Almost Lost It All

Oh-hoho. What did I tell you? How did I know, eh? He's so done with you. Why do you keep trying? Hahaha, you loser.

I being walking toward the edge of the front lawn. I fiercely wipe tears off of my face, hurting the old bruises on my left side. The sharp pain travels through my cheek to attack my temple. A pounding headache rises up behind my forehead. I try to keep my fingers from twitching by curling them into tight fists. Anger hits harshly against my ribcage, wanting to escape from inside of me. How did I succumb to him so easily? How did I let myself think that he wanted to hold me? Why did he do that to me?

I feel utterly stupid. I feel alone, betrayed, depressed over something so small. But it wasn't small to me. I was in his arms again! I felt so safe and complete. I almost felt happy. And then he let go of me as if I was on fire. He let go, stepped back, because his fiance would have seen him. He was so scared of getting caught. I'm no more important to him than a cheat-ee of some kind. So why did he lead me to believe that he cares so much? The pain trashes at my anger so rage begins to rise from the pit of my stomach.

I want him so badly. I want to be in his arms again. There's nothing more important than him. His smile, his eyes, his lips, the strength he holds. But he clearly doesn't want me.

"Jen!"

My body spins so fast that I almost fall. Val and Michelle are walking toward me. Val looks worried, but Michelle looks clever. For once they don't look so identical. As they get closer my anger turns to fear. I watch the sisters wearily; Michelle more than the other twin. Val smiles sympathetically at me, only three feet away now.

"I'm going out with Michelle right now, but when I get back we should catch up. Dinner or pedicures or something. Just stupid girl stuff. I've missed you" She says.

I open my mouth to talk but Michelle cuts me off, looking at her sister with a knowing glance.

"Hey, Val, why doesn't she come with us? Then I could actually meet her and stuff." She offers innocently.

Val looks at her almost warningly, "I don't know if that's a good idea." She murmurs.

"Oh come on, it'll be great," Michelle replies and looks at me, "how about it?"

Everything in me tells me to shake my head no. Say no thank you and go find Zacky. Refuse to go anywhere with this woman; especially when she has that too-friendly look on her face. But I can't show them that I'm a nervous wreck. I want to be good for Val. I want to show them I can be girly and fun again. I'm strong. My lips turn up into a fake smile. I'm so dead inside.

"Sure, that sounds fun." I say with as much normalcy that I can manage.

The two girls lead me to Val's new, fancy car and I try control the nervous feeling in my chest. I swallow as I settle into the back seat. The seat is comfortable against my aching body so I sit back to try to relax. As one sister backs out the other one begins chatting.

I watch the road wind as I stare out the window. I'm completely oblivious to any talking. Something inside of me is beating the anger down and pushing the fear away. Maybe I'll enjoy this. Maybe I can learn to like this place again. My mind surfaces to the present.

"Hey, where are we going, anyway?" I ask casually.

Michelle turns in the passenger seat to look at me with bright eyes and a big smile.

"We're going to my second dress fitting. Then checking on the Ballroom, and then shopping around for anything white and black." She says.

The confusion must show on my face.

She laughs lightly, "You know, wedding stuff. For me." She says confidently.

My stomach drops. I'm going to be sick.

--

The small bridal shop isn't very busy. I instantly realize sickeningly that this is the same place I bought my dress. The dress that may be still hanging in the closet of the attic in my old house. I reluctantly follow the twins toward the back where the the manager is helping a customer wrap up her dress. I feel like I'm going to pass out again. My head is pounding so hard that every pulse in my body is burning to explode from underneath my skin. I'm trying really hard to stop the shaking of my knees. Inside everything is falling apart. The pain is cutting at me like invisible thorns stuck to my organs. He should be mine. I should be bringing them here. Not the other way around.

When we reach the back the manager turns toward us with a big smile for Michelle.

"Hello, Beautiful," she says loudly. She turns to Val, "and beauitful." She repeats.

Then her eyes rest on me. Fear spikes inside of my heart. For a moment she looks confused, for a moment she remembers. But only for a moment. She looks me up and down with cool eyes.

"Hello." She murmurs in no kind manner.

I want to run. There's nothing in the world that I want more than to run out of here and leave all over again. Jimmy would understand, wouldn't he? This agony is too much to handle. It has to stop. I should leave.

Val takes my arm as Michelle is lead into a dressing room. She looks at me with pleading eyes but says nothing. I nod to her not to worry. I try as hard as I can to keep an okay expression on my face. I really feel like I'm collapsing. Everything I came home for is lost now. Things are going way too wrong and it's my first day here. Anxiety crushes my chances to find anything positive upon my return. Familiar, crippling pain rushes through my veins and causes me to practically fall down into a nearby chair. I'm not good enough to be here. I'm not good enough for anyone. Especially Brian.

When Michelle steps out, my heart stops. She's so beautiful.

"Sis, it still looks great." Val says as she tries to keep up the enthusiasm in her voice.

"What do you think, Jen?" The bride-to-be asks me. She turns on my with a real, excited smile.

The tears form rapidly behind my eyes but somehow I hold them back. I can't let her see.

"You look..." I swallow, "you look gorgeous, Michelle." I say as she smiles.

...

The manager of the shop slowly zips up my zipper on the back of my dress. When she's finished I turn around toward her with a nervous look. She smiles brightly at me. She wipes the bangs from my face.

"It's fabulous, darling." She says warmly before stepping out of the dressing room.

I let out a relieved sigh but the nervousness doesn't leave just yet. While looking in the mirror I deliberately take up time finding something to fix. I avoid looking at my face, though, because I'm too scared of my reflection.

"C'mon! COME ON!" I hear my brother scream outside of the big room I'm hiding in.

I laugh to myself. My teeth bite down into my bottom lip as I turn away from the mirror. Cautiously I push the shuttered door open a bit. I peek out at the people waiting for me to come out. There's so many. Well, here it goes. In one big motion I push open the door fully and walk to stand in front of them. None of them speak. A blush flushes over my cheeks. My heart picks up beating.

"I look bad, right?" I ask stupidly.

Jimmy laughs out loud. I hurl the fake example boquet at him. That just makes him laugh harder. I watch in horror as he slumps over into the lap of Zacky V, who's sitting in the next seat. Val smacks my brother on the arm, smiling. She stands up and comes over to me.

"You look great." She reassures me.

With gentle hands she begins fixing my hair. Immediately Leana and Gena and Lacey join her, each telling me how gorgeous I look in my wedding dress. I know there's a smile on my lips at their praises but I can't exactly hear anything they're saying. My eyes are on my brother. Anger rises in the pit of my stomach. Why does he have to be like that?

I step out of from the circle of girls to stand defiantly in front of Jimmy.

"What?!" I ask with so much fire in my voice that he stops laughing.

With a big smile he looks up at me. His crystal blue eyes are clear and amused.

"You look really beautiful, little sister," he says honestly, "and it makes me laugh that you can even ask something like that. Gates is going to die when he sees you. That is, if I don't kill him first..." his eyes narrow, one twitching slightly for emphasis.

Matt and Zack both laugh. My bad mood melts in an instant. A real smile spreads across my lips. He's so stupid. I love him. He stands up and puts two hands on my shoulders. I have to look up at him because he's so tall compared to my 5'6" and a quarter frame. His smile is genuinely Jimmy as he pulls me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms completely around his skinny body.

"I'm happy," he murmurs into my hair, "I'm already tearing up!" he shouts obnoxiously for everyone to hear.

I know he meant to keep the first statement only for me. I laugh at him with everyone else while I push him off of me. When he catches my eyes I know we have something no one else does in the world. It keeps me going every day. This connection is the reason I can love myself. There's trust, happiness, and fun along with it. I feel like I can never lose something so special.

Brother and sister forever.

...

The present comes swirling back to me. Michelle is gone with a seamstress. I'm standing with Val at a dress rack. I have no idea how I got here but the misery is burning so fiercely and deeply that I wrap my arms around my mid-section so I don't fall apart. I look over at the other girl I know so well from my past.

"I think you need to take me to Zack's," I say very shakily, "please." And the last word breaks.

She looks at me with a surprised expression. At once she nods and takes my hand, pulling me toward the exit.