and our dad spending a day at Six Flags Magic Mountain. It was pretty much the last day we spent with our dad. That night our mom woke me and Zacky up around 2:30 in the morning to tell us that they were taking our dad to the hospital because we was complaining that he couldn't feel anything from his chin to the tips of his right arm. She assured us not to worry but just wanted to let us know where they were going. About three hours later Zacky woke me up to tell me that our father was gone. Apparently he had some clogged arteries that led o his heart and his heart failed two hour after he showed symptoms.

"What are you doing?" Zacky's voice cut through my thoughts.

I tore my eyes are from the picture and saw my brother standing in the doorway, narrowing his eyes at me.

"Nothing." I mumbled and shoved my way past him, walking across the hallway to my room.

I admit I really did miss my brother a lot; I missed the times we used to spend talking about nothing in general and I missed hanging out with him. But I'm a heartless bitch remember? I can't be showing those feelings...

I finished putting my clothes away and pulled on some clothes to sleep in, heading back downstairs. I found my brother sitting in the living room once again and that Johnny and Syn were in there as well.

"Now what do you want?" Zacky asked, turning to look at me standing beside the couch.

"Fuck, nothing now bitch. I was just gonna tell you good night but you could just fuck off I guess." I snapped and turned around, heading straight back up to my room, slamming the door shut behind me.

I started cussing around to myself as I get my bed ready and climbed in, pulling the blankets up over my nose. Suddenly there was a knock on the door; I figured it was Zacky.

"Go the fuck away and leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled but much to my dismay I watched the doorknob turn and soon my brother was standing in the doorway.

I quickly shut my eyes and rolled over with my back to him.

"What? Are you asleep now?" He asked sarcastically.

"Yes." I mumbled.

"You sleep with the light on? What, are you afraid of the dark too now?" He asked annoying, referring to my room that was still bright as fuck.

"What do you want Zacky." I asked quietly, as I felt the bed shift from his weight.

"Lauren, look at me." He said sternly.

"Why?"

"Damn it Lauren, just look at me."

I sighed and rolled over, staring intently at my brother's heavily tattooed arm.

"Lauren." He repeated softly.

I looked up at him and saw that his expression had softened from earlier as well.

"What Zacky?" I mumbled, my voice muffled by my blankets.

"What the hell are you doing with your life?" He asked quietly.

I shook my head and rolled on my side, turning my back to him once again.

"Do you seriously have no love left in you at all? Is this really your true colors or are you hiding from something?" He asked, getting up and walked around the side of the bed and grabbed a hold of my chin, making me look at him.

"Let go of me." I mumbled, trying to pull away.

"Why do you do this? Why do you shut people out and fucking abuse them like you do?"

"You wouldn't understand." I said, looking down.

"Try me."

- || Zacky's POV || -

"Try me." I said as Lauren tore her eyes from mine.

She placed her hand gently on mine, that still had a hold of her chin, and wrapped her hand around it, pulling it away from herself.

"I'd rather not." She said and rolled over to her other side. I sighed in defeated and got up, walking over to the door.

"Good night Lauren." I said as I shut off the light.

"Good night." I heard her whisper softly, so softly that it was almost as if it was never even there.

I sighed once again and pulled the door close behind me. I went back downstairs and found Syn and Johnny yawning on the couch.

"Yo, are you guys gonna crash here or what?" I asked them.

"Yeah, I think so." Johnny said, stifling a yawn again.

"Alright...Just make sure you stay away from the room across from mine, that's Lauren's room now." I said.

"Oh really?" Johnny smirked.

"You're a pervert Johnny." Syn snickered.

"What? You'd fucking be lying if you said that you didn't think she was hot as hell yourself Syn."

"Well, I'm not gonna deny she's hot but-"

"Okay, you guys quit talking about my fucking sister like that. And Johnny, make sure you stay the hell away from her room. I swear if I catch you going anywhere near her door you're dead...that is if she doesn't kill you first." I stated. "And even if she wasn't a cold hearted bitch...she wouldn't get with you anyways." I added.

"Why not?" Johnny asked defensively.

"Because she doesn't get with younger guys." I smirked.

Syn and I laughed as Johnny cursed under his breath.

"I don't know what you're laughing at Syn. I'd hate to say this but you don't have a chance with her either." I laughed.

"What? Why?"

"Well, I'm not saying that she wouldn't go for you but you don't have a chance because I'm not gonna let that happen."

"Man, you're a motherfuckin party pooper." He mumbled. "Why are you getting so protective over her now anyway? I thought that you didn't give a damn about her anymore."

"Well...that was before I saw that there was still a bit of the old Lauren still hidden deep down inside her shallow head."

About half an hour later Johnny and Syn had disappeared upstairs and I was making sure all the doors were locked. I headed upstairs and walked into my dark room. I didn't need to turn on the light; I already knew that way around the piles of dirty clothes in my room by heart. I stopped just before the edge of my bed and stripped down to my boxers and climbed in bed.

"Zacky." A voice whispered as an ice cold hand rested on my shoulder.

"Holy shit!" I yelled, jumping back out of bed.

My eyes finally adjusted to the dark and I saw Lauren sitting there on the side of my bed.

"Zacky...I'm scared." She said quietly, looking down at my sheets.

"I...w-what? Of the...of what? The dark?" I asked, holding my hand over my heart.

"You asked why I am the way I am." She said, finally looking up at me.

I reached over and turned on the lamp beside my bed and sat down beside Lauren.

"What are you scared of?" I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm scared of giving all my love away to someone because I know that in the end they'll just end up leaving me." She mumbled.

"Lauren." I said gently, understanding what she was talking about...she was talking about our dad. "I know it's painful to think about but that's the way life goes. But you can't sit around pushing everybody away because you're scared. I know how much it hurts to lose somebody you love, Lauren, I remember when dad passed away too you know. But I didn't let it stop me from continuing to love those around me." I said quietly.

"You don't love me anymore though." She mumbled as a tear fell from her eye.

"There was a time when I didn't." I whispered as I reached over to wipe the tear away.
- || End of Zacky's POV || -

I looked up at Zacky with hurt in my eyes.

"But that time is gone now." He said, pulling me into a hug.

It was weird because Zacky and I haven't hug since...well, forever it seemed like.

"Zacky, I'll try to change...But it's gonna be hard for me." I mumbled, resting my head against his chest.

"Shh...I know."

As much as I wanted to think he knew how hard it was, I didn't think Zacky fully understood how fucked up my mind was.