Almost Lost It All

I'm on a park pathway alone. I can't feel anything at all. I try to figure out what's going on because everything seems so real, although I know I couldn't have gotten here. When I think back, I can't remember where I last was. It's all unclear to me. It's as if I've been standing here, on this paved path, for all of my days.

I brace myself for the familiar intense anxiety to hit me hard but nothing happens. I just stand here, with no feelings. A breeze wisps my hair and whispers over my skin but I can't feel the cold, either. My thoughts don't come rushing in at me like they usually do. They take their time as I ponder about my surroundings. Because it's winter where I am. The leaves on the big maple trees are gone and Christmas decorations are nailed onto the bark. Snow covers every surface in amazing white-blue sheets. A hint of a smile touches my lips.

Very close behind me I hear voices. I turn to see Brian and Jimmy walking side by side along the path. They're heading my way. Finally, feeling starts to rise in my chest. Happiness, finality, hope. My lips stretch into a grin. They're talking warmly; they look a bit serious. One man smiles with a laugh, so the other smiles back. Have I died and gone to heaven? I honestly hope so.

When they get close enough that I can touch Brian, I reach out. When my fingers should make contact with his shoulder, they bleed right through his leather jacket. I realize they can't see me, either. Their voices pick up in my eardrums.

"You'll be fine." Jimmy says warmly, looking up at his friend.

With a small smirk the other man nods, "I know."

"Are you nervous?" my brother asks.

Brian looks up at him, the smile growing, "Hell yeah. You have no idea."

Jimmy laughs, clapping a fingerless-gloved hand to his shoulder.

"You should be. She's not a normal girl. She's really special." He grins.

Brian shakes his head, "I know. You don't have to tell me that."

My brow furrows as I listen. What are they talking about? I realize I'm watching them walk away so I run to them and walk beside Brian again. For some reason this conversation seems so meaningful.

"Can you believe that I'm going to be married in four days? It's crazy." he exclaims softly, looking up toward the trees.

Jimmy's eyes glisten a strong crystal blue as he looks at his best friend. I realize the topic of their conversation is me. A brilliant sensation lifts my heart.

"You have to take care of her, Brian. She means too much, okay? You've been great at it so far. I trust you with my little sister and I'm officially letting you have her in only four days." He smiles slightly.

I laugh a little to myself at the same time Brian does aloud. When he looks up to Jimmy again there's meaning in those blue eyes.

"I won't be here forever, man. I mean it," my brother says seriously.

"Yeah you will. We all will. Well...if not, in any case, you better be there for my wedding." Brian jokes and winks, making his friend smile big again.

Behind all of us a voice calls out to the two men. We all turn to see Matt waving for them to come back. They look at each other as they turn around.

"I'll take care of your sister. There's no one else I'd rather be with. I love her. And you're my best friend, I could never disappoint you about this. I love you, too." Brian confesses quietly, looking almost embarassed.

Jimmy doesn't make fun of him. He seems pleased. He reaches out and wraps an arm around his best friend's shoulder, his hand flowing right through me as he does. I want so badly to be able to touch my brother. I reach out to do so, but after a quick manly squeeze, he lets go.

"I love you too. But shut up, I'm gonna cry," he teases, "We have to get to the studio. I've got a great new song for the album. I can't wait to show you guys."

"Awesome, man. What's it called?" Brian asks excitedly.

Jimmy looks up at him mischeviously and knowingly.

"Fiction. But I like to refer to it as my masterpiece."

Brian's chuckle fades as I slowly halt to a stop. My legs literally don't let me go on. I don't think I can, anyway. The setting around me begins to seem very familiar now. I look up at the two most important men I have ever had in my life. They have their backs to me as they walk away. Anything I wasn't feeling before breaks through the barrier and floods my body, rising dangerously to drown me. I realize everything all at once. This isn't real. My brother is gone. Brian isn't mine. In this fantasy, or dream, wherever I am, things are devastating now.

Vivid memories crush me down. That day I told Matt to fetch the boys who were walking along the path because we had to catch our flight in less than an hour. I really had to work on last minute wedding plans, and the guys had to get back to the studio. I watched my two favourite people walk back to me while I stood at the car, holding Pinkly because of how cold it was in Illinois.

Three days before he died, Jimmy came into the studio with a brilliant song. He called it his masterpiece proudly. I was there while they listened to it along with everyone else. He said it was the last song he wrote for the record which sounded strange to me. It really was amazing. But, as I listened, I couldn't help feeling dreadful. I pushed it aside because I was happy for him. He was incredibly happy himself.

He was excited about my getting married. He told me how excited he was over and over; even shouting at people that his sister was getting married in four days.

But three days later he died. One day before my wedding.

The winter of 2009 around me disappears. I'm in complete darkness. Everything wells up in my body, beating against my skin to get out. I wrap my arms around my mid-section as if I have to hold myself together. As I fall to my knees pain shoots from my heart to torture the rest of me. I drown in myself, in my feelings, as I'm screaming. Screaming to be found. Screaming to be heard and healed. I don't want this to end. I don't want this to happen to me. I'm going crazy. I just want to be free from all of this agony. While I scream I can't hear a thing. I tear at my clothes, searching for bare skin to harm and escape out of. I cry so hard that I feel like my throat is going to close because it hurts so much. I want to explode away from here. I feel so insane. Nothing stops. No one comes to save me. I feel the ground opening up to swallow me into a darkness that's infinite.

--

I wake with a violent start. Everything hurts as I spring up into a sitting position. I feel like I'm being strangled. Tears sting my eyes as I grip at my neck. I open my mouth to yell but I can't. Instead a weak squeaking sound stirs up from the back of my throat. I look around at total darkness. Fear and misery beats into my chest; jack hammers right into my heart. I erupt with a terrible sob, releasing all of my breath. Air chugs back into my lungs with a huge shaky inhale. The fight to cry was strangling me all along and now it's spreading throughout me. I'm shaking so hard that my whole body hurts. I pull my legs to my chest, hugging them tightly against me because I know that if I don't then I'll fall completely apart. My mind is so heavy in my head that I'm afraid I'm going to be crushed by the weight of it. I'm trapped.

A dull light fills the room. A figure comes toward me. Before I can escape, arms enclose around me. I break down. I sink into the arms like a small child afraid of the darkness. And I am so afraid of the darkness. I sob into a shoulder as I'm rocked to desperate comfort. No matter how much I shake, how hard I cry, this person holds me. They're strong since I can't be. They whisper to me and tell me it's okay. They try to rid the devils from my head and the bad from my soul.

In my misery, my disarray, I look up only once. I'm shocked to see my hero. I suddenly realize that the arms holding me aren't big, or muscular. Nor manly or tough. These arms are actually rather thin. They're soft and girlish, but so much stronger than a man's. So much more welcoming.

Leana.