Keep Me Together

[This song]

“Do you and your parents often talk about her, Elenia?” he asked her.
Elenia shook her head. “No, not anymore. Mama and I sometimes do, but dad hasn’t mentioned her in years. I think he has forgotten about her,” she looked away from his intruding stare; she felt like he could read her every thought.

The therapist shook his head. “A parent can never get over the loss of a child.”
She raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you know? Have you lost a daughter?”
“No, but I’ve read about it,” he said and made her laugh in sarcasm.
“You read about it.”

He sighed and went back to the subject. “Why do you think your father stopped talking about Olivia?”
“I already told you; he’s forgotten about her,” she crossed her arms across her chest.
“Have you wondered if it is because he doesn’t know how to bring the subject up? It’s common that dads find it difficult to talk with their teenage daughters.”

“My daddy is a great father,” Elenia got defensive. “He’s a little stern, but he loves me and I love him.”
“I didn’t say that,” the therapist said patiently. “I don’t doubt that he loves you. Maybe he’s scared for you. After all you’ve been through he can feel that you have changed.”

“What are you saying?” she asked him. “That my daddy doesn’t know me?”
He nodded. “Have you talked with him about the rape?”
Elenia flinched at the word. She detested it. “No,” she said and looked ambushed. “But he was there…” she trailed off. “He was there when Seth held me…”

Elenia stared at her therapist with upset eyes. “I didn’t let him hold me at all,” She whispered. “I only stayed with Seth.”
“Talk to him,” he suggested.

“Hey Daddy,” Elenia walked up to her father and gave him a hug when he returned home from work. “Can we go for a walk? You haven’t taken me to the apple three in ages,” She grinned at him and hid her own surprise when she realized how much older he looked. But even so, he looked good for his forty-four years.

“Maybe later, I’m tired,” Paul sighed but kissed her forehead before he turned and put his gun belt away.
Elenia frowned. “Dad, we need to talk.”
He turned to face her with an alerted look on his face. “Is something wrong?”
Elenia was about to shake her head but stopped. She lifted her shoulders before she let them drop.

