Keep Me Together

[This song]

”If you could change anything in your life, Elenia, to get a second chance at anything, what would you chose if we look away from the rape and the loss of your sister?” he asked her.
Elenia stared at the strange painting on the wall as she thought. “Jeez, you know how to ask the complicated questions,” she joked, but he only held her eyes without replying, waiting for her answer.

“Being a better sister for Robbie, a better daughter to my parents and a better girlfriend to Seth,” she said and looked down at her hands.
“You realize that none of those things have anything to do with your sister or the rape, these are things caused by your low self-esteem,” he told her.
Elenia sighed and ran her hands through her hair. “I know that here and now, when we sit here and talk, but I forget that, or don’t believe it when I’m with them.”

“Do you think you are ready to talk about Olivia’s death now?”
Elenia froze and shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears. “No, not yet.”
“The rape?” he continued to ask.
She sighed again. “I don’t know what’s there to say. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel so guilty. And so, so angry. It helps being around Seth, because he is so kind and sweet and understanding and I know how much he loves me. But I can’t help but wonder if we’ll ever get to make love to each other. I’m scared.”

Her therapist clicked his pen, a habit that showed he was thinking. “The rape was a trauma for you and with Austin…” he trailed off. “You weren’t there mentally.”
She furrowed her brows. “What are you saying?”
“You haven’t slept with or had sex or made love with anyone if we look at it that way. You are pressuring yourself into something you may not be ready for.”

“But I want it. I want him. So badly,” she clenched her fists.
“I think the best thing right now would be if you forgot all about having sex, just to take the pressure off.”
“But…” She stared at him wide eyed before she groaned. “Can’t you just say or do or give me something that makes me forget everything that happened? Or reveal a secret trick that makes it all easier.”

He chuckled, but stopped when he saw the seriousness in her eyes. “Relive her death,” he said.
Elenia practically gasped for air as she felt the impact of his words.
“But let her go this time, Elenia. Take Seth with you and you’ll know you’re safe.”

“What if I break?” her voice was merely a whisper.
“You’re stronger than that, Elenia.”

Elenia spotted Seth easily in the parking lot outside the hospital. He stood against his car with his arms crossed but a look of patience in his eyes. She saw the smile that appeared on his face when he saw her too, but she quickly hid her face behind her flowing hair. He didn’t need to see her tear filled eyes.

“Hey beautiful,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her.
“Hi,” she whispered with quivering lips.
Seth cupped her face with alerted eyes. “What happened, Leni?”
She stared up at him. “I- I. You have to take me to First Beach.”
“Are you sure?” he asked her.
Elenia nodded. “Yeah, there’s something I gotta do, but I need your help.”
“I’ll do anything for you,” Seth said and kissed her softly.

~~~

Elenia held onto Seth’s hand tightly as they stood next to each other on the beach. Elenia’s whole body was shaking from suppressed tears and pain. The memory was crystal clear after her therapist’s words. Seth moved to stand behind her and wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m right here, everything is okay,” he whispered to her.
“He said I have to relive it,” her voice was strained. “I have to let go this time.”
“You can do it, Leni, I’m right here,” he repeated.

“We both knew we weren’t allowed to visit the beach alone, but it was so sunny out and we were bored,” Elenia said in a low voice; her own voice taking her thirteen years back in time. “We were building a sandcastle; it was almost as tall as us. We were the princesses. Olivia wore her pink princess dress; mine were blue. We felt like princesses. The air got colder, but it didn’t bother us, we were having too much fun.”

Elenia remembered Olivia’s laughter, her smile and dimpled cheek. She was happy that day, Elenia was sure of it, as blissful as a child can be. A sad smile made its way onto her lips when she thought about it; Olivia died in happiness. That day was the best and the worst day of her life.

The wind caught her hair and made it twirl; a cold breeze grazed her hand. Elenia stared out on the open sea. The day was beautiful, so similar to that fatal day.

“She’s here,” Elenia breathed. “She is with me,” tears rolled down her cheeks.
Elenia closed her eyes and let herself drift. She no longer took notice of Seth behind her.

Elenia wasn’t surprised when she opened her eyes again and saw a tall girl with long dark brown hair and gray eyes stand in front of her. Olivia was smiling at her, her dimple showing. Elenia smiled back at her and stretched her arms out to touch her. Her arms got goose bumps when she felt the texture of the beautiful pink dress, her warm skin. Olivia tilted her head to the side but kept smiling.

“I miss you, Livvy,” Elenia said, her voice stronger than she’d imagine it would have been.
“I miss you as well, Leni,” Olivia breathed and took a hold of Elenia’s hand. “You have to keep talking. Tell our tale.”

Elenia stared into her sister’s eyes as she spoke, Olivia’s strength transferring to her. “I thought we needed a moat around our castle, you disagreed with me, ‘cause you knew we shouldn’t go closer to the water. I didn’t listen to you, because the waves were small that day. I held the bucket in one hand and held my dress up with the other. There was a rock hidden under a thin layer of wet sand,” Elenia shivered and stared at Olivia with pleading eyes. “I didn’t see it, I swear, Livvy.”

“I slipped on it. The beach is quite steep exactly there and I was pulled out and under by the underwater currents. My lungs were filled with the salty sand filled water and I realized then that I was dying. But something pulled me back and I could feel the ground under my weak feet again. I dragged myself further up the beach and started vomiting water before I even thought off looking for you,” A tear escaped her eye, but Olivia kept smiling, urging her on.

“I couldn’t see you; you were out of sight, so I yelled your name and I was terrified when you didn’t reply. I yelled your name over and over again, my throat was burning from the salt and the strain, but then I…” Elenia trailed off. She wasn’t sure how to continue.

“And then you…?” Olivia asked with clear excitement sparkling eyes.
Elenia shook her head and tried to step away from her. “I- I can’t.”
“Lenia,” Olivia said and lifted her hands to Elenia’s shoulders. “You have to continue telling, you have to go on, say it to me.”
“But I can’t Olivia,” Elenia replied, her voice almost whiny.
“Then you saw me,” Olivia started. “I lay in the water.”

Elenia closed her eyes and tried to force the image away.
“Don’t close your eyes, sister,” Olivia smiled at her and brushed her fingers over Elenia’s cheek. “I know you can do this, the worst is over now.”

Elenia breathed in slowly. “Then I saw you. You lay in the water and I could only see the back of your pink dress. I tried to scream for help but my voice was gone. But then mama, dad and Seth came. They ran when they saw me crying on my knees. Mama knelt in front of me and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t know what to say, and my voice was gone. They noticed my dress was wet and daddy turned his head,” Elenia paused.

“He ran so fast and lifted you up from the dark water. It started raining when he carefully laid you down on the sand. He started CPR, but his hand shook so badly Seth had to take over. Mama was crying your name and I was left by myself. I was staring at your face. It looked like you were sleeping. You were so beautiful, like a real princess even though your dress was dirty and your hair messy. I smiled at you because I thought you were in fact only sleeping, but I was pulled out of my dream world when I heard sirens and paramedics came rushing to you,” She stopped and looked at her sister.

“But you didn’t wake; your face stayed the same. It looked like you were smiling. And then they took you away. Mama and Dad was crying over you and they disappeared with you in the ambulance. Seth took me in his arms. I could see tears in his eyes, but he kissed my forehead and told me he was there and everything would be okay. But you weren’t there Livvy, and it was all-“

Olivia broke her off and placed a finger on her lips to silence her. “No, don’t say it Elenia. This is where the story ends. This is where you let me go.”
Elenia grimaced in pain. “No, you can’t leave me again Livvy, I need you to stay right here with me.”
“Elenia, you’ll be strong without me. You have to move on. But I’ll always be in your heart.”
“Please don’t,” Elenia begged.
“Tell mama and dad that I love them and miss them. Tell Robbie I’m proud of the boy he turned out to be, and that I’m sorry I wasn’t around. And make sure to look after Oliver, he’ll need you in his life.”

“Olivia,” Elenia cried. “Don’t do this.”
“I love you, Elenia.”
“I love you…” Elenia trailed off as she fell backwards.

She kept falling. But through it all she felt relief. She felt lighter and happy. Elenia felt blissful. She was sure that if she were to die now, she would die in happiness.