Almost Lost It All

It's raining. For once in Huntington Beach the sky is grey and the rain is falling freely. It's beautiful. It sounds like one constantly flowing wave all around me. It smells like salt, fresh leaves, and pavement. It looks magnificent. Trees sway, streets steam, clouds grow darker.

I love the rain. If anything can ever calm me it's this. And the drops that are falling onto my face are pure tonight. They're sobering with cold when they hit my eyelids. They feel like small kisses among my lips. When I stretch my hands out to feel the water the tips of my fingers hop and tingle with a brilliant, creative sensation. These drops are washing away everything from my body.

As I tilt my head back I can feel the headache oozing from under my skull, down my neck, over my arms and chest and legs until finally it sits like a puddle at my feet, only to be swept away with the rain's current. Along with it go my sorrows. In my sorrows rest my fear, my hate, and my pain. I feel all of it slipping off of my skin; the bad feelings wash over my beaten face and old tattoos. They slide off my body in slow deliberance so when I can breathe deeply again it feels wonderful. When I open my eyes I love the storm-ridden sky. When I lick my lips the salt dissovles into confidence on my tongue. And I can smile. This rain lets me be myself when nothing ever does. No matter how vulnerable or stupid or worthless I am the rain keeps falling to tear off the terrible moods.

The rain is something that makes me feel beautiful because so many people hate it, judge it, and curse it. But it's something that will always be loved by the unique ones. It's still amazing. It's spontanious, fruitful, fresh, and so real. Whatever state I was in after I ran away, it would rain. It was always the one thing I wanted to follow me.

My clothes are soaked along with my hair. I'm standing alone on Zack's back deck because I heard the storm and snuck out. My heart is beating in a soft rythym. As I look up toward the sky I wish I could rise up to the clouds. I wish I could be above this earth. I wish mostly, though, that time would stop. It would be perfect if time would stop right now so I could stand in this rain forever and be peaceful. I would never have to worry about anything or miss anyone. All I need is the rain right here, falling down onto my face and washing away my demons. No pain, no being afraid, no regret or punishment. Just rain drops.

I feel the rush of a memory coming on but I don't stop it. I let the tears build behind my eyes and succumb to the tidal wave of my past.

...

It's so beautiful outside. It's pouring. There's nothing I love more than the rain. I feel as if it's my safe haven. Something that will always be there to wash everything bad from my life. Not that I have any bad. My life is the best thing anyone could ever live. I really don't deserve it. And it's at this moment, standing in the rain, that I realize how much I love my life. It's been so tough, only to amount to something great. I have my family and friends all around me so I don't have to feel afraid or depressed. I have my career ahead of me, as well as my marriage. Everywhere I turn there's something beautiful waiting for me. I don't think there's anymore room for tragedy in my future. I'm happy.

My head turns as the wind blows, making the big maple trees sway dangerously; they creak and moan. The setting sun is trying hard to blaze through the gloomy clouds but it can't. A grey light is the ending to this day in Connecticut. I feel like I'm invincible.

"Hey, Beautiful!" Someone shouts to me.

I turn my head to see Brian standing with an umbrella, sheilding himself from the drops. I realize now that I've been standing in this storm the whole time we were finding directions to Boston. I must have gotten caught up. He motions for me to go over to him with a concerned look taking over his features. A small smile touches my lips; he's adorable. Slowly, I walk over to my fiance. Once in front of him, I stop.

"Yes?" I ask lightly, feeling confident because rain has always made me feel pretty.

He looks at me, "I came to see if you're okay, Angel Face." He replies.

I can feel my eyes glow with an adoring flame toward him. I can also feel the water that seeped into my clothes and onto my skin. Every part of me is dripping. I'm not cold, though. I love it.

"I'm okay." I murmur, my eyes dancing over his beautiful features.

His brown eyes meet my flittering ones and he smiles. It knocks me out. How did I find a man so perfect? How did someone like me find someone like him? I've always been the sarcastic indepentdent girl that looks for love but always seems to go wrong. I've always been the one with wit and talent that knows a thing or two about the world. I've always been the heartbroken. So how did I find this wonderful man who loves me so much?

"You look good." He says teasingly, but his eyes are shining so I know he means it.

I shake my head slightly, not wanting to speak. Instead I take the umbrella out of his hand. In one swift I close it and toss it toward the tour bus. Brian flinches at the cold, holding up his arms to fend off the rain. I laugh. The look he gives me is full of pure love. It makes me feel amazing.

I take his hand and lead him through the parking lot toward the stage which the band just played on a couple of hours before. It was an outdoor gig and they happened to finish just before the storm hit. He catches up to me as he lifts my hand to kiss my fingers. My heart flutters inside of my chest. I slip my hand from his to walk backwards in front of him.

"So Mr. Gates," I ask, "how are you?"

"Fabulous." He says with a smirk.

I laugh slightly.

"What's on your mind, baby?" He asks.

I put a finger to my lips and think.

"Life." I say. "How good it is for me right now. How no matter what I'll have all of my friends and my family. That I don't deserve something so great. I'm so happy. I'm happy the ones I love are happy. I'm getting married to a wonderful guy who's best friends with my wonderful brother. I'm thinking about how we'll always be together. All of us. Because this will never end. This will last forever." I finish with a small smile.

As we reach the back of the stage I turn to escape under the overhang, hidden from the parking lot and the bus sitting in the distance. Brian stops in front of me. He is soaking wet. His hair is ruffled, his eyes are dark, his muscles are glistening. I love it. I reach out slightly and touch his face. With light fingers I brush against his cheek until I get to his lips. He smiles, reaching up to take my hand in his. He squeezes my fingers.

"Well..." he murmurs softly, "I was thinking about how grateful I am to have such good friends and an amazing family. That no matter what happens we'll always be there for each other. I'm so lucky to have all of these great people in my life. And..." he pauses for a moment, then continues, "I'm thinking about my beautiful fiance. How that no matter what I know she'll always be beautiful. No matter what she'll always be my girl. I'm happy she's happy. If anything stays together it will be me and her. Because I know that we'll be here for a long, long time."

I smile slowly while joy overwhelms me.

"Oh," I say gently, "and who is this so-called fiance of yours?"

Brian grins.

"You may know her," he answers, "she's really great."

My smile grows, too.

"Really great, yeah? Sounds like you're in love." I say.

He leans forward, close to my face.

"I'm very in love," he says.

My voice is just above a whisper, "Then maybe you shouldn't be near me."

His low laugh makes my stomach turn.

"I don't think she'll mind."

Then he kisses me. It's one of the best kisses I've ever had. I love him so much there's nothing to describe it. The feeling inside of me is pure happiness when I'm with him. I'm at peace, but so excited with him. I'm looking toward my future. Nothing can go wrong with him here. Even if it does, I know that nothing will tear us apart. And that's enough for me.

...

But it wasn't enough. And now I will never get it back. Unless I wait.