“Yeah, kind off,” she replied instead. “I miss my daddy.”
Paul’s eyes softened and he brushed his rough fingers over her soft cheek. “I’ll change and we’ll get going.”

~~~

They walked side by side down the road. Paul held Elenia’s hand tightly and stared down at her with curious eyes. A grin made its way onto Elenia’s lips as they stepped off the road and headed in the direction of the big field.

“It’s so beautiful here,” Elenia said and sat down with her back against the apple tree’s wide trunk.
Paul smiled. “I don’t think I ever told you how special this place is for me and your mama.”
Elenia gazed at him before she closed her eyes and focused only on his hand and voice.

“This was the place where I first phased in front of her and told her the truth,” Paul said softly. “She was terrified, but she loved me enough to still be my girlfriend.”
“Was it really that easy?” Elenia wondered.
Paul shook his head and laughed. “It was until I went and jumped off the cliff with her in my arms.”
Elenia got goose-bumps on her arms but laughed loudly. “You did that?”

“Yeah, I was a jackass madly in love,” he said. “But your mama changed me. Taught me how to handle tears and pain, and love.”
“A jackass?” she questioned him. “I thought you always were kind.”
“No, I was far from kind. Flunked my senior year and had to repeat; my mom was frustrated with me. I also fucked around a lot of girls,” he confessed.

Elenia grimaced. “Eew, dad, I really don’t want to hear about your sex-life.”
Paul chuckled and ruffled her hair. “I think I know what you want to talk about, and I have to tell you about my past so you can understand me better.”
“Fine,” she said silently.

“I was mad at that boy when you came home and Seth told us what that boy had done to you. No, mad doesn’t even start to cover how I felt, but I also felt bad for how I fucked around when I was a teenager. I never forced a girl to sleep with me, but I hurt them all badly; I never called them or met them twice. It was all just a game for me; I did it because I could,” he paused. “And I can’t help but wonder if I’d talked to you about how stupid teenage boys are you could have been spared.”

Elenia shook her head slowly. “I don’t think that would have made any difference, dad.”
“Were you a virgin when it happened?” he asked her.
Elenia didn’t answer for a minute and Paul let her be, knowing she would tell him only if she wanted.

“Yeah, I was. Derek wanted too, but I wanted to wait. I didn’t want to disappoint you or mama,” she said and pulled her knees up against her chest.
Paul sighed and pulled Elenia against his own chest and wrapped his arms around her.

“I thought you and Seth…” he trailed off.
“No,” she shook her head. “I had no romantic feelings towards him before the rape. It came after wards. And I wanted to have sex with him, ‘cause I really love him, but Seth thought it was best if we waited and…” she trailed off and buried her face in his chest.

Paul worked hard to keep his anger and breath under control as he listened to his daughter talk about having sex.
Elenia continued. “And then I screwed up and had sex with Austin.”
“Miri’s boyfriend?” he asked her.
She nodded. “Yeah, and then I told Seth. That’s the reason he left.”

“I’m sorry, princess,” Paul whispered against her hair. He remembered the months he’d spent away from Elia and knew how much Elenia had been hurting.
“It’s okay now. But,” she leaned against the tree again and stared up in the tall branches. “Seth and I tried to have sex when he got back, but it didn’t work. I flipped out and thought he was Kenny.”

Paul brushed his hand over her hair. “Was Seth angry at you?”
Elenia stared at him in shock for a few seconds. “Of course not; he loves me.”
“Okay,” Paul said and looked away.
“What do you have against me being with him, beside the age difference, dad?”

Paul sighed and ran his hands through his black hair. It was starting to turn gray at his temples. “I don’t want you to grow up to fast, Leni. I don’t ever want you to grow up.”
She laughed lightly. “I’m only eighteen, dad.”
He didn’t say anything and they were silent for many minutes as Elenia gained courage to speak of what she’d originally planned to speak off.

“Do you ever think of her?” she asked him.
Paul nodded silently, knowing exactly who Elenia was referring to.
“Why don’t you ever speak of her anymore, daddy?” she asked him as her throat tightened.
A tear ran down Paul’s cheek and he closed his eyes. “Because it still hurts so badly.”

Elenia held his hand between both of hers and crawled close to his side.
“And I’m afraid you’ll get upset if I mention her too much,” he continued. “I hate seeing my princess upset.”
Elenia smiled weakly. “But I miss talking about her. I’m terrified to forget.”
Paul pulled her up by her shoulders and stared intensely into her eyes. “Olivia will never be forgotten, Elenia, she’s in her,” he pointed a finger to his chest. “And in here,” he said and pointed to her head.

“Yeah, but she’s not here,” Elenia threw her hands out and looked around.
“Maybe not, but Olivia will never be forgotten!” He said sternly to her and held her eyes for many minutes and watched as her eyes filled with tears. Paul pulled her to his chest and held her tightly.
“I don’t want it to hurt anymore, daddy,” she whispered.

Paul brushed his hand over her hair repeatedly as he wondered how to reply. “The sorrow will always stay, but maybe one day it will be a good sorrow. You still have all the happy memories, more happy than unhappy. Life would have been better if Livvy was alive, but sometimes we just gotta make the most out of the things we have. But we’ll keep our head held high and smile at the memories we have from her time.”

Elenia smiled through her tears and hugged her daddy close. Wise words from a man that lived a rough life.
“I love you, daddy,” she whispered.
“And I love you too, Princess.”

They sat next to each other for a long while, talking about everything and nothing. Her father’s warm hand was safe and familiar. Elenia felt like a little girl again, and she pictured herself and Olivia all those years ago when they ran around and played on the field in front of her. All the picnics they’d been on with their parents. Elenia closed her eyes and drew in the scent of old pine trees and smiled.

It came to her out of the blue; she hadn’t really thought about it much, but she figured this was a good time to tell her father.
“Hey, dad,” she said carefully. “Seth and I are engaged.

Elenia watched as Paul’s face paled and his eyes went wide.