Almost Lost It All

The phone.

The loud ringing travels from the next room and into my living room. I turn my head to look over at my fiance, sleeping on the couch, who's oblivious to any type of noise in her dreams. I don't want to get up, but it could be important, especially if it's my house phone that's going off. I glance at the clock as I carefully slip from under the blankets and away from my place next to Michelle. It's 2:17 in the morning on a Monday.

Hmm, it must be important, then.

A shiver shoots up my spine when I step from my carpeted living room to the freezing hard wood floor in the kitchen. With a few creaks from the boards I sneak to the phone. Instead of looking at the caller ID I just pick it up because the ringing is annoying. The reciever is cold against my ear and sends another shiver through my body. My voice is hushed, just in case Michelle suddenly wants to listen in her sleep, and I don't want to wake her up.

"Hello?" I almost whisper.

There's a pause, a long pause, so I lift the reciever to end the useless phone call.

Goddamn people calling me in the middle of the night. They don't even fucking talk.

"Wait! Are you still there?"

I stop. In three seconds my heart begins to beat faster and my throat feels dry. I'm not sure if I can put the phone back to my ear. Any type of cold that entered my body leaves in a rush; intense heat is starting to fill and overwhelm my veins.

It can't be.

"Hello?" The person says.

Slowly, while holding my breath, I place the reciever against my ear once again. It takes me a couple of seconds to form any words. But somehow, miraculously, I speak up.

"Hello?" I say, and ask what I'm afraid to already know, "Who is this?"

"It's..uhm, it's Jen."

Those words are like an atom bomb in my head. I lean forward against my counter with a racing, confused mind. Things are rushing from my brain and throughout my whole body. My hands start to shake, my eyes close tight, my body feels incredibly hot. I try to swallow down the huge lump that formed in my throat. I keep my voice at a level whisper; careful, and almost careless.

"...Hey. What's up? It's almost 2:30 in the morning."

I have nothing else to say. There's another pause and I think about hanging up on her. Hanging up and going back to my beautiful fiance on the couch and holding her until I finally fall asleep. I hear Jen sniff on the other line; I can tell she's either crying, or trying not to cry. My heart instantly begins to ache at the sound. I keep my voice tough.

"Jen? What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying, I just...I'm trying not to." She mutters honestly. "You sound pretty bothered at me. Are you alone?"

My eyes open as I turn to look toward the living room over my shoulder. Inwardly, where things are going haywire, I sigh. I'm reluctant to tell the truth for some reason, but I bring myself to tell her.

"No. My fiance is in the other room, sleeping, so I have to be quiet."

Somewhere, really deep down in the pit of my stomach, a wanting begins to rise. A wanting for Jen to be on my couch instead of Michelle. I shake the thought out of my head because it's not right. It's not right, it's not fair. Her voice slices into my mind once again on the other line.

"I'm sorry." She says with a broken tone. "I just wanted to hear your voice, Brian."

I hear her say my name and all of the strength I have floods out of my body with a whoosh of a breath. It feels like I'm living inside of that Hinder song. I'm being torn apart all over, but her saying my name makes me feel great; it literally sounds sweet coming from her mouth. I haven't heard her say it in so long. My voice is soft and unsure when I answer her now.

"Why? Where are you, honey?"

"At a payphone. My boyfriend is outside, near the car."

It's like a stab to my chest.

"Does he know who you're talking to?" I ask.

"No. I told him I was calling an old friend. He was already mad at me for borrowing two quarters."

She sounds so terrible. I can't tell if she's crying or not.

"Are you going to be okay? Will he--will he hurt you or anything if he finds out?"

She laughs miserably, "Nah. Just scream. How's your girl?"

It takes a few long moments until Michelle surfaces in my mind again.
Jen should be your girl.
Shut up, Brian.

"Still sleeping." I say. "No clue I'm even up."

"I miss you, Brian. I dream about you all the time, even when I don't want to."

I swallow down the sadness in a gulp. I close my eyes and lick my lips.

"Yeah. Me too." I barely whisper.

"I have to go, I have no more money." She suddenly says, and I can hear a man's voice in the background.

Fear and panic makes a huge knot in my stomach.

"Wait, Jen--Where are you? Why don't you come home--"

"Bye Brian."

"No--" I almost shout, but end up catching myself and whisper, "I don't want to say goodbye--"

The other line goes dead. I open my eyes and stare at the counter I'm leaning on. A mix of emotions is stirring up my insides pretty badly and I feel slightly sick. Without much thought I hang up the phone and turn to lean backwards against the wall. I look toward the living room.

"I never want to say goodbye." I murmur to myself.

I'm not even trying to convince myself I've moved on at this moment. I'm frozen. She always was some kind of angel.