Almost Lost It All

All of what I heard her say is killing me. I didn't have any idea that she feels so lost and helpless. I want her to feel better. I want her to feel stunning, strong, and so worth it because that's what she really is. She's so much better than she makes herself out to be. I want her to know that we love her. We want to help. She should be home. I wish I could tell her that Jimmy was right and he'll always be right because he's watching us forever. It hurts but I'm here. So is he.

She should know how she makes me feel. With her in my arms everything makes sense. I feel complete. I'm not so confused or hurt. We just fit together so perfectly. My heart is beating along with hers; my breathing is matching her soft rythym. There's peace with her. I feel like if I stay here forever I will always be content with my life. I will never get old of this. When she's in my arms I feel like there's a happiness somewhere inside of me that wants to escape over both of us. It's lightly scratching at my organs and the only thing that's holding it back is the barrier that still resides between us. I want so badly to break that barrier. But everything else is beating down the chance to let loose.

Her warm breath is making the skin on my neck tingle. Her scent is like a California beach before a rain storm with something else that's purely in her own skin. Her body is fragile in my arms but I know she's holding onto me with the strength she still has. It makes me realize how strong she really is. Because no matter how lost and hopeless she feels, she always holds on. If you put something in her path she will hold on with as much strength as she can muster. And she's been through so much.

I gently slip a hand to the back of her neck. My lips just touch her ear as I speak barely above a whisper.

"Don't say you're sorry." I tell her.

I lean back only slightly to look at her face. Her eyes are a deep misty aqua colour from crying and every little imperfection on her face is beautiful. I slide my hand over her neck so I can trace her jawbone. My fingers rest on her cheek, the length of them just stopping at the corner of her lips. When I look into her eyes a sickening joy passes through me. My heart beats a little faster.

"You--"

The loud laughing makes me drop my hands and step away from Jen in such a fast motion that I almost feel dizzy when I stand still again. Fear spikes inside of me so hard that I'm frozen when I turn my head to see Val coming into the room, laughing with her sister. Michelle.

Michelle.
--MICHELLE.

They didn't see anything that happened but they both stop upon seeing us. Their identical curious looks make me feel more suspicious than I should be. I haven't done anything at all. Michelle's eyes stay on my big ones while Val's travel to the woman I was just holding. In one swift move I go over to my fiance. I let my hand rest on the small of her back. It feels so weird to me.

"Hey darling," Val says worriedly to Jen, "you don't look so good."

She shoots me an almost threatening look and moves toward her. My lips move to form words but nothing comes out. Why am I so affected by this? I avoid Michelle's eyes on my face.

Get it together!

Slowly, as if I'm working my muscles again, I turn my body toward the two girls near the couch.

It looks like Jen was hit by a bolt of lighting. She looks like she wants to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. Immediately guilt rushes through me. The strong urge to hold her again courses through my veins. Instead, hoping to kill the rush, I pull Michelle into my arms. With everything I have I try to keep the level look on my face. Jen gazes up at me but then looks away at once. Complete pain passes over her expression before the burning sets in her eyes. When she looks up at me again her eyes are a dark navy grey-blue and they are on fire. The look of anger and betrayal she gives me makes my senses strike alive.

NO. No, I'm so sorry! You don't understand! I don't want to hurt you! I promise! Please!

She looks at Val while tears well up.

"I'm fine." she says in a low, stone-like voice.

Without another word she sweeps from the room and we hear the front door slam.

I want to follow her. I want to follow her and explain how hard this is. She left me, so I should move on. I can't always go back to her. Why doesn't she understand that? I never should have gotten involved earlier, but she was in so much pain. I want to help her but I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my feelings. Whenever she's around it's like I can't focus on anything besides the fact that she isn't mine. And when she is, like she just was a few minutes before, old feelings seep back into me, along with such a fierce new wanting. I can't risk it because I don't want to hurt her more. Plus I have a new life now.

But you have hurt her. And the old is back.

As I tear my eyes from the doorway she left through I'm met by the stares of twins. Both of the girls are looking at me accusingly. Instantly, I let go of Michelle and back off. Before they can say anything I'm out of the room, heading upstairs to see Matt.