Almost Lost It All

I'm officially in Huntington Beach, California. My home. It's the same as when I left it: Bustling and beautiful. As I walk toward the most popular beach in town I envy the free-looking rollerbladers, pity the lonely dog-walkers, and curse the happy couples. In a slight way it feels great to be back. I haven't seen true sunshine like this anywhere else in the United States.

But, as always, doubt is set hard in my chest. Sadness drowns me while I remember how everything used to be. Everywhere I look there's a memory left behind from the good old days. Reminders of my brother and my best friends spin me up in harsh mental battles with myself. By the time I reach the beach parking lot I feel really dizzy. I feel like this is a huge mistake. All I want to do is turn around to run again. Run, run, run. I don't know if I can get better here. I don't know if I'm strong enough to live in a place where my past completely encircles me at all times. I already feel like collapsing. Will I ever be able to handle it? I have no faith in myself to carry on.

"Jen!" A man's warm, familiar voice catches me off-guard.

I spin around and lose my balance a bit. Zacky rushes over to me, taking my elbow in his hand to keep me steady. I blink once, twice, three times to see him straight. When I do, I laugh out loud.

"Oh..." I manage, but can't get out the 'my God.'

For the first time in a long time a real smile takes over my mouth. Before I can get any hold on myself he pulls me into a tight hug. His scent invades my nostrils, making my eyes water with delight. He smells like a friend. I wrap my arms around him back and hold on as tightly as my weakness lets me.

"Zack," I mumble into his shoulder, "oh, buddy."

He pulls away from me then wipes the hair out of my eyes. He shakes his head while suspicion creeps into his eyes.

"Who did this to you?" He asks darkly, nodding toward my face.

I shake my head back at him as if to say forget everything. I don't give him an answer.

"I know I look like crap. But you could at least lie." I say, attempting to joke.

His eyes lighten and the bad expression lifts from his cute features.

"Jen, you look great. Bruises or not."

And that's why I love my best friend, Zacky. He could always tell a perfect lie with such easy effort.

--

You can't go back there.

I can't move from the passenger seat of Zack's car. Ahead of me, in blobs, I see people. People I once knew. The people who loved me and I threw away. How can I face them again? How can they want me to face them after what I've done? My nerves shake me from the inside out. I feel as if my hands are going to tremble this hard forever. I'm actually shaking so hard that my vision is sketchy. It leaves me in fits and darkens everything in site, as well as in my mind. On the way to Matt's we had to pull over so I could get sick near the side of the road. My organs feel like they're twisting to pieces. I'm already prepared to cry. My fear is so much that I literally cannot move from where I'm sitting. I reach for the door handle, but pull back. Reach for the handle, pull back. Touch the handle... pull back.

"I c..." I whimper and stutter, "--I can't do this. I can't..." I shake my head, "I can't do this."

Zack looks at me with frightened eyes. The tension and fear is so high that I'm radiating with it. I know he feels it. I know he's not used to seeing me this way. It's something I never wanted to show my friends; especially him. I begin shaking my head frantically. I must look insane.

But aren't you?

"Come on." He says.

He gets out of his side and then comes around to mine. He opens the door for me as I reach for the handle again. I look up at him with huge eyes. I feel green, but not with envy. With nausea. With utter sickness from fear. Zack is trying his hardest to keep it completely together. I can see it. He's silently freaking out to himself. But he tries to keep his eyes from showing it. I'm making him a nervous wreck. He holds out his hand for me to take.

I stare at it for a second. Slowly, very slowly, I slide from the car. We both expect me to just take his hand so we can start walking. Instead, my legs give out. I start to collapse when he catches me. I softly cry out in helplessness. Zacky shudders lightly.

"It's really okay, Jen." He says as he holds me up.

I lick my incredibly dry lips. I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. With as much strength I can muster up I push myself off of him. I slip my hand into his and hold on really tightly. He squeezes back to show me I'm not alone. We start up the driveway toward the backyard. I stumble from dizziness after four steps. Zack is always there to make sure I don't fall; he's my rock. My mind begins to race so much that I get a sudden migrane.

Why are you doing this? Turn, run away, go! You can get out of this. You don't have to face all of these people. You hurt them so badly, do you really expect them to take you back into their family? You're fucked, Jen. Completely fucked. They can't help you, no one can, you're a lost cause, so why are you bothering them? Run while you can, save yourself the pain and embarassment. Go! Go, GO!

Any resistance I usually have against these bad thoughts is gone. Or so I think. As we reach the gate, I'm still beating myself up, and suddenly I hear a different voice in my head. I don't know where it's from but I know it's my brother.

Shut up, Jen. Make yourself shut up. You should be here.

You shut up. Run, Jen, run away right now. You're not worth it. You're no good to them. You're forever a burden. You were born to be alone. You deserve to be alone.

I'm standing in front of all of them now. I can't look at anyone. I can feel them all staring at me. My vision bends as I squeeze my companion's hand even harder.

"Surprise..." Zack mutters in a nice voice.

My mind is at war. I want to pass out.

Surprise? More like "look who's here to ruin all of your lives!" Woo-hoo!

Shut the fuck up! Jen, listen to me. It's going to be okay. This is where you're meant to be. You're home now. They all love you.

Don't look up, they're all glaring at you.

No, they aren't. Look up.

Don't. You're a failure. A burden. Ugly, stupid. Why did you come here? What did we decide? You're supposed to be alone, remember? You're supposed to hurt.

No you're not. Stop beating on yourself.

YES YOU ARE. HE'S LYING TO YOU.

Trust me, Jen, and just look up.

You'll regret it. You're nothing!

Look up! Look up, look up, look up!

Hideous, dumb, not good enough! They hate you! Run away!

LOOK UP!

My eyes flick up in a rush because of the screaming. I try to look at them all at once but I only see one person. He looks amazing even though I can tell he hasn't been sleeping. The voices fighting in my mind dull to barely whispers. I can't read his expression. He looks stunned, happy, terrible, all at once. His beautiful dark eyes hold every emotion. I honestly can't believe he's real. My heart is beating so hard I feel like it's going to break right through my rib cage. My throat is too dry to swallow down the huge lump that's formed. I want to say something important to him, but I just can't say anything. He's so gorgeous. I want to touch him. I want to reach out and make sure he's not going to disappear like he's done so many times in my dreams. I want to tell him how much I've missed him. I want to be in his arms. I want to run my hands through his wonderful hair. My skin suddenly turns extremely cold under the realization that he's not holding me. His arms look so appealing. His chest looks like a great place to rest my head. When I look at his hands I feel like they should be in mine. I feel like his fingers should be on my face, ready to wipe away the tears that are bound to come soon.

I blink and he starts to blur. Fear rises up in me that this all really is a dream, that he's actually not there. Darkness is closing in on my site. I'm silently screaming to stay awake but I can't say anything aloud. I can't be dreaming, I can't be. As I feel myself sway, my own voice breaks clearly through the veil. Jimmy doesn't seem to be around anymore.

Oh you're not dreaming. Your dreams are too good for this. Look who's behind him.

Fighting to stay a second longer, I look up. People are rushing toward me but it's all in slow motion. I search hurriedly for what my thoughts told me to look at. Behind Brian, who's currently frozen where he stands, is a girl. She's beautiful; worried-looking, slightly shocked. I battle the blackness while my eyes narrow to a squint. She's got a hand on his back. On that hand I see a ring. It's a brilliant ring. I realize harshly that it's his fiance.

Now it's so much more real, huh? He doesn't love you like he used to. You should have left while you had the chance.

The world rushes away from me. Everything leaves me before I hit the ground.