Almost Lost It All

The rum burns as it tackles my throat. A shiver shoots through me and I shake myself out. Leana watches me with calm but worried eyes. I know what she's thinking because I'm thinking the same thing. Drinking killed her husband. It killed my brother.

"I don't usually pass out shots so early in the morning," she jokes quietly, "but you need to get out of this daze."

I look at her. The rum instantly buzzes throughout my body so I become a bit more alert. She's right, I'm in a complete daze. My eyes are misty from crying so much and my lungs ache from the laboured breathing. My whole body hurts; it feels as if someone was shaking me all night. It feels as if Ethan had just beaten me up. My bones almost feel like they're asleep. I put the shot glass down on the glass coffee table and push it away. With my eyes still on Leana I try out a smile. It feels so fake on my lips.

She shakes her head, "You don't have to smile for me," she says.

My throat hurts when I talk, "I want to try," I murmur, surprised at my own weak and raspy voice.

She smiles a lot more easily than me even though there's sadness behind her pretty expression. She's beautiful. Absolutely the best girl I could ever know. She's fun, loud, cute, and smart. Not to mention strong. When Jimmy died it killed her just as much as it killed me but she was able to move on. Able to move on and save me from myself. I love her like my true sister. No one could ever suit my brother as much as she does. He loved her more than anything. It makes me incredibly sad to think of her being alone and lost without him.

Lost without him.

I start feeling cold. The presence of loneliness seeps into my organs slowly and surely. I can feel my body aching for Brian's arms. As the fog of earlier begins to clear more rapidly it makes way for every familiar bad emotion. I think back to how he looked the first time I saw him. He was looking at me with so much in his eyes that I can't pinpoint if it was good or bad. I feel embarassed at being so weak. Now everyone knows. Everyone knows that I'm a weak, stupid, dramatic loser. Anxiety squeezes my heart the point of pain. I'm certainly not good enough for all of them. Did they see it? Will they not try to love me anymore?

"Why did you come back?" Leana's voice breaks through my stupor.

My eyes rise to meet hers but I can't let them rest there. I search for something to focus on.

"Uhm..." is what I say because I don't know how to answer, "I..."

She doesn't push me. I take my time racking my brain for the real, honest reason. I don't want to lie to her. I swallow and lick my lips. With a deep breath I try to start again.

"Because I heard Brian's voice," I say, "and my boyfriend hit me. I don't know how it happened but I just started running toward home. I think..." I stop, trying to regain even more courage.

I can feel new tears wanting to spill so I look down at my hands.

"I think I realized how much I've missed you guys. I realized that I... I can't be so strong on my own anymore. I want to be with my family again."

I swallow, biting my lips. My site is blurry as my eyes move from one object in the room to the next.

"So many times I almost turned back. So many times I didn't want to come back because I know that I'm not good enough for this place. For all of you. And one time..."

My bottom lip trembles dangerously. I want so much to keep the tears in.

"One time I was in this bathroom. In Nevada. It had a cracked mirror. I didn't want to, but I looked at myself."

I look up at Leana, pity sweeping me up.

"Do you know what I saw?" I ask her, and she shakes her head. Once again my eyes dart away. I pause.

"I saw someone beaten and bruised. Hopeless and scared. Ugly and weak. I saw someone who had given up completely. It scared me half to death. Because I know...I know that's not how I was when I lived here. I know that's not what Jimmy left. But I was there looking like that and I wanted..."

A tear streams from an eye but I continue, "I wanted to stay there. Just--stay there and die there and be the person I really am. Hopeless, scared, weak. I wanted to lock myself up so I couldn't ruin everyone else with me. But...but for some reason, I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. That afternoon riding in the car I honestly thought about turning back and not coming home. Instead I had a dream."

The memory floods into my mind, crippling me for a couple of moments. I sniff and swallow.

"It was uhm..." I laugh a little pathetically, "it was when Jimmy first showed me how to play piano. I watched him play and he was amazing. I knew the whole song as soon as I saw it but I lied so he'd play it again," I shake my head, "In the end we didn't get up because you called us from the room like in real life. Instead he turned toward me and told me to go home. He..he told me that you all loved me. That I'm strong. Then he got up, kissed my head, and started walking toward this--this light. I wanted so badly to get up and follow him but I was stuck to the seat. He wouldn't let me follow him. He just turned to me and told me that I'm beautiful. He told me to turn around so I did. The mirror from the bathroom was in front of me and I saw the same person I saw before. I wasn't seventeen like I was supposed to be. Before he left he said that he loved me. He asked me not to hurt so much. When I looked back he was gone. So I guess...that's why I'm here. Because if my brother believes that I can move on, I have to believe it too. But it hurts so much, Lee. It hurts so much. I don't feel strong, or beautiful. I feel worthless. And I know it won't stop."

A huge breath whooshes out of my mouth, shaky and rough. My hands are shaking again; I'm extremely cold. I realize how much I've confessed to her. Part of me feels relieved but a bigger part is panicking. Why? Why did I say all of that? It's nonsense. She doesn't need it.

When I look up after she doesn't start talking it's not Leana sitting next to me. My nerves kick in and strangle me slightly. Brian is standing to my side, looking down at me. I must have been looking somewhere else the entire time. He must have come in in the middle of my explanation. In sheer panic I look back to see Leana standing in the doorway. She shakes her head slightly as if she can't help me, then disappears. Shock pierces me hard in the chest. How can she leave me here?

Slowly, I look up at the man I still love.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper, that being the only thing I can think of to say, "I'm so sorry."

Before I can say anything else he grabs my hand and pulls me up. Without hesitating he wraps his strong arms around my small frame and crushes me to him. I have no idea what to do at first. Then his smell stings my nostrils. His hands spread across my body with a touch I can't fathom. His body against mine spreads warmth throughout me. I slip my arms around him to hold on with as much strength as I can. I bury my face into his shoulder and try so hard not to keep crying. The pain edges to a dull humming in my heart, the anxiety evaporates with our identical breathing, the fear falls from my skin.

What I feel is something I never thought I'd ever feel again. Whole.

It's a sweet release